Page 135 of When It's Us
She jerks back a little like the words are a physical slap. When I get the balls to look at her, her expression is unreadable. I’d expected anger. Hurt. But she shakes her head.
“That’s bullshit.”
I shake my head, look down at my hands, bandaged and shaking. “I’ve been single so long I don’t even knowhowto be in a relationship.” A bitter laugh claws its way up my throat. “I fuck around. I get bored easily. I’m not good for you. Or anyone. Especially not long-term. I’m not cut out for this shit.”
“Thisshit?” she echoes, sliding off my lap to stand. Her next words cut deep. “I knew you were scared,” she folds her arms tight over her chest, “but I didn’t know you thought what we’ve been doing is shit.”
I cross my arms too, but it’s more of a shield than anything. An effort to keep myself from cracking wide open and leaking out all over her feet, I sigh, regret twisting my gut.
“That’s not—fuck.” I scrub a hand down my face. “I didn’t meanthiswas shit, just…the situation.Me,” I mutter.
I say the wrong thing. Idothe wrong shit. It’s just who I am.
I look up at her. Really look at her. I can see her heart breaking right in front of me, and it fucking guts me.
But shackling her to me would be worse. I’m not worth it.
“You think I don’t know?” I whisper. “I can’t even get out of my own head long enough to see how badly I’ve already fucked this up. For you.”
She opens her mouth, but I don’t stop. I can’t. If I stop, I’ll choke on it.
“And you want me to be someone’s stepdad? Someone’s future? I can’t even be my own damn person.”
Devastation twists her face. “I know you never expected your life to look like this—a single mom and two kids—but—"
“I don’t commit, and I like it that way.” My voice shakes as I interrupt her. I almost can’t get the words out.
She flinches like she doesn’t believe me. But I do, and I have to make her see it. Ihaveto.
“You deserve someone who can give you all the things you want. Someone who’ll be there. For Tate. For Jordan. Someone solid. Someone who’ll show up.” I shake my head again, this time slower. “Not some selfish asshole who’ll choose himself every time.”
Her lips part like she’ll argue with me. And for a split second, I hope that she does. I want her to argue with me, fight me, and tell me I’m wrong.
And then she does.
“You mean how to take care of their mom when she has a migraine?” She tilts her head, tears welling up in her beautiful blueeyes. “Or how to be brave when they get a giant splinter in their foot?”
My gut twists.
“Or when you show up with takeout when they haven’t had dinner and I’m too sick to cook?”
Each word lands like a blow to the ribs. Every example is a memory I can’t escape.
I shake my head and swallow hard. “Those are things any man could teach them, Ginger. I’m a shit role model when it comes to things that matter. I’m no one’s stepdad.”
Her eyes shine with unshed tears, but she doesn’t let them fall. Because she’s strong. Way stronger than I’ll ever be.
“Hutch, don’t do this,” she pleads, hands trembling. “You’rebetter than this.We’rebetter than this.”
Those boys—” I press my lips together, trying like hell to get the words out. “They deserve someone who can teach them to be stable. Reliable. Decent men.” I breathe through the ache in my chest. “And that’s just not me.”
She freezes for a second, like the words knock the wind out of her. I can see her pulling back, the way she always does. But this time, she doesn’t.
Her voice shakes, but she lifts her chin. “No. Don’t you dare do that. Don’t you sit there and act like you’re doing this foruswhen really you’re just scared. You’ve been showing up, day after day, for them. For me. You think that doesn’t count? You think they haven’t seen that?”
Her voice breaks, but she keeps going. “You want to quit? Fine. But don’t pretend this is about me or the boys. This is aboutyourunning.”
“I’m not running,” I mutter. “I’m just finally being honest. You and those boys deserve someone who doesn’t screw everything up the second it starts to matter.”
