Page 47 of The Jilted Duchess
He hurried from the room before she could respond. He didn’t think he could bear it if she decided to take pity on him, to tell him that shewouldjoin him for dinner. He couldn’t bear that. He would never be able to believe that she was there because she truly wanted to be, and he didn’t want to go along with a charade.
At least she had enjoyed the books. At least there was that. Though who knew whether she would permit herself to read them now that there was this new strangeness between them. More likely, she would return to the practice of putting all her energy toward avoiding him. He felt sick and angry, and he knew that if he were to return to the boxing ring now, no one would be able to land a punch on him. He would pound anyone who tried to dust.
Nae a very good time to box one’s friends. Best be on me own.
He returned to his study and closed the door, and for the first time in a very long time, he locked it behind him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Alexandra paced back and forth in front of the door to Hector’s study, trying to summon the courage to go in.
I don’t need to do it, she reminded herself. She was escorting Penelope to a garden party—she didn’t need him for that. She could tend to it perfectly well on her own, without his help. So maybe she ought to do that and leave him out of it.
But she couldn’t put from her mind the fact that he had asked her to reach out to him the next time she was taking her sister to a function. He had been bothered that she hadn’t let him know about the dinner party. As bad as things were between the two of them right now, the last thing she wanted was to make them any worse. She had to honor the request he’d made of her, no matter how awkward it was. And even though she couldn’t be sure he would still want her to do this, given the uncomfortable state of things between them, it made more sense to do as he had asked than to run the risk of making a guess that he’d want her to ignore that request.
It was torment that things had been so uncomfortable—she’d never meant for that to happen. Of course, she hadn’t. And that day in the library had been lovely, right up until the moment it hadn’t been. He’d been so kind to think of showing her those books, and so right to think that she would like them. He had been sogenerous, telling her that she could have a tutor and that he would help her explore a business venture. It was more than Alexandra could ever have dared to hope for, and she knew it. She wouldn’t have taken any of that for granted.
And then there was the kiss. Oh, that kiss! It was impossible to stop thinking about it. His lips found hers in her dreams, kissing her over and over until she was dizzy with it, until she’d forgotten her own name, and she awoke heartsore with tears in her eyes.
If only he had never asked her to come to his bed! That was the one thing she had been unable to give in to, because in spite of everything, she didn’t trust him. She couldn’t. What if he turned out to be like her father? What if loving him was wrong-headed and unsafe?
No. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t allow herself to be vulnerable to his man—even though her heart yearned to do exactly that.
But I can open this door. I can go in this room and speak to my husband. I can do that much.
She took a deep breath, steeling herself, and then opened the door and walked through it.
He didn’t look up from the papers on his desk.
She let out a sigh.I suppose I deserve that.
“Hector,” she said, “I’m going to a garden party today. I’m escorting Penelope.”
“Enjoy yerself,” he said, still not looking up at her.
“I’m here because—well—you told me that you wanted me to let you know if I was going to do something like this,” she reminded him. “You said you wanted to be included next time this happened.”
Now he did look up.
Alexandra couldn’t help it—she let out a gasp of shock.
He looked unwell. She hadn’t seen him since the day in the library, so perhaps it was no great shock that she hadn’t realized he was in this state—but that had only been a few days ago, after all. He had been fine then.
Now he looked as if he hadn’t slept in weeks. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his cheeks looked hollow. Was he eating properly? He hadn’t come to dinner recently, which she had been grateful for—the fact that he was avoiding her had spared her the duty of having to avoidhim. She had been able to eat her dinner at the table because she’d known he wouldn’t be there.She hadn’t guessed that it might mean he wasn’t eating at all. Now she was worried for him.
She cleared her throat. “It ought to be a good party,” she said. “Would—would you like to join us?”
Minutes ago, she had been hoping he wouldn’t want to come. She had come to ask him about the party out of duty, not desire. But now she found herself wishing that he would say yes, in spite of how awkward she knew it would be. She wanted to try to repair what had broken between the two of them. She wanted to mend things, especially now that she could see for herself how much he had been hurt by it all.
“Ye go,” he said. “I’m sure ye’ll have more fun without me.”
“No—you can come if you’d like to,” she protested. It was the closest she dared come to telling him that she wanted him to be there, even though she did.
“I’m giving ye yer space for now,” he told her, looking back down at the papers in front of him. It was a clear dismissal—he was finished with the conversation. Finished withher.
Guilt flooded Alexandra. He was doing this because of her, because of the way she had acted when he had asked her to his room. She felt sick with it, seeing the consequences of her decision play out in front of her like this.
She hadn’t known that she had the power to hurt him.
