Page 55 of What About Us
I squeeze her hand. I want to bring up the giant, pink elephant in the room, but I don’t want her to be mad at me again.
Turns out, I don’t have to, because after a couple more minutes of silence, she sighs and says, “Were you serious about getting married?”
Hope cracks open my chest and my eyes flick to hers. “Yes.”
She chews on her lip, brows furrowed. I want to rub the crease away, but I wait, not daring to say anything else or even move for fear that she’ll clam up. Or go straight for my eyes like a baby cougar.
“How would it work?” she asks. She begins picking at her lower lip with the hand not holding mine.
I take a deep breath, searching for words. I didn’t think she’d actually entertain the idea, let alone bring it up tonight. So, it takes me a minute to form a response.
Shifting to my side, I switch hands so she’s now holding my left hand as I face her. “Well,” I start. “It would just be temporary. I mean, until the B&B starts bringing in more. Then, when you can afford the premiums, we could just…” I trail off, hating even thinking the word ‘divorce’ in the context of us. Especially since we’ve both already been through one. Even if it would be the end to a fake marriage, it still sucks balls.
She nods and she’s not shutting me down. That’s a good sign. I want this to be her decision. She already knows I’m willing, but she has to be, too.
“Would you want to…tell people?” she asks.
I think for a moment. Would I want people to know Finnley is my wife? Fuck yes, I would…if it was real. If she was really mine, I’d scream that shit from the rooftops. But this marriage wouldn’t be real, and it would eventually end. That news would travel damn fast, especially in this small town. I think about Paige. She wouldn’t understand.
“Maybe we shouldn’t,” she says before I can respond. “It could confuse Paige.”
My heart warms. I love that we were both thinking the same thing. She gets why this would be a big deal for my daughter, especially since I haven’t been able to get Paige to understand that her mom and I will never get back together. She’s still operating under the illusion that there is hope for our family to be rebuilt.
“Ok, so, we keep it to ourselves.” I pose it as a foregone conclusion instead of a question. “Maybe we go to Livingston? Get married at the courthouse, so no one from here knows?” That part I do pose as a question, and she nods. Something flits across her expression. “What?”
“I don’t know… The courthouse?” She grimaces. “It seems kind of…generic.” Her eyes dart to mine. “I mean, I know it’s not, like, a real marriage, but…”
I feel the same way, but I’m not sure what else to do.
“But maybe that’s the best option, because I absolutely don’t want anyone finding out I’m marrying you.”
“You really know how to stroke a guy’s ego, don’t you?” I say, feigning a wounded chuckle.
“Shut up, you know what I mean.” She laughs lightly. “Timber Forge is not exactly known for discretion.”
I nod in agreement. “That’s what I was thinking, too.”
She huffs out a breath and finally turns on her side to face me. She looks genuinely worried when she says, “I get that this helps me, but I’m still trying to figure out why you would do this. What’s in it for you?”
God, I wish I could tell her the truth. I wish I could tell her how badly it killed me to give her away at her first wedding, or how I wished it was me instead of that Badger Boleslaus. Dickwad. Who even names their kid that, anyway? I wish I could tell her I’ve loved her since I was seventeen, and how I’ll marry her now because I love her still.
But I can’t. She’s my best friend, and if she’s spooked by a fake marriage to get her decent insurance, I can’t imagine how she’ll react to this secret I’ve kept from her all these years. Sure, I married Tristen—even loved her in my own way—but it was never like this. Finn and I have a special relationship, one that doesn’t come along every day. And if someone’s lucky enough to find that, they don’t fuck it up when the other party isn’t interested. And Finn isn’t.
So, I tell her most of what I would say if I could be completely honest without the consequences of the full truth.
“You’re my best friend, Jameson. You’re amazing with Paige. And, honestly, I don’t know how much of the last two years I could have made it through without you. I owe you big time for pulling me out of my bullshit when Tristen left, and again for holding me together when Paige got sick.”
A single tear leaks from her eye and drops onto her pillow, spreading a dark stain over the light gray fabric. I want to reach for her, but I’m afraid if I do, I’ll confess everything, and she’ll put a stop to this before she has what she needs. Maybe keeping my feelings from her makes me an asshole, but I can’t lose her.
“I know you don’t see it as the same because it doesn’t cost you anything to help me, but those things mean more to me than any amount of money. And if you don’t get what you need, I could lose you. And I can’t do that. I won’t survive it.”
Her chin quivers and two more tears slide down her temple and onto her pillow. She squeezes my hand, and her voice comes out breathy with emotion when she whispers, “Ok.”
My eyebrows almost disappear into my hairline. “Ok?”
She swallows and rolls her lips together before nodding. “I’m saying yes.”
It feels strange, her agreeing to this. It’s an odd mix of relief that she’ll finally get the meds she needs, and excitement tinged with disappointmentbecause this isn’t a real marriage. There wasn’t a beautiful thought-out proposal, and she deserves that. But I can’t be disappointed for too long, because she’ll be well. And that’s all that matters.
