Page 198 of Not Another Yesterday
“Oh, you know, just going to have the time of our lives hanging out with the whole damn family. Not just mine, but Cat’s, too.”
“Oh, yeah, you’re just chomping at the fucking bit,” Shane laughs.
“You know it.”
“Oh, come on, Ran. Both of your families aregreat,” Tori says.
“Okay, my brothers are great, I give you that,” I say. “And Cat’s mom is awesome, and so are her siblings. And, I guess, Penny’s nice, too…”
“It’s the dads that are the issue, huh?” Shane says knowingly.
“They’re alright, I guess. They’re just kind of overbearing, and one in particular after being absent the vast majority of my life. In fact”—I pull my vibrating phone out of my back pocket, glancing at the screen—“here’s my dad now, probably wondering where the fuck we are.” I let his call go to voicemail.
Shane studies me amusedly, then asks, “How’s therapy going?”
“Dude, you know as well as I do that there are some things even therapy can’t fix. Look, I’m trying, okay?”
“I know you are, Ran. But maybe at least answer his phone calls. Just a suggestion.” Shane nudges my shoulder. “He’s a good dad. He’s making a hell of an effort. Let him in, dude.”
“Sage advice, as always,” I chuckle.
“I’m your best friend for a reason.”
“Clearly.”
A few minutes later Shane and Tori head out, arms full of presents and the mountain of Christmas cookies Tori and Cat baked a couple of days ago. That process had mostly involved Tori smacking Shane’s hands away every time he tried to steal one still warm from the oven.
I’m ignoring yet another buzz from my dad when I stop at the bathroom door.
Cat stands in front of the mirror, still and quiet. Her gaze is distant. Her hands rest on her stomach, and my chest tightens. I step inside and wrap my arms around her from behind.
“How are you today?” I ask softly, knowing full well the weight this date carries.
She sighs, leaning back into me. “I don’t know,” she says quietly. “I think I’m okay, but… I get sad.”
“Yeah.” I hold her tighter, neither of us moving for a long moment. “I love you, baby. I wish I could make this easier for you.”
“You do,” she says with quiet conviction. She turns in my arms and presses her lips to mine.
Cat
If things had gone the way they were supposed to, I’d be holding Ronan’s and my son in my arms today. Or maybe I’d still be waiting, expecting to meet him any day now.
But then again, if things had gone the way they weresupposedto, I probably never would’ve gotten pregnant in the first place. I don’t know.
Most days I feel okay. And physically Iamokay. My clothes fit the way they used to. My cycle’s back to normal. With the exception of that three-inch scar on my lower abdomen, there’s no trace left, nothing to show that, just over four months ago, I was growing a baby inside me.
But the memories haven’t gone anywhere. And sometimes I swear I still feel phantom flutters in my belly. Little kicks that never were. Reminders of everything I lost, of everythingwelost.
Even though things are good now, even though I’m happy—reallyhappy—I still get sad. I still wonder what today would look like if I hadn’t lost our baby. Would we be bleary-eyed and exhausted, our arms full of this tiny new life? Would we be late today for a whole different reason?
Ronan has been everything I didn’t even know I’d need. I thank the stars for him every day, his steady presence, the calm he brings into any room. The way he loves me so openly, so easily. He always knows what I need, even when I don’t. Most of the time it’s just him, just his arms around me while I let whatever feeling has crept in run its course.
Like this morning. He held me without asking questions, without needing explanations, just… held me.
I don’t know how I’d do this without him.
We take our time getting ready. Neither of us is eager to rush over to his dad’s house, where both of our families are already congregating in a too-small space. My mom’s already called twice and texted four times asking for our ETA.
