Page 73 of Not Another Yesterday
I hold her gaze a moment longer—just long enough to remember what it feels like to belong to her—then wipe the table clean and turn to leave.
“You need to get your head out of your ass, Ran!” Vada calls after me.
I glance back, jaw tight. “And you need to butt out of shit that doesn’t concern you.”
This earns me a derisive look from her. “Cat is one of my best friends. You think you can shatter her heart and walk away like it’s noble? Fuck that, Ran. Thatdoesconcern me.”
Her words cut into me, adding to the self-inflicted wounds in my heart—which, by now, is barely even beating.
She nudges Cat. “You know what? Let’s go. Levi and Dusty actually seem like decent, emotionally available guys,” she says loudly, no doubt for my benefit.Wow.
I march toward the back door and straight past Shane. “Taking my break,” I mutter, my words grating against gritted teeth. He doesn’t stop me. Just nods, eyes full of concern.
God fuck, I should’ve gone home and gotten wasted. Then I wouldn’t have run into the most perfect girl in this world, wouldn’t have had to watch some dude hitting on her, wouldn’t have had to wonder if she’s going to hook up with this guy tonight.
I shove the heavy steel door open, putting more weight behind it than necessary. It slams against the brick. I pace, hands in my hair, my heart shouting in my chest. Man, it’s so fucking easy to fall in love, and fall I did. Hard. But nobody warned me how fucking hard it is to claw my way back out, how devastating it is to strip yourself of the person who holds your heart in her hands. I don’t want it back. It’s hers to keep until the end of days. I’m resigned to walking around with a void where my heart—where Cat—used to reside.
I pull my phone out of my back pocket and stare at it, battling with myself. How far gone am I right now? Far enough, apparently, for me to unlock it, then dial Doctor Seivert’s number.
I never manage to have an anxiety attack during her office hours. Nope, I save those for when she’s supposed to be at home, enjoying the rest of her evening. I decide against letting her answering service connect me to her cell and just leave a message for her instead.
She’s told me time and time again that she’s always available for emergencies. Except I don’t know what counts anymore. Does this? Surely my inability to emotionally regulate myself doesn’t amount to an actual crisis.
I don’t connect to her cell. I just leave a message like I did back in November, the morning after my grandmother showed up, after that nightmare. The one where I hurt Cat in my sleep. Shane was the one who told me to call her then. He’s not here now, but his voice still echoes in my head.
So I call. I call because I’m scared of myself. Because I can’t keep bleeding out in silence. Because for all my noble bullshit, I still want to be better.
For her.
Even if I can’t have her.
***
I take a few cleansing breaths, then wander back inside, chuckling to myself. Funny how I held my shit together through years of terrible abuse, but I give up the love of my life and fold like a bad hand at poker.
Shane’s eyes lock on me as I approach, his expression cautiously neutral. “Tori said Vada and Cat went off to the Foxtail Lounge to meet up with those guys from earlier,” he says, testing the water.
My jaw tightens. “Okay.” It’s all I can force out.
“Ran, what can I do?” he asks, his hand on my shoulder. “What do you need?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t do that. You look like you’re about to punch a hole in the wall. Tell me what you need right now. A shot?”
I exhale through my nose. “I need to get back to work.” I’m desperate for a distraction from this bullshit day.
Without another word, I leave Shane standing.
My attention is drawn to a couple of girls sitting a little further down the bar. One of them waves at me.
“What can I get you two?” I ask them, adjusting my ball cap.
“I’ll have a mai tai,” says the girl on the right, tucking a strand of long blonde hair behind her ear. “How about you, Audrey?”
The brunette looks me over with warm brown eyes that flick briefly to my mouth, then my chest, and back again. “Jack and Ginger,” she says, and adds with a playful grin, “And we’ll take your number, too.”
I let out a short laugh, one side of my mouth tugging upward. “You’llbothtake my number?”
