Page 46 of Thief of Roses
XIX.
Something changed and neither of them could identify when it had happened.When she forgave him?When she tended him in convalescence?When they bathed together?When he held her in her grief?Touch and warmth and comfort became the constant rather than infrequent events.
When he bid her farewell, she almost begged him to stay.She already missed him.If she had asked, he may have remained to keep her happy.She had no desire to keep him from what made him content and at peace, but she craved his touch and the comfort of his presence.
Rivani suspected that Baró hesitated leaving this time too.She could not pinpoint why she thought that since he behaved as he always did, polite, respectful, reserved.Perhaps he watched her a little more closely, a little more shyly, or a little more longingly.Perhaps he had simply misjudged the start of her ovulation and her body’s hormonal changes affected him.Maybe, when she had given him a filled pack she had sewn with an accompanying light brush of her lips on his temple and the order to be safe, he had wanted her to repeat the action.She hoped that when he got to his destination and opened the pack to look through the contents, he would not think it too forward.The jarred dried meat and dehydrated fruit would not cause any horror, but the third gift might.She had thought it special, until he had gone.She started to worry that she might have been too brazen.If he considered how she meant it, though, perhaps he could appreciate it more than any other item.Then she despaired that he, even though he could appreciate it, would have his own severe ideals of appropriate behavior challenged.Too late now.He now had her linens heavily stained with her blood from the prior weeks.Regardless of how he perceived the gift, Rivani enjoyed knowing an intimate part of her could be with him even while apart.
With the first light snowfall, Rivani worried about him.She bundled herself in a large tanned hide as if attempting to adopt the skin as her own, and kept vigil for his return in the sleeping vegetable garden.She wanted nothing more than to curl up with him in front of the fire with cups of tea, snuggled against each other for warmth, sharing stories and strategizing for the future.
She had taken a trip to hervyardinseveral times in his absence, mostly to restock her stores in an attempt to fill her time.She had outfitted it with candles and furs, making it look cozier than she had ever recalled.It called up fantasies about sharing it with a creature who would barely fit through the doorway.Her built-in bed, which always seemed excessively large for one person, now appeared hilariously small when contemplating sharing that bed with...And that workspace, which had always accommodated her purposes when creating balms and potions and oils, appeared so inferior when imagining that she would be working side-by-side with...With no one, she finished every little wayward daydream.He could not leave the forest and she could not stay.Too many times in his absence, she flopped upon her old bed and gave into tears at the impossibility of what she wanted.
Rivani attributed those moments of hopelessness to the hormonal changes that caused their separation each month.The colder, darker months never much helped her mood and with the snow came headaches that laid her low for several days.When those let up, she abandoned her rooms in search of food, feeling as if she could, without a shred of regret, devour the other half of the stag in the buttery.She did not have to resort to the venison though, being surprised with more thoughtful and extravagant gifts left for her on the kitchen long table.Two dozen eggs, nestled in hay, sat upon the table in the pack she made.A jar of milk sat beside it accompanied by a small tub of butter.And to crown this feast, a magnificent wheel of cheese dwarfed all of it.
When they stopped using the Magic for meals, they had managed, but she missed the dairy beyond all else.She unsealed the bottle of milk and took a long, cool drink from it.She could not imagine where Baró had gained access to chickens and cows, but she found herself giddy with the unintentional implications of this courtship gesture, the source of it unnecessary.Half her joy, though, came from the knowledge that he had returned.
Noticing the kitchen door secured, Rivani called to him as she retreated down the corridor to the great hall.She ran into him rounding the corner into the great hall as he had been headed towards the corridor to find her.He grasped her arms to keep her from crashing into him, but released her lest he harm her in the surprise.He appeared much improved, better than when he left, stronger, more confident, recovered from his ordeal and back to walking on his hind legs.
“Baró!”Rivani grasped his forearms on impulse when he dropped his hold on her and beamed up at him.“I am so happy to see you.I was afraid that you would freeze.”She gave a cursory glance over him to ensure he did not hide wounds.“And thank you so much for everything you brought.”
“Rivani,” he addressed when he located his voice, “may I — Could we...”He cast his eyes down.“I wish to say something to you,” he told her, “and I feel like a little boy hoping not to bother someone important with foolish prattle.”
Baró sounded so serious that Rivani worried something dire had taken place.Or maybe he wished to lecture her about the forwardness of the gift of her bloodied linens.
“Of course, Baró.”She wiped her hands on her skirt and tilted her head, bracing herself while she awaited whatever revelation he might have.“Is something wrong?”
“No, not wrong.I think too much when alone,” he admitted, “and I have been thinking a great deal since we visited your horse.”He added, “And I missed you.”
“I missed you too, Baró.”His confessions made her face split into a delighted grin.“I miss you every time you go.”She slid her hands down the fur from elbows to hands, catching his fingers with hers.“Is that what you had to say?”
“No — I...”He hesitated.“I fear you will find me absurd.”
“Never!You are the Fir’Darl.If a god speaks it, no one would dare think it so.What is it?”
He paused for a long moment as if debating and then lowered himself to his knee.He angled his face up at her, but only a little because he was still so tall.Thinking better of it, he got down on both.Low enough now that he could look up at her, he released her hands and bowed his head in an attitude of total submission.
Rivani’s face cycled through concern, then confusion, and then dismay.
“Baró, please.”Her tone was one of discomfort, trying to encourage him to cease the display.“This looks wrong.Whatever this is, this isn’t necessary.You’re a god.Gods don’t kneel to me.”
“It is to me.Please.”He took a deep breath before continuing.“When you first arrived, I only thought of what you represented — a diversion from my isolation.Your time here was not of your choice and because of it, I deserved nothing but your scorn and hatred.In my expectations of you, I expected your resentment above all.Yet you treated me as if I might be worthy of kindness.”
He did not look at her.His head bowed a little lower.
“You have been patient with me.You have supported and encouraged what meager improvement I have managed.Daily, I yearn more for your approval.You have given purpose to my useless life and meaning to my days and I am grateful that you have chosen to think more of me than I deserve.”
He bent down, this time not with his head but with his full torso, putting his palm to the floor for stability.He reached out with his free hand and grasped the hem of her skirt.He brought it to his mouth and kissed it.
“At the pond, I called myself ‘your beast’ and with every hour of my absence from your side, I recognized the truth of those words.I need you to know that, no matter what happens to me, no matter where you may wander, and no matter how you feel,” he took a deep breath, “I am yours.”
He released her skirt and sat back on his heels, closing his eyes.
“Oh, Baró.”She placed her hands on his cheeks and tilted his face upwards.She stared into his eyes.“If I have shown you so much, then I am grateful too.”She broke contact and knelt, more comfortable to look up at him rather than down.She let one of her hands leave his face to find his hand and clasped it.“Your improvement has been of your own making, and though you have told me terrible things of the man you were — some of which I still have cause to disbelieve — the version of you that I know now has not a heart so cruel.I am proud of you.”
Baró made a breathy, unintelligible sound like he had fallen and had his breath stolen from him, nothing so commonplace or familiar as a gasp.A shudder accompanied the sound, traveling through his chest, making him move back.He turned his eyes to the ground again, furrowed his brow, and bit his lip.
“Baró?”Rivani worried that she might have upset him somehow and moved her other hand from his face, replacing it on his arm.
“I am sorry,” he managed after a moment, trying to collect himself and produce intelligible words.He turned his face in profile.“If I possessed the ability to produce tears, I know that I should be overcome with them.”
