Page 169 of Not Another Yesterday
“You sound like every sixteen-year-old guy ever,” I say, because… yeah. I get it.
“Rica stayed with me for a bit. We tried to make it work, but we couldn’t stay. The guy I was crashing with didn’t want a baby in theplace. I had no way to support her or the baby. So, I bit the bullet and called my parents. Morai cried when I told her. But within minutes, she had a plan for us to come back to Montana. Rica’s parents wanted nothing to do with her. And I couldn’t do it on my own.”
He exhales like the memory still stings.
“So back to Montana we went. We got married. And I wasso fucking resentful, Ran. I didn’t want any of it. Not Montana, not the ranch, not the marriage, not fatherhood.”
He stares out the windshield, jaw tight.
“But then Stevie was born,” he says, softening. “And, god. That moment you hold your child for the first time… it’s like your heart breaks wide open.”
I nod slowly. “Still didn’t stop you from leaving.”
“No. It didn’t.” He pauses. “I told Rica and my parents that I was still going to enlist. The plan was that once I got stationed somewhere in the U.S., I’d bring Rica and Stevie to live on base with me. But… Rica got pregnant again. Right before I left for basic training.”
He swallows. “She called me crying. Told me she was expecting you. I wasn’t there for any of her pregnancy. Not the doctor visits, not the ultrasounds. I completed basic, then technical training, then went overseas for a bit. Ran, I didn’t meet you until you were six months old.”
That one stings more than I expect.
“Can I ask you a weird question?” I say.
He glances at me. “Sure.”
“Were you… faithful to Mom? Before Penny, I mean.”
He exhales long and deep, then shakes his head. “No. I wasn’t. I was a shitty husband to your mom. Just like I was a shitty dad to you and your brother.”
“Did you love her?”
“I had loveforher—as the mother of my kids. But I didn’t love her like a husband should. Not like I love Penny. Not like you love Cat.”
He looks at me again, eyes glassy but steady. “Ran, I am as much to blame for what happened to you as your mother. I may not have laid a hand on you, but I didn’t protect you, either.”
He looks back to the road, knuckles tight on the wheel.
“I remember Morai telling me, over and over, that she was worried Rica didn’t have much of a bond with you. She told me once she saw Rica hit you. I confronted Rica. She blamed it on stress. Said she was overwhelmed. I bought it. Iwantedto believe it, because it meant I didn’t have to look closer. And I didn’t.”
He goes quiet, and I let the silence hang.
“When it was time for me to move to Georgia, Rica was going to stay in New York. Her parents helped with the house. Thingsseemedstable. So I didn’t push. The only reason you guys ever lived with me that one year when you were five or six was because Morai guilted me into it. Rica hated it. She wanted to go back to New York. So you did.”
I breathe in slowly. “Why did we go back to Montana?”
“Ugh, it was always such a push-and-pull. Morai honestly wanted you guys there. They wanted me home. They wanted you boys close. When I tell you your grandparents love you, Ran, that’s not enough to describe the kind of love they have for you and Stevie. You are obviously her favorite,” my dad chuckles. “Pretty sure you have been from the moment you took your first breath. I remember her calling me just after you were born. I was stationed in Okinawa and she was crying, telling me about you, how you had a strong cry. Said you were little but already feisty. And she said she thought your name should be Ronan. After her dad.”
He smiles at the memory.
“So Rica and I argued about you three moving back to Montana. She gave in, gave it a really good shot for a couple of years, but then you obviously came back to New York. Then I moved to Montana, was stationed there for a hot minute and brought you guys back to the ranch while I was in Great Falls. But, then I was in Virginia for a few weeks and I met Penny…”
I know where this is going.
“Her husband Cade and I had been friends since basic. They had only been married a couple of years when I met her at a military function. And, fuck, I fell for her right then and there. Hard. Ran, I had never felt anything like it. The moment I laid eyes on her, I was completely lost to her.”
I nod because I get it. I get the earth-tilting clarity that comes with seeing someone and just… knowing. “I know exactly what that feels like.”
He nods like he knows who I’m talking about. But the smile dies too fast. There’s a sharp twist in my stomach as I brace for the rest.
“I couldn’t stand being away from her. So I went back to Virginia, and I had you guys move back to New York so I could still see you. Ran, I feel so bad about it all. I never realized what I was putting you through.”
