Page 111 of Not Another Yesterday
“It was just a dream, Ran. Just a dream.”
“No, Cat. It’s not that simple.” He steps out of my arms like he’s afraid staying too close might undo him completely. “That rage I felt in that fucking dream… it didn’t feel foreign. It felt like something already living inside me. And the worst part?”
He swallows hard. “It didn’t go away. I had the dream again. And again. Like it was following me. Like I was becoming a monster in my sleep.”
My stomach twists. He broke up with me… because of this? A nightmare? I shake my head. “Ran, dreams aren’t real. They don’t define you. They don’t mean—”
“In January,” he says, “Rashana came back.” His voice sharpens, like he’s bracing for impact. “I told her I wouldn’t talk to her. I should’ve left it at that. I should’ve left it alone. I should’ve walked away.”
“But you didn’t,” I say softly.
He shakes his head. “No. I asked her about my mom’s sister.”
My heart tightens.
“What did she tell you?” I ask, even though I already know that whatever it was, it’s about to destroy him all over again.
Ronan presses his lips together. His whole face contorts like he’s trying to physically contain the pain. He closes his eyes, just for a second. “My grandfather killed her.”
I stagger back a step, like his words are a punch to my chest. “Oh my god,” I whisper. “Ran…”
“She was only days old, baby,” he croaks. I don’t protest his use of his nickname for me, much like I didn’t protest it yesterday. “She was in my grandmother’s arms when my grandfather pushed my grandmother down the stairs. Always those fucking stairs…” He wipes a hand across his face, muffling the sound of his sob.
“Did your grandfather get arrested?”
This is more horrific than I ever would have thought.
Ronan shakes his head. “No. When my grandma got to the hospital with my aunt, she said she tripped and fell down the stairs with her baby in her arms. They lived in a small community; people were already aware of my grandfather’s temper. The cops were suspiciousenough to look into things, but my grandfather was chummy with the chief of police. Nothing ever came of it, just like nothing ever came of any of the other shit he probably did to my mom, and her brother, and his wife…” He sighs heavily.
I have no words. All I’m able to whisper is his name as I reach for him, desperate for some physical contact.
He blinks his watery eyes at me. “I broke up with you because I was scared of becoming like them, like my mom and grandfather. Of turning into someone who could destroy his family. If there’s even a fraction of them in me, then I’d rather rip my heart out than risk ever hurting you.”
I nod, but he speaks before I can say anything. I let him. It’s so rare that he opens up like that, I’ll be damned if I cut him off now.
“It kept simmering under my skin. That fear. And then, it’s like you made the decision for me. You did what my mother had always told me you would do: figure out that I’m not good enough for you. And even though you never said the words, when you kissed that guy—”
I flinch. “No. Ran, no. That’s not what happened. I never, not for one second, thought you weren’t good enough for me.” I swallow, then meet his eyes. “I was just… afraid. All the time. Of losing you.”
I press a fist to my chest, like I can keep everything from spilling out. But the words come anyway.
“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But somewhere along the way, I started thinking that if something went wrong, it was my fault. That I missed something. That if I just paid more attention, stayed perfectly in tune with everyone around me, I could stop bad things from happening. That if I upset you, you’d leave.”
My voice breaks. “I didn’t understand why you shut down. Why you wouldn’t talk to me about your grandma, or Rashana, or Randi. I didn’t know how to read that silence. And instead of asking, I let fear fill in the blanks.”
Ronan’s mouth opens, but I cut him off gently.
“And yeah, I didn’t understand your relationship with Randi. I thought she was a threat. But I didn’t talk to you about it because I was scared you’d see me as jealous or insecure and walk away. Even small things, like not getting a key to your apartment right away, felt huge to me.”
His eyebrows lift, likethat’sthe thing that makes no sense.
“Tori and Vada always told me to just talk to you, that it was okay to ruffle your feathers once in a while, but I was so scared of it turning out bad. I know now that arguing doesn’t mean it’s the end. I get that. I do. Just likeyouhave to get that feeling big things, being angry, doesn’t make you dangerous. I mean, you have every right to be angry—at the whole damn world! That doesn’t mean you’ll turn into a monster.”
I move my hand to his cheek, giving in to my need to touch him, to feel his skin against mine.
“I guess, in a way, we both still have some healing to do.”
He nods. “I guess we do.”
