Page 31 of The Next Of Us
11
Outgrown
Nadine
The bottom fell out of my stomach.“What?”I gasped, shaking my head as if I may have misheard.
“This is not the life I want anymore.”Now that he’d said it, his voice was stronger.“It’s like I outgrew it or maybe it outgrew me.”
Anger flared unusually hot and fast.“Well, what kind of life do you want if you’ve outgrown the one we have?Does this new life include me?”I snapped.
He winced.“Of course it includes you.”Blowing out a breath, he added, “I’m not unaware I’m handling this badly.”
I gripped my hands together in a doubled fist.This was too much loss in too short a time.Both of my parents passing, my children all but moved out, my body changing in ways I never imagined, and now my husband outgrew our life?
My hands went limp in my lap.“I don’t know what you want me to say.I’m,” I huffed out a hollow laugh and shook my head, “at a complete loss.”
“I know.I’m sorry.Can we just take some time?Figure out what we both want going forward?”
Swallowing my panic, I asked, “Alone or separately?”
“Both.I want you to figure out what you want for yourself while I do the same.And I want us then to figure out how to do that together.”
“I don’t understand what’s going on here…are you moving out?”
“God, no!Dini, I’m not leaving you.I pray to God you don’t want to leave me.I just need something…other…”
“Other,” I answered hollowly.
Other than what I’d poured my whole heart and soul into for the past two and a half decades?Other than that?
He was asking for answers to questions I’d never asked.
Was he so very unhappy?
Reaching across the console, he separated my hands and pulled my palm to his thigh.“We’re still young.I want to move into the next phase of our lives with a plan, not drift mindlessly with no conscious thought for what we want next.”
“I want what we had,” I admitted.“I just want to go back.I didn’t enjoy it enough and now it’s over.”
He covered my hand with his.“You made us a beautiful home.Think of the Christmases we had, the family vacations, recitals and baseball tournaments.Think about how much we laughed between the chaos.There was so much good.”
“It went by so fast.And I didn’t appreciate it when we had it.”
“It flew by,” he agreed.“Is there anyone who enjoys all of it?I don’t know a single parent who enjoys sleepless nights and ear infections or forgotten school projects and the angst of adolescence.People love their kids; they don’t always love being a parent.”
The snow-capped trees blended into a solid wall of crystallized pine as we zipped along the highway.Heat poured from the vents, by turns too hot or too cold.And the radio was pitched so low it was nothing more than an irritating hum.I punched the button to turn it off.“Everything is changing.”
“I know.Think about it, though.When we’re young, we are constantly prodded to think about what we want to do next.”His voice rose and he spoke faster.“What sport do you want to play this summer?What camp do you want to go to?What courses do you want to take in high school?What university do you want to go to?What do you want to study?How do you want to spend your time?What do you want tobe?”
His chest expanded and he exhaled slowly before continuing.“And then, at some point, all of those questions become answers for someone else.As if you reach a certain age and you’re expected to continue the path forged by the answers you gave five, ten, twenty years ago.No one asks us what we want to do next, how we want to spend the rest of our time.And we don’t stop to ask ourselves.”
Tugging on my hand, he called, “Nadine,” then waited for me to give him my attention.“I want us to ask ourselves what we want next.”
I turned my attention back to the windshield.When was the last time I asked myself what I wanted?I supposed I could count going to work with Carlos?I scrunched my nose.Gardening wasn’t really my thing.I just needed to do something other than sit by myself in an empty house.
Would I still be repotting plants in five years?The probability scared me.“Okay.”
“Okay?Tell me what ‘okay’ means.Is it like ‘fine’?”
