Page 48 of Exile & Lula
“My dad worked as a ranch hand. He loved horses and always talked about us getting our own place with stables.”
I hesitated when I sounded too fond of my father. Lula watched me with a patient gaze. She sipped her beer and smiled when I remained silent for too long.
“I was crazy about my dad when I was little,” I admitted. “The guy might have been a monster, but I didn’t see that side of him.”
“People are complicated. The men who attacked the sisters and me in the garage likely didn’t spend their off time kicking puppies. I’m sure someone will mourn them.”
Nodding at her meaning, I felt a little more comfortable admitting, “Danny was a good dad and husband. He doted on me and Nova. He treated my mom great. They were high school sweethearts. We lived in a tidy ranch. My mom stayed at home with Nova and me. We had a quiet, comfortable life.”
When I fell silent again, Lula whispered, “It’s not your fault you loved your dad.”
“Sure, people say that, but they also want me to hate him. After it came out about the murders, we basically got run out of town. My mom loved my dad too much. People thought she knew what he was doing and protected him. We had to move to my grandparents’ place in a different part of the state.”
Lula reached over and stroked my hand. “When was the last time you saw your dad?”
“We visited him before he took the plea deal. I wore the cowboy hat he gave me for my birthday. The man I saw in the jail visiting area was my dad. He wasn’t a monster that hunted young women. I didn’t know the ugly details back then. I only knew he had hurt people.”
“From what I read, the cops basically caught your dad in the act. There was never any attempt to feign innocence on his part.”
“No, but it’s still difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea that the fun, warm man I knew was a monster.”
Lula considered my words and asked, “What was your life like once you lived with your grandparents?”
“My grandmother’s solution was to pray away the evil. My grandfather wanted us to stop talking about my dad. He took my hat. Hell, he took Nova’s newest doll because it was a gift from our dad. My mom told people that her husband had passed away.”
“How long did you live with your grandparents?”
“Not long. As soon as my mom got her divorce finalized, she married a middle-aged man with a bunch of kids from his dead first wife. The guy wasn’t bad, but his family hated me. They liked Nova well enough but decided her name should be Anne. Nova was too weird. I couldn’t stand how fake everyone was.”
“Did you live with that guy until you joined the military?”
“No, he died when I was fifteen. My mom jumped to the next fucker looking for a replacement wife. This one treated me like shit, and he was weird with Nova. His family thought my mom was a gold digger, which was dumb since she had money from the last guy’s life insurance. My mom didn’t need to marry anyone, but she’d been raised to think she needed a husband.”
“How was this stepdad weird with Nova?”
“He didn’t like how she was a normal girl. She wore jeans and shorts. He was convinced she was developing too fast. His own daughter was a flat-chested, overly modest weirdo. He demanded that Nova wear long skirts. He wouldn’t let her wear makeup. She had to have her hair back in a ponytail. I was so fucking happy to get away from those people. The Marines felt like freedom after living with those fucked-up people and their stupid fucking rules.”
Sighing, I felt like Lula was judging my family. I wouldn’t blame her for thinking we were defective on a fundamental level. I started hating us when I was young. That was one reason I didn’t return to South Dakota for so long. I wanted to pretend I wasn’t part of that world.
Lula watched me with her beautiful eyes for a long moment. I realized I was supposed to be sharing my deep, dark secrets. She had taken me to the quarry to tell me about her birth dad. Lula expected zero barriers between us, yet I’d spent most of my life wishing I could forget my past in South Dakota.
“Did your mom ever have anyone she could lean on?”
“I don’t think so. I barely kept in touch with her after I joined the Marines. When I called her, we only discussed the basics. Once I left South Dakota, I never wanted to look back.”
“But you did look back at some point. That’s why Nova lives with you.”
“The only time I went back was after my mom died. I couldn’t leave Nova in that life. She was always the best part of my parents rolled up in a smiling doll. Seeing her with a black eye killed me. I should have been checking on her before then.”
Lula wrapped her fingers around my hand and squeezed. “Were you wearing your cowboy hat again by then?”
“Yeah, but only because I’d met Zodiac,” I said, recalling the day York brought me to the clubhouse to meet his friends. “He was a weird guy who didn’t edit himself to seem normal. He said I was a damaged man, and no amount of bullshit could hide that fact. He claimed I ought to own my internal fuckery. I figured he was spewing bullshit like he’s known to do.”
I paused to finish my beer as if the liquor might give me the courage to face a time when I was hiding from myself.
“One day, I walked by a used clothes shop with an old cowboy hat in the window that looked a lot like my dad’s favorite one. Right then, I chose to face how I would always be my father’sson. I looked like him. I sounded like him. I had his name. Acting like I could change whose blood flowed through my veins was a bitch move, and I wasn’t going to do it anymore.”
Lula leaned over and slid her finger across my hat’s rim. Her smile demanded one from me. I couldn’t help myself. Her attention always made me feel like a million bucks.
