Page 70 of Crossroads
Goddammit. I hate that. I can’t stop thinking about him.
It’s been a month since he dropped me off at the airport in California. I’m convinced it’s never going to get any easier. But he calls, and he texts. And I try really hard to pretend like I’m happy for him.
I am happy for him—but I want him here.
“Sorry,” I apologize to Jackson because he’s not the reason I’m pissy. Nope. I’m pissy because my boyfriend—who I can’t even call my boyfriend because we were never even really together—lives across the country from me.
I check my phone when I think I feel it vibrate and see nothing is there.
“Not a problem,” Jackson says. “You can go ahead and go check on the animals if you want. I’ve got this covered.”
And the truth is, I know he does. I nod my head and don’t argue with him. Even if I did, it wouldn’t matter because Jackson wouldn’t push back. He’s calm and collected. Never pushes my buttons.
He goes home to his wife at the end of the day, totally happy and fulfilled. Nothing pisses him off.
I walk out of the barn and see my mom pulling up the drive. I get nervous immediately—always on edge because I never know what’s going on with my dad’s health.
My mom is frazzled when she gets out of the car, but when she sees me, a bright smile comes over her face. “Hi, sweetie.”
It’s good to see her. I may have been avoiding my family even more than usual lately, but really, I’ve been avoiding most people. I even mailed my last check to her because I’m too much of a grumpy asshole to go see them in person.
Facing my dad after what happened makes my stomach turn, especially now that I don’t have Emerson to come home to.
My heart squeezes tightly just at the thought of him, and once again, I pull my phone from my pocket to see that there’s no message from him and immediately stick it back, hopefully before my mom catches on.
“Lucy?” Damn. Of course she noticed, and of course she thinks I was hoping to hear from Lucy.
Maybe I should just tell her about Emerson and me. But then again, what’s the point? He’s not here. “Nah. Just spam email.”
It’s clear she doesn’t believe me by the little smirk on her mouth, but she doesn’t push. I look in the back seat and see my little brother with his headphones on and his tablet in his little hand. “Listen, sweetie, Logan misses you like crazy, and I picked up an extra shift. So I was wondering if it would be okay to leave him with you for the day.”
I feel like an absolutely shitty brother. I’ve really let him down. “Of course, Mom. He’s welcome any time. You know Kelly doesn’t mind.”
I wave to Logan, who waves excitedly at me but then looks back at his tablet, and I laugh, turning back to face my mother, who doesn’t look nearly as happy as Logan, which makes my grin drop.
“What’s wrong, Mom?” I can’t voice the concern I have for my father because if I say it out loud it makes it too real. But I also know in the back of my mind that’s what I’m really worried about.
“Oh, nothing,” she says quickly. “It’s just he really wants you to take him trick or treating, and I told him I’d ask you but that maybe you were busy...”
“What?” That’s not at all what I was expecting, but the fact that she looks afraid to ask me is only another punch to my stomach. “Of course I’ll take him.”
“Are you sure? I can, but I’d have to ask off for it and?—”
“No. Mom, I’m happy to do it,” I say, and she pulls me into a hug, a warm embrace that makes me feel even worse. I barely recognize myself nowadays.
“You’re such a good boy.” She kisses my temple, and I know she has no idea how untrue that is. Because even after I bring my brother in to Kelly for some good old-fashion spoiling, I’m going through the motions and do my best to seem happy while I smile and laugh as John and Kelly play with my little brother, but my heart isn’t here.
It’s all the way in motherfucking California.
“You look pretty cute, little man,”I say with a genuine smile as I adjust his little pirate hat on top of his head. He’s dressed from head to toe with black boots, red-and-black-striped leggings, a flowy white shirt and black vest, and of course, the pirate hat and a fake earring and sword.
It’s Halloween, and I’d like to say I’m missing Emerson a little less, but that would be a total lie. I think it’s even more now, but I have found it easier to actually enjoy other parts of my life again.
Which is nice. I guess.
Logan is, for sure, the bright spot. I haven’t been back to my parents’ house still. But my mom has dropped him off with me a few times a week at my request, and that part has been really good.
Of course, he wants to call and text Emerson a lot. I didn’t realize how much my little brother would miss him too, but every time we call Emerson—he’s always thrilled to see my little brother and talks to him for as long as he can. It warms my heart, but it also reminds me of what I’m missing out on.
