Page 240 of Small Town Firsts
This one—one of the half dozen properties his family owned on the cove—wasn’t often used. It was known as the Mistress House after one of the Hamilton men who kept his affairs away from the main house. Hell, Seth’s dad may have done that too. Now it mostly lay empty and served as one of the few places I could be alone in this town. The small-town vibe of everyone in and out of each other’s business was generally a comfort to me,but right now, every person I ran into wanted to know when Seth and I were going to get married and make babies.
How that little tidbit had gotten around, I had no clue. But I figured a certain blond might have something to do with it. The diner was the center of the town in more ways than one, and remarking on Seth’s skills in the sack to several patrons certainly hadn’t helped my cause.
Not that it mattered. No one could actually have a fling in this town.
Even if the mere idea of a fling and Seth in the same sentence made my chest tighten.
He’d never been that for me, even when I wanted him to be. When the idea of making a kid with him took hold, there’d been little hope for my heart to truly stay mine. It had always been his, but only I’d known it. That had been somehow easier than this.
All my dreams and happiness were wrapped up in his little girl and the man himself. I wasn’t sure I could face all of that again. Loving him could be the one thing that would actually break me.
I hiked up the grassy hill into the trees and the path that rounded Crescent Cove. The house was beautiful, but not as pristine as the other Hamilton holdings. But that didn’t much matter when it came to the view. The lake, the town, and the little gazebo looked picturesque from this vantage point. The sun glittered off the lake. No mirror sheen here. No, our cove was choppy and a bit wild. It suited me right to the ground.
The idea of moving out of Crescent Cove killed me. Because if things didn’t work out between us, I’d have to leave. I wouldn’t be able to face seeing him in town. My hand slid over my flat belly. Especially if there was a child growing inside me. Would he get what he wanted and be done with me? Or just keep me around in a mother capacity?
Would I be forever on the outside looking in?
I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to do that. Even though I wanted a family so very much, I wasn’t sure I could take half-measures now.
I’d hiked these hills for days and still couldn’t find an answer. So many fears churned inside me, and they were often the loudest voices of all.
Looking away from the town and the water, I caught sight of the little abandoned church on the far side of the cove. The only thing there now was the cemetery. The town had taken the church in the center square as their own many years ago, but the cemetery had always been up away from the lake.
I hadn’t been there since we’d buried my mom that one sunny day. I’d been at peace about her leaving me. Mostly because the woman I’d loved had left long before. Even at the end when her body had turned on her so completely, she’d had a sweet smile until the very end.
She just hadn’t been my mom.
I ducked through the trees and up the less used path to the little church. There was an old dirt road that the processionals used, but I didn’t want to drive. The stretch of muscles and the sun helped the nausea that had been living inside me for the last week. Another thing I wasn’t quite ready to face.
As evidenced by the plastic bag tucked away in my knapsack at the Hamilton camp. The one burning a hole in the worn canvas.
I’d traveled two towns over to buy it, visiting a nearby city where no one knew who I was. I’d wrapped the box in two bags and shoved it deep down. Fitting since all I ever did was shove things down so I didn’t have to look at them.
It was getting really tiresome.
I lifted my face to the sun and uncapped the water bottle at my hip. Even if I didn’t want an answer just quite yet, I wasn’t stupid. A few signs might add up to nothing. Or a damn lot.
One of those signs was that a few hours in the summer sun could put me down like a puppy. So I guzzled down half the bottle and stuck it back in its little holster. I kept hiking, taking a shortcut up across the path instead of using the lazy walking trail.
Right then, it felt more important to get to the little hill under the Japanese maple at the far side of the cemetery. The headstones came into view and my chest ached. I ran my fingertips over the old stones at the front. The mausoleum to the left with Hamilton engraved across the top told the history of our town better than any story in the library.
Huge. Moneyed. Overwhelming.
I turned away from the testament to privilege and status and headed toward the edges of the cemetery where the plots were smaller, but no less taken care of. I aimed right for the ivory angel standing guard over my mom’s grave. She was small and fairy-like beside the simple marker with her name and the dates. I brushed away the leaves and tugged out a few weeds before dropping cross-legged in front of her headstone.
“Hi, Mom.”
I didn’t even know what I really wanted to say, but it felt good to say hello. I cleared my throat. “I hope you can hear me. Even if you can’t, I’ll just pretend. I’m good at that.” I dashed away a tear I hadn’t realized was rolling down my cheek. “So I did a thing. I swore I wouldn’t, but I did it anyway. I didn’t mean to. Honestly. I look back now and wonder how I lasted as long as I did. Actually, that’s probably one more lie I’ve told myself.” I laughed before leaning forward to brush away dust on the base of her headstone. “I love him, Ma. So much that it scares the crap out of me. Like my chest feels overfull with it. And his little girl? God. She’s the sweetest thing. She’s gotten so big since you’ve seen her.”
I dashed away another tear. “I think you’d remember her. Seth used to bring her to see you, but I know the stuff they gave you had you really out of it.”
But I remembered the smiles. Whenever Laurie came over, there was always a smile on my mom’s face. Of course, that little girl brought sunshine with her everywhere.
My little girl.
She was mine for all intents and purposes.
Just like Seth.
