Page 66 of Crossroads
We go inside and finish celebrating, me with a fake smile and Emerson’s smile mostly matching mine. And when we turn in for the night in my loft, I strip him down and make love to him.
I don’t fuck him. I take my time. I tease him up to the edge of coming and then start all over again until we’re both too close to deny our pleasure, and we come at nearly the same time.
And then, I hold him to me, wrapped around his body, my front to his back. I silently plead with him not to go. I have responsibilities here. I have a whole life and a plan for that life, but none of it makes sense anymore.
None of it feels right when I think about it without him.
How did he do this to me? I was fine with life. Just drifting through, maybe, but I was doing just fine. And then he comes in and wrecks it. He scrambled it all up and changed everything.
In the best possible way that I never saw coming.
“I want to drive with you to California,” I whisper into his ear. “I can’t stay.” I hold him tighter, and his hands run over my forearm that’s resting over his stomach. “But I want to see your new home.”
“It’s not home, Jasper.” He rolls, staying in my hold, but facing me now. “It won’t be home without you.”
My throat is tight with emotion. “I can’t leave them,” I say, cursing myself because I feel guilt. I want to, if I’m being truthful. I could handle living in a crowded city probably near a loud college campus in a state I’ve never really had any desire to go to. I could do it easily for him. But I can’t leave them.
“I know,” he says, and the truth is I think he does know. He’s not trying to push me into it. He leans forward and steals a sweet kiss. “I just want as much of you as I can get.”
“You have me.” I kiss him hard. “You have all of me. You have to know that.”
He nods and kisses me again, sweeter and softer than I kissed him. Telling me it’s okay.
Telling me that he doesn’t blame me for my choice.
But I blame me.
Why does life have to be so fucking hard sometimes? The choice feels impossible. But he’s not making me choose.
He understands, even when I don’t.
TWENTY-EIGHT
“Okay, text me when you get to your first stop and then every day until you make it to California. Then, you call me,” Kelly says, holding my face in her hands. I’m not used to anyone caring so much. I think I got a little spoiled here.
“I will. I promise.”
She hugs me closer to her now, wrapping her arms around me and squeezing the life out of me. “You can always come home. This is your home now, whether you like it or not.”
I try to swallow down all the yucky feelings this is bringing up while looking over her shoulder at Jasper, who’s grinning like a fool. He already got his Kelly hug and peptalk, and the bastard is finding it hilarious now. “Thank you, Aunt Kelly. I’ll be back to visit, for sure.”
She pulls back, holding me by the shoulders. “You better. You will always have a home here. You know that, right?”
She’s dead serious, and I don’t want to argue with her and tell her that I’m not really the sort of person who has a home. I’ve always had somewhere to live, but not a home. She’s right, though, in the sense that this place has felt the closest to homethat I’ve ever experienced. “Thank you,” I say simply, and she hugs me again and then releases me.
“You boys be careful,” she says, waving us off as we hop into my car.
Jasper is coming with me.
No, not for forever, like I actually want, but this is something, at least. I thought I was going to have to say goodbye to him today, like I did John and Millie when they left earlier. But it was still hard to say my goodbyes to them and now to Kelly.
But I don’t have to say goodbye to him just yet. That’s what I’m focusing on.
I drive away from the farm and toward town to hop onto the interstate, neither of us saying a word. It’s not really awkward or anything, but it’s heavy. Even though I’m excited he’s going with me, we still know it’s going to end.
“You hungry? Want to grab something for the road?” I ask.
Jasper just looks out the window and shakes his head. I feel like I’m taking him away, stealing him from the place he loves. Maybe this was a mistake. I should have just been a man and said goodbye now. Let him be.
