Page 52 of The Next Of Us
“I’m not sure it’ll make much difference,” Daire interjected softly.“I think there are bigger issues at play.”
“Like what?”
He tipped his head to the side.“When I started making moves to leave the classroom, I felt like I was leaving the trenches, abandoning my post.”
“I remember,” Harley murmured.“You had a tough time with it.”
A faraway look glossed over his eyes.“My whole purpose in becoming a teacher was to give kids a positive start.Moving into administration seemed like a betrayal of that ideal.It took a while for me to accept that it was okay for things to evolve.It was okay to change my path when my path no longer lined up with my needs.It took time to accept that my needs were also important.”
“I think that’s pretty standard when your work demands service to others,” Harley added, then looked pointedly at me.“Like motherhood.”
I snorted my agreement and pressed the pads of my fingers against my swollen eyes.
“The only thing you can do,” Harley continued, “is make the best decision you can for you while still putting your marriage first.”
“Even if he isn’t?”
Harley tucked herself tighter into Daire’s side.“In the best marriages, both people give 100%.But nobody can give 100% all the time.This may be one of those times.”
After another wine cooler, Harley set me up in the guest room where I lay down and stared at the ceiling until the early hours of the morning.
Within two years, my children moved out, my father got sick and passed away, and I lost my mother.My relationship with both of my parents was solid, but it had taken time to get there.We wasted so much of it.
Another loss I came to terms with after their death.
And at the same time, my nest emptied, my ovaries shut down, and my purpose wavered like summer heatwaves over black asphalt.
I hadn’t, not once, given myself space to absorb it all.
It was a tsunami of loss whipped ever higher by a storm of hormones.And after years of my children needing me, I was suddenly obsolete.
Of course, I was reeling.
Turning to my side, I cuddled the pillow close.I missed my husband.I missed his warmth, his solid, steady, presence.The sound of his heartbeat under my ear, the feel of his hand in my hair.
Perhaps, it was simply time to change my focus.
Aaron needed me.Whatever he chose for himself, he would need my support.
If he wanted to change, he had to make that decision for himself.
If I wanted to change, I had to take responsibility for myself.
I would always choose us.
But now, for the first time since my teens, I also chose myself.
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Fileted
Aaron
By 5:00 AM I couldn’t pretend to sleep any longer.The bed was cold and far too big without Nadine curled against my side.Was this how she felt the night I slept on the couch?
The idea left me cold.I’d never do that to her again.
Over all our years together, we’d barely spent a handful of nights apart other than the occasional business trip or training program.Last night was an anomaly I never wanted to repeat.
