Page 80 of Not Another Yesterday
“And what about that you’re scared of doing the same to your family as your mother did to you?”
“That, too,” I say. “But it’s different than talking with her about shit that has happened to me in the past, because that is what it is. But the future… I just can’t convince myself that it’s going to be okay. I have no reference point, no proof that…” My breath stutters as I inhale. “I can’t risk hurting her, or…”Nope, I won’t say it.
Her next words catch me so off guard, I’d stumble if I wasn’t sitting on my bed. “Maybe you should try to find your uncle.”
I blink. That thought has never even crossed my mind. “Why would I do that?”
“To see if he was able to change things. I mean, you’re so afraid of doing what you think is, like, ingrained inyour DNA. You literally broke up with the love of your life over this,” she says like it’s the most absurd thing she could ever fathom. “Maybe finding him could be helpful.”
I don’t reject her idea outright, but there’s one problem. “I don’t even know if he’s still alive.”
“I’m sure that can be found out pretty easily, don’t you think?”
I shrug with the phone to my ear. “I have no idea. And, okay, let’s say he is alive. He obviously doesn’t want to be found. I mean, his own mother hasn’t heard from him in over twenty years.” Not to mention that Rashana was able to dig up some deeply buried shit but was unable to find even scraps of information about my uncle after he turned eighteen.
“But did she try to find him?”
Again, I find myself unable to answer her question. “I don’t actually know.”
“It might be worth a shot, Rony.”
“But Randi, I wouldn’t even know where to start. How do you find someone who’s been missing for two decades?”
“Uh, doesn’t your dad work like, really fancy intelligence in the Air Force?” she asks me like I’ve temporarily lost all my brain cells.
“Oh.” I didn’t think of my dad as a person to ask for help.Does that make me a shitty son?I don’t stop to examine that question now. I have enough shit to feel bad about.
“Yeah, so maybe start there,” Miranda says. “I’m sure he has access to stuff that us normal folk don’t have access to, right?”
“Probably.”
Faint whinnying comes through the phone. I close my eyes, pretending for a moment that I’m on the ranch with her. I can almost smell the mountains.
“So, are you going to do it?” she asks giddily.
The mountains dissipate when I open my eyes to the four walls of my small bedroom. “I don’t know. I… I’m kind of scared.”
“Of finding out that maybe he’s alive and wasn’t able to break the cycle of abuse?”
She’s hitting the nail on the head.
“Yeah.”
“That’s definitely a possibility. But if you think about it, it’s a no-lose situation for you.”
“How?”
“Well, nothing really changes for you if it turns out he’s dead. Just like nothing will change for you if it turns out he’s still alive but also an asshole. As far as you know, the Donahue family consists of a bunch of abusive assholes. That’s your baseline even before you find out about your uncle, right? On the other hand, if it turns out he’s alive and a great fucking person, that’s a win for you. It gives you hope, or whatever. If he’s alive and a dick, then you’ll just be where you are now—status quo so to speak. Not better, not worse. The way I see it, you honestly have nothing to lose.”
Well shit, she has a damn point.“Yeah, maybe,” I say, nodding.
“Do it, Rony. Try to find him.”
I shut my eyes tightly and exhale the apprehension settling on my chest. “Okay.” I guess Miranda’s right—I already lost the best thing in my life when I broke up with Cat. I have nothing else to lose, even if it all goes sideways and my uncle is a very-much-alive abuser.
“Great. And I’ll tell you what, if shit turns out, well, like shit, then you can come back to Montana and marry me instead. I’m well aware how fucked up you are, I have my own bullshit to deal with, and I don’t want kids either. So we can just live out the rest of our lives fucking each other.”
A laugh bursts from my lips. “Oh, Jesus, Randi.”
