Page 33 of Thief of Roses
“I took my place among my family, achieving the honors and milestones they mandated, playing my part with indifference, learning ruthlessness and violence and cruelty alongside the mundane lessons of riding and falconry.I was not beloved by my family and I do not believe love existed at all within it.
“My brother held the place of honor and I, restricted by circumstances beyond my control, had been given the obligation to follow and support him and my father without question.Out of my weakness, my lack of personal responsibility and accountability, my failure to deviate from their course even when I objected, I embraced my family’s way of life like a zealot.Perhaps I believed, as I look back on it, that if I modeled myself like them, emulated them, I too would be lauded.Even when my actions did not achieve such ends, to my shame, I tried all the harder.I participated in the military campaigns of my family, laid waste to enemy villages and farms, and took lives without compunction, foolish enough to imagine my barbarity would result in the smallest regard from those closest to me.
“I cannot confess to having finer sensibilities than my actions would illustrate.I cannot claim a nobler purpose.In some campaigns, we persecuted the Rivani, and although I joined it on behalf of my family, my actions were my own.Together, we drove the Rivani caravans from the forests, from the country, eradicating their presence wherever we could find them.I have the small solace of knowing that I did not engage in their physical harm, but I am still culpable.I may not have possessed the regard of my family, but I had enough position and influence that, if I had not been so weak, it might have been put to purpose if I had spoken out against such actions.”
“The Great Persecution was only successful because so many were willing to participate.So many Rivani lost their lives,” Rivani said.Her throat tightened.
“I contributed,” Baró said, shamed but without trying to soften his complicity.“I was a participant, more from passivity than fervor, yet driven to harm others because of my own feelings of inadequacy.I could say that I never had any personal argument with the Rivani, that my actions were performed from instilled fear of magic and the delusion that I somehow protected the people of my family’s lands, but what matter if such excuses are true or not when my actions were just as devastating as any other?The Rivani we drove out were people of all lands, and of our lands too, that I failed to protect.Through my contributions, I have injured the Rivani in innumerable and unforgivable ways.”
Rivani sat still, absorbing his confession.
“I expected something of cruelty, only I did not envision the circumstances,” she said at last.Baró kept his gaze averted.“You have never used slurs, have never behaved towards me as if you held those prejudices that had caused the Persecution.I thought perhaps that you might be of Rivan blood yourself.”
He glanced over to her momentarily.
“That wasn’t all I did.”
“What else?”she whispered.
“I did not always drive the Rivani away as I had been expected to.I gave them safe passage and sanctuary when and where I was able, and tried to find a more merciful method to send them away than through the horrors of the campaigns.I do not regard this as a noble act.I had been conditioned to hate that which was different, and if I possessed any feeling for the Rivani, it was curiosity.
“I had a Rivan camp settled on my lands when I received an extended visit from my brother.Although I did not feel warmly towards him, I still deferred to him as my father’s future successor, knowing I was in his power as much as my father’s.It behooved me to court favor with him and I confessed to him my subterfuge with the Rivani, knowing that, as he would be staying with me, he would learn.Rather than incur his ire, he expressed interest.Although I kept away from the camps, out of a sense of plausible deniability — if I did not see it, I could not be expected to know about it — and my own misgivings that I may feel even more repulsion about my contributions, my brother made frequent trips for observation.
“Although I was not given much to vice, when in the company of my brother or peers I did intemperately imbibe.I had been awakened one morning after a night of, to my memory, relaxed revelry only to discover that my brother had come to find me after I had wandered out in the night.I had never been one of violence when into my cups, but I found myself in the forest in a scene of carnage and savagery, covered in blood.The victim had been a young Rivan girl and I could only imagine what I had done to have caused the horrific scene.It was evident that she had been....”Baró faltered before taking a deep breath and continuing his story.“She had been violated.I had violated her,” he revealed at last.“I had never harmed a woman, never even touched a woman who was not amenable.To discover that I had become capable of so much depravity —” He broke off, choked up by his own horrific recollections.
“My brother, contrary to condemning me for such actions, congratulated and teased that he finally saw the family resemblance.He had never been the gentle sort with lovers and had committed several acts that I found appalling.This newfound capacity for mindless cruelty and heartless pleasure in the destruction and pain of others was shameful.I do not believe that any drug or ale will make a creature act contrary to its own nature.The discovery of my capabilities and actions haunted me afterward, drove me to spend days on my knees in a chapel praying to a god who would never hear one so loathsome, and contemplating how to end my existence.And the Rivani found me before I could act upon my inclinations.”
Rivani paled and herhands trembled.She did not know what to feel.He had been wise to ask her to sit at a distance from him.She would have had to withdraw.She could not find the strength in her legs to move.Her chest ached like she had fallen and had the air stolen from her.He had to have been the Fir’Darl.He had to be.And she shuddered as she regarded him.How could she ever have touched him?And with fondness?Her belly roiled.Nothing about this creature suggested kindness or gentility.Nothing about this monster could be considered comforting or restful.Predatory, vile, and hideous, he made her shudder.Her hands felt filthy for having ever made contact with him.She insulted herself a thousand times over for imagining that he was ever anything more than a loathsome, vicious monster.
The monster who sat on the same bench remained quiet.He did not look at her, keeping his eyes directed toward the floor.He kept still.
What did she do?Did she get up and leave?Did she tell him to go?Could she muster enough wherewithal to verbalize her desires?Her voice quavered when she managed to find it.
“I need you to leave.”She kept her focus away from him, feeling a storm brewing inside her.“I need to think.I need you to go away from me.Now.”
He shifted and directed his attention at her, but he did not do anything stupid, like ask why or try to defend himself.He stood in silence and traversed the long side of the table to stay away from her.When he got to the doorway, he bowed low.
“Thou art mystress here.”
