Page 33 of Exile & Lula
“Because he saved you?”
“Because he’s gorgeous,” I blurted out and sighed. “When Exile looks at me, I never want him to look away.”
Bebe considered my words. I had never spoken of Jarred in this way. We were friends and then lovers before becoming husband and wife. Nothing magical happened between us. But Jarred was completely different with Alani, and I hoped I might create something special with Exile.
My mom took my hand and said, “He must feel something powerful for you since he came here unexpectedly.”
“Tomorrow will tell me what this is,” I insisted, as if my romantic life were a question to be analyzed and solved. “I’m glad he’s with Rowdy tonight. I don’t trust Tricky and the Jokers not to hassle him.”
“Tricky’s a slave to his emotions. There’s nothing wrong with that,” Bebe said and shrugged. “Pax is the same way. But I hope Tricky leaves your boyfriend alone.”
Grinning, I murmured, “My boyfriend.”
“How would dating work with Exile living so far away?”
“I don’t know.”
“Jarred left Little Memphis for Alani,” Bebe said, doing little to hide her abandonment fears. “Is that how you’d make it work with Exile?”
“I don’t know.”
With her lips tight, my mom mumbled, “I can’t imagine he’d walk away from his club to live here.”
“You’re stressing me out now.”
“Sorry, but I worry about things. It’s my job as your mom.”
“And worrying about where I might live isn’t as scary as worrying about the bad guys grabbing me, right?”
Bebe flashed a worried scowl. “I’m worried about everything.”
“Me, too.”
Hugging my mom, I felt weak in a way I rarely did. Even when I was tied up, I kept my mind busy with escape strategies. Now, though, I could only ping pong between stressing about what might happen with Exile and worrying about Stevie and Cher.
After cleaning up our tear-streaked faces, Bebe and I left the bedroom and joined the rest of the family. I sat between my mom and Vanessa outside on the deck while watching Dillon play with the foster kids, Elijah and Jenan, on the playset.
Next to me, Vanessa repeatedly watched the video of Stevie eating jello. My sister was the sensitive one in the family. She painted and loved gardening, but she was also an ace mechanic and tough chick.
When I went inside for a drink, I found Sabrina and Xandy consoling Moe in the kitchen. They stroked her head and whispered promises of better days. Sabrina was a hardheaded woman, but her heart was big enough to love two women.
I found myself longing for the comfort she shared with Moe and Xandy. All evening, I felt myself coveting other people’s relationships. I saw Pax and Bebe goofing together. In the nextyard, Ford and Shay grilled outside. His arm often slid across her shoulders, wanting her closer. Clint and Ivy sat cuddled together, having eyes for only each other.
As the sun set, I felt like Exile was only a dream. I texted Rowdy to check on his guest. He reassured me that Exile was alive and well, except in the video games, where he got himself eaten.
The darkness outside began to play tricks on my mind. I felt overly nervous. I kept thinking about when the bag was on my head. I grew claustrophobic, even in my parents’ oversized family room.
Sabrina, Moe, Xandy, and Vanessa left around eight. The house fell quiet as the kids prepared to crash for the night. My paranoia increased.
Pax made a show of checking the security before I went to bed. My parents knew I was scared. Dillon likely knew, too, because she took a long time to sleep as we rested together in the guest room.
I hadn’t been afraid of the dark in years. I often took Xena outside in the middle of the night when she needed to relieve herself. Now, I found myself chasing shadows in the guest room, thinking I was under attack again.
Eventually, after Dillon dozed off, I hid in the bathroom. Sobbing behind my hands, I didn’t want to wake my daughter. She needed me to be strong. If I were fearless, she could put her anxiety behind her, too.
But I couldn’t escape my fear or argue my way to a solution. So many times, I’d taken on huge firms. I would rally every free hand in town to help me process filing after filing until those larger firms were ready to settle rather than to deal with me anymore.
Fixing what happened with the sisters wasn’t in my power. Beyond my guilt over their suffering was my own fear at howthose men dragged me away from my life. I’d been completely powerless against them. More than once, one of them had felt me up as if bored and in need of something to do.
