Page 31 of Salvaged Heart
“Beck, Beck. You don’t need to. I’m good.”
“You didn’t…”
“I most certainly did.” He smiled, pressing his forehead to mine.
For several minutes, we just stood, him still caged against the wall, the two of us gasping at the same air with eyes closed while we returned to earth.
“Anders…” I didn’t know the end of the sentence, but I desperately wanted him to understand what this had meant to me. All the confusing feelings that were overwhelming me, all the insane thoughts buzzing around my brain. But I didn’t know how to put those thoughts and feelings together. I didn’t know how to communicate that the craziest thought of all was that this didn’t scare me. Being with him didn’t scare me at all. It felt utterly and irrevocably right.
But it took too long for me to find the words I needed, and a look of horror spread over Anders’ face as he came back into himself. He yanked his hand back, it still covered in my release, and looked desperately around for something to wipe it on.
“Here,” I grabbed the first thing I saw, a filthy bar rag that lay on top of a nearby crate. He made quick work of cleaning himself off and adjusting as I tucked myself back in and gave him some space. I could feel the panic rising in him like an uncontrollable wave. At any moment, it would surely pull him under. I needed to say something. I had to break this silence and let him know it was alright. We could talk about it. I wanted him, but if he didn’t want me, that would be fine. I’d move past it. Never bring it up again. This didn’t change me being there for him. My help and support were not conditional. But I was left gaping like a fish, each thought evaporating before it could reach the surface.
“I’m sorry,” he croaked, shame shadowing every perfect line of his face. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know…”
I shook my head, trying to tell him there was nothing to be sorry for, but before I could, Anders turned on his heels and ran.
16
BECKHAM
Panic swept through me, and by the time I forced my legs into motion, Anders had disappeared into the crowd. I weaved through the dancing bodies, desperately trying to get my eyes on him, trying to find some clue of the way he’d headed, but it was like he’d evaporated into thin air.
What had I done? What in the world was I thinking?
I had been so overcome with this primal urge to protect him and this fierce, unexplainable jealousy that I’d turned around and done the exact thing I had been trying to protect him from in the first place. Anders had been walking a delicate line as it was, and the dark pit of dread forming in my stomach told me I just pushed him over the edge of it. I had to find him before he made a mistake. I needed to find him before he undid the weeks of hard work to get sober.
I asked the bartender, checked the bathrooms, and practically screamed at the people closer to the stage, but as my gaze whipped around the dance floor, it was clear that wherever Anders disappeared to, it wasn’t here.
I scrambled for my phone, not sure who I planned on calling, having almost no contacts in the area. My thumb clicked Kara’sname out of habit, and I pressed the phone to my ear. I hated asking for help, but how many times had she told me I could contact her for anything? I had to trust she meant it.
She answered on the second ring, “Is everything okay?”
What a loaded question.
Five minutes ago, everything had felt so incredibly right, but now the world was crashing down around me, and fear like I'd never felt before gripped my chest. “No,” was all I could manage. My feet were moving quickly to the exit, and I burst into the parking lot, eyes tracking automatically over to where Anders had parked his bike, but it was gone. I had expected it, but the sight still jarred me to my core.
“Did he slip up?”
“Not yet, but he ran off upset. I have no idea where he went. His bike’s gone.”
“Text me the address where you are, and I’ll be right there.”
The jingle of keys in the background as she hung up the phone was reassuring, but every minute that passed waiting for her to arrive felt like an eternity. When the headlights of her blue Jetta finally appeared in the turn-in, I took off running towards her and dove into the passenger seat. Words fell from my mouth like a confession, everything that happened before and in the alley, followed by the look of complete agony that had overcome Anders’ face when he ran from me. To her credit, she didn’t bat an eye or even bother with the lecture of how foolish I'd been. She just put the car in drive and pulled off, taking the turn back towards town.
I let out a frustrated groan, gripping my hair in fists, almost pulling it from the root. A reassuring hand rubbed at my shoulder.
“Would he have gone back to his Aunt’s place?”
I had no idea. But I also didn’t have an alternative to suggest. The few possessions Anders owned were there, and while Iknew he shared very little attachment to material things, he also couldn’t take off with nothing. Could he?
“Possibly. We should at least start there. It would make the most sense.” A new wave of terror wracked through me. “Kara, I didn’t throw out the drugs. They’re upstairs, hidden under the floorboards in my room.”
She flashed me a look confirming I was a complete fool, and her subtle increase in speed was not lost on me. All I could do was throw up a silent prayer that we got there before he could tear the house apart. A fragile plea that he hadn’t known where I hid everything to begin with.
Less than twenty minutes later,we turned onto Arbor Ct, and I didn’t even have to enter the house to know Anders wasn’t here. Kara’s sigh confirmed she felt it, too. We'd chosen wrong, and by now, Anders could be anywhere.
“Let me text some of the others from AA. Maybe he found a way to contact someone.”
