Page 55 of Not Another Yesterday
Ronan doesn’t say anything at first. He just kind of hovers near the arm of the couch, like he’s weighing whether to join me.
“I don’t want kids, baby,” he says matter-of-factly.
I stop to look at him. “I don’t want to have a baby now, either.”
He shakes his head. “No, I don’t want themever.”
His words hit me like a shove to the chest.
“Oh.”
I don’t know what to say to him. In our year and a half together, we’ve never expressly talked about our future together. I had always just assumed that if Ronan and I stayed together—which is obviously my deepest desire—we’d eventually have children. The thought that he may not actually want them never even crossed my mind.
“Why?”
He shrugs. “I just don’t want them.” He’s trying to sound unaffected, but I must have hit a nerve because his face darkens and his body tenses.
I frown. “That’s not a reason.”
“Why not?”
“It just isn’t,” I say with a shake of my head. “Why don’t you want to have children with me?” I’m hurt for some reason.
“It has nothing to do with you.”
“How can you say that? Of course, it does.”
“I don’t want kids regardless of who it’s with,” he says, and again I feel offended.
“So, you don’t even see a future with me at all?” I’m escalating our discussion, and I know it.
He grits his teeth and his jaw flexes. “I do, just not one that includes children.”
I fold my arms over my chest. “Well, Idowant kids. I’ve always wanted them,” I say with a decisive edge. “What does that mean for us?”
He hesitates, but his brow and jaw are set. “What do you want me to say, Cat? I’m not budging on this. I don’t want kids. If you do, then… I don’t know,” he says with a dismissive shrug.
His words pierce my heart. I stare at him incredulously. “Then we break up? Is that what you’re saying? Why are you so set on this? Don’t you want to be with me?”
“Of course I want to be with you, Cat. But I don’t want kids. I don’t want to be a dad.” I can tell by the tone of his voice that he really wants this conversation to be over, but I’m agitated and dig in more. I know I’m provoking a drag-out, blow-up fight, and I’m not sure why, but I’m already invested and double down.
“But I do want to be a mom eventually. I want kids with you, and you’re saying that I can’t have that. You’re going to withhold that from me because… because ‘you just don’t want them?’ That’s not good enough for me,” I yell at him.
“What do you want from me, Cat?” Ronan yells back at me, raking his hands through his dark-blond hair.
I chuff loudly. His refusal to just talk to me summons a potent anger in my chest. “I want you to tell me what’s going on in your head for once, Ran. Just once, you could fill me in on your thought process. You’re always so damn closed off. Why don’t you want kids with me?” The pain in my voice is audible.
“It’s not that I don’t want kids withyou, Cat. I don’t want them at all.”
His vague response only pisses me off more. “Yeah, you’ve made that clear by now. But why, Ran? Why?”
“Because I just don’t—”
I jab my index finger at him. “Don’t you dare say ‘because I just don’t want them’ again. That’s fucking bullshit, Ran. You always do this; you never open up to me. You leave me fucking guessing. Why?”
We are all out shouting at each other now.
“Fuck, Cat. Just fucking stop,” Ronan growls at me. He’s pissed and hurt and frustrated; his entire body is tense as he paces the living room.
