Page 137 of What About Us
“This. Us.” I swipe at the tears that won’t stop. “I can’t—"
“Just slow down,” he says softly, stroking my hair. “Baby, just breathe.” The tender way he says it rips my heart in two.
“Stop calling me that! You’re my best friend and I can’t lose you. You have to stop treating me like this is more than it is."
“What are you talking about?”
“This was only ever supposed to be sex, and you…” I trail off, shaking my head. “Tristen said you’ve been with a lot of women, and that’s fine.Really, it is, because you’re a single guy and it was before me, but I can’t be just another woman, and we can’t be more. It’s too messy.”
“You could never be just another woman. Don’t you know that by now?” He runs a hand through his hair, making it stand up in spots. “She’s trying to hurt you. Tristen doesn’t know shit about my life, Finn. Even when she was in it, she didn’t.”
I hear him, I do. And he’s right, the women that came before me don’t matter. But everything else does.
“Did you pay for my mama’s cremation? And tell me the truth this time.” I swipe at my eyes and search his face, willing him to say no, willing him to reassure me that he would never lie to me about something so big.
But he doesn’t. His shoulders slump, his eyes dim, and his body deflates before he nods. “Yes, I did, but—”
My eyes close against the pain of the look on his face, the pain I feel, knowing he’s been keeping this from me foryears. My heart feels shredded. He kept the cremation from me, and he didn’t defend me in front of Tristen. God, this is a mess. I latch onto that, knowing I have to smash through this fake marriage with something of sledgehammer caliber, or I won’t be standing when this is over.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly, his eyes taking on a tortured expression.
I shake my head and shove at his chest, but he holds me easily. “You keep saying that, Hudson, but you know how I feel about this stuff. You know how I feel, and you keep doing it, anyway.”
A muscle in his jaw ticks. “You needed help, Finn. You needed someone to help you, and I can’tnothelp you. I won’t.”
“Even when it hurts me? Even if you have to lie about it? Why? Why would you do that?” I cry out. My heart twists, knowing he did something so fucking selfless, something that needed to be done. For me and for my mama. I love him for it, while hating myself for using it against him to break us.
He sounds hysterical, anger pushing in and amplifying his voice in the cavernous garage. “Because I fucking love you, Finnley! I’ve loved you since I was seventeen years old. I’ve tried to tell myself it wasn’t true, that we were just good friends. I even married someone I knew I couldn’t love back, trying to force myself to stop. But I can’t. I can’t stop loving you, it’s who I am. Loving you, helping you, it’s like breathing. I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to.”
His words are everything I’ve ever wanted to hear from someone. But they’re immediately swallowed up in the avalanche of hurt I feel when I think about the inevitability of this ending; the inevitability that eventually everyone leaves. Add in his keeping things from me, and the probability of this ever working out feels less than slim. The thought turns my stomach.
Tristen’s words echo in my mind.Hudson’s always liked having a project. It makes him feel useful. You’ve always been his little charity case.
“You don’t love me. I’ve just always been a mess and you’ve been there picking up the pieces since we were kids, even when I don’t ask you to. That’s not love. That’s pity.”
Hurt blooms across his features but is quickly meshed with anger. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“Did you tell her about us?” I sob.
He shakes his head, confusion swimming in his eyes. “What? Who?”
“Tristen. Did you tell her we slept together?”
“No.” His nod is resolute. “Why the fuck would I tell her anything about us?”
Another wave of nausea swarms me when I realize it wasn’t Hudson that told her we were sleeping together. It wasme.
Chapter 50
Finnley
If I had justkept my mouth shut for two more minutes, none of this would be happening. I just had to take her down a notch and, in the process, it feels like my heart is being forcibly ripped from my chest. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I’m strong enough to walk away from him. But I have to.
“I have to get out of here. I can’t do this anymore. We have to stop.” It comes out hysterical, and if I don’t get out of here right now, I may hyperventilate.
He shakes his head once and closes his eyes before staring down at me. “Why? Because of Tristen? You think she matters to me? The woman who can’t even call her daughter on her birthday?”
“Yes. No.Fuck,” I sob. “I don’t know.” Tears pour out of me and my throat is raw. It’s too much. This was only supposed to be fun. Temporary. “It was just— You didn’t marry me because you love me, you— It’s notreal.”
