Page 139 of What About Us
His jaw ticks and he takes a deep, pained breath. “That’s not what I meant.” When he meets my gaze again, he shakes his head, remorse filling his eyes. “I panicked. Just give me a little bit,” he pleads. “I’ll fix it, I promise. I swear to God, I’ll fix it, baby. I’m so fucking sorry for making you think that what we have isn’t real. It is. It’s everything. Paige doesn’t understand what my marriage to Tristen was like—the shit that woman put me through. She may never understand it. She still thinks there’s a chance we could get back together. She needs to know it’s not happening, but I have to be careful with her. She’s only six, Finnley.”
He’s right. Paige is so young, and it crushed her when her mom left the first time. All the more reason to protect her from another breakup when this doesn’t work.
I shake my head. “You’re right. We might be married, but it was never supposed to be real. It was supposed to be temporary. So, that’s what we should be.” The words stick in my throat, but I manage to squeak them out.
Hudson fists his hair in one hand, then drops it to his side. “First of all,youare my real wife.You. You may not have a fucking ring on your finger yet, but you are my wife. I yelled that shit for the entire town to hear at Roxy’s. Or have you forgotten? You are my wife.Not Tristen.And yes, she’s Paige’s mother, but Finn, fuck. You’ve been more of a mother to that little girl in the last few months than that woman has been her entire life.”
I can love Paige as his best friend without taking a wrecking ball to her life any more than I already have. I can be there for her just like I alwayshave. We don’t need to be together for me to love her. I cling to that. Paige is who matters here, not my feelings or Hudson’s.
“And this is hurting her. It’s hurting Paige, Huddy. She’s always been your top priority, and right now, she is hurting. You just said that she wants you two back together. I’m just the one standing in the way of that. I can’t do that to her. I love her too much."
“You’re not doing anything to her, Finn. There’s no shot Tristen and I are getting back together. You have to know that. She came back and fucked everything up. We were fine until she showed up and we’ll be fine when she’s gone. Paige will get there. She loves you, too.”
I shake my head. Maybe I’m a coward, maybe I’m just terrified of being alone, but even if it’s not Tristen, something is going to come between us someday, and I can’t risk that. He says he won’t survive it if I get sick and he loses me, but I won’t survive it if something happens between us and our friendship is lost because of it. He’s too much a part of my life to let that happen.
“But it’snotreal, Huddy. We’re only married because of my damned diabetes.” Even as I say the words, I know they’re a lie. Of course, they are. And yet…
“No. Fuck that. What we have, what we’ve been doing these past few weeks is more real than anything I’ve ever done. More real than anything I ever had with Tristen. Tell me you don’t feel it, too.”
“Of course, I do.” My voice cracks. “I love you… We’ve had fun, a lot of laughs, and yes, we have amazing sex, but—”
“This was never just about sex for me. You’re fucking it for me, Finnley.”
“And what happens when it’s over?” I ask, silent tears still leaking from my eyes. “What happens when things get hard and we can’t figure shit out? We’ll end up divorced, and then we’ve ruined that little girl in there and our friendship in the process. I can’t risk that.”
“You’re just scared,” he says heatedly.
“Yes!” I shout. “I’m scared. I’m scared of losing everything. I’d rather be your friend than risk not having you in my life.”
A muscle in his jaw ticks. “You keep looking for reasons why you think this can’t work, but you need to start looking for reasons why it can; why itwill. I can’t go back. I won’t. I can’t just be your friend anymore.”
“You have to,” I say quietly.
He laughs then, the tone and his expression incredulous, and his chest heaves once. “You’re not even going to fight for us?” He shakes his head and looks around, then drags his hand down his face.
“Thisisme fighting for us. For our friendship. And for Paige.” It kills me to say it, but this is the way it has to be.
“You’re running,” he says, quiet frustration in his tone. “I don’t understand why.”
I don’t give him another reason. All I can do is hope that he understands one day, and it doesn’t do more damage to our friendship than we already have.
“I have to go,” I whisper, looking up into those stormy hazel eyes I’ve come to love so much. “Please let me go.”
He’s got more to say. It’s written all over his face. “Don’t shut me out, Finn.”
“I just need space, ok? You have to figure things out with Tristen. I need time to—” I break off with a sigh.
“How much space? How much time?” His voice is desperate.
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “I’ll call you, ok?”
He swallows hard but says nothing. I take his silence as agreement. Then, I use the one thing that I know will make him acquiesce. “Go be with Paige. She needs her dad.”
“Fuck.” He drops my hand and steps back, his hands hanging at his sides.
Pulling open the door on the Volvo, I slip inside and turn over the ignition. I fight the urge to turn and look at him before backing out of thegarage. Once I’m out of the driveway, I pull away from the house and head toward Timber Haven. I don’t look back.
Chapter 51
