Page 49 of Vicious
I zeroed in on her red-rimmed eyes and the set of her jaw for an indication of what she thought. But other than the tears drying on her face, the only thing that showed emotion in her usually stoic persona was her firm grip on myhand.
“What do you think I should do?” Iasked.
She shook her head. “That's not my decision to make,Abs.”
“But...” Panic gripped my chest. “What if we make the wrong one? What if it grows up to be just likeme?”
Ellison's eyes filled with fresh tears. "That's what you're worriedabout?"
“I'm worried abouteverything," I said, my voicecracking.
She leaned over and pressed her lips to my forehead, her tears slipping and mingling with mine. "I can think of much worse things than if your baby grows up to be likeyou."
A baby grew inside me while numerous threats wanted to end me, including those who’d been hired tolooklike me. Poh would soon turn me in to the police, and if we failed to blackmail the Ringers to let us through the rings, the rest of humanity would be wiped from the universe. Not to mention that I was a fugitive ghost magnet with an ironaddiction.
Maybe Ellison could think of worse things than the baby being like me. But I couldn’t. Notnow.
“When were you going to tell me about this?” Ellisonasked.
At first I had no idea what she was talking about since she’d only just told me I was pregnant, but then I saw where her gaze pointed. My hand she held tight to was now empty of the old rags I’d wrapped around my wrist. The tiny gray scales that I’d tried to hide from existence had inched up my arm halfway to my elbow and down almost to my knuckles. I flopped my head back down on my pillow, too weak, too shocked, too everything, except to pray to Feozva for a fucking break every once in a while. Was that too much toask?
“I don’t know,” I said, the words thick in my mouth. “I really don’t, but just cover it up, willyou?”
I half expected her to poke and prod at that topic with more questions, but she simply did as I asked with a worried pucker between hereyebrows.
“No one else saw it,” she said, binding a fresh bandage to me. “I tucked your arm under the blanket every time Mase came in to check on you. You…you might want to tell him about that, too. I wish you had toldme.”
More tears rivered down my cheeks into my ears as I shook my head. “I was too afraid. I am so afraid, Ellison, more than I’ve ever been in my entirelife.”
She stopped her bandaging and gripped my arm tight with her head bowed. “We’ll figure it out. Together. Please don’t bescared.”
“But…I invited the ghost on Orin into me, and it couldn’t come in. What if…what if all the ghosts I thought I’d passed through to the other side…didn’t pass through? What if they’re still inside me, and there’s no more room. What…” I gazed at Ellison until she looked up at me. “Whatif?”
She frowned. “That doesn’t explain thescales.”
“I invited hundreds of Saelis females into me, and if they’re still inside me, maybe they’re…pushing outward or…evolving into something other than a ghost. Inside me. With thebaby.”
“Listen to me, Absidy. If anything medically wrong happens to you or your baby, I will know about it.” She heaved a wet, hysterical laugh. “That’s something I can actually help with. Maybe the ghosts didn’t pass through to the other side. Maybe they did. Either way, you were put here for something bigger than anyone ever imagined.You, Absidy. I will never forgive myself for dragging you out to deep space to find me when all I wanted you to do was besafe, but now I’m beginning to think this is part of your journey. I don’t envy you for one second, but I will help you, I will do anything you ask, justplease…”
“Keep Absidyalive.”
“Yes,” she whispered. “Whatever you have to do. Even if it means putting others atrisk.”
“Is my purpose stopping the Saelis from finishing the BlackWar?”
She took a breath and continued wrapping up my arm. “That’s probably a large part of it. You were able to figure out the truth about this ship and the real history about the Black War because of yourability.”
“If that’s the case, then who made me what I am? Who cares about humans so badly that they don’t want to see them destroyed for good, even though… Well, let’s be honest, humans don’t have the greatest track record atnotfucking everythingup.”
“We’re not all bad. Look at Pop. Look at you.” She smiled down at the blanket. “AndJosh.”
“So maybe there’s like ten people who aren’t assholes, is what you’resaying.”
A smile flitted across her mouth. “I guess so,yes.”
“You’re a doctor, so I know you’ve thought about this,” I said. “What happens when we die? Who put us here in the firstplace?”
“I used to not believe in anything, but… I have to believe something did put us here, but maybe it’s something that doesn’t have a name, something we haven’t even considered. Everything exists for a reason, but I don’t think we’re meant to understand everything. Humans, Saelis, the universe—it’s all so complex that it can’t be just blinked into existence and then forgotten about. As for what happens when we die… I think you know more than I do since you can see ghosts, and I only see what they do to you.” She shrugged then heaved a sigh. “That’s about the best I can do on an empty stomach,Abs.”
