Page 135 of What About Us
“Because he loves you, huh?”
A sob gets caught in my throat and it takes everything to keep it inside. All I can do is nod.
“And you love my daddy, too?”
I can’t keep the tears from falling. “I love your daddy very much, yes.”
“I’m glad my daddy married you, then,” she says. “I’m glad he helped you, so you aren’t sick.” Said so simply from the mouth of a six-year-old, who has no concept of what those words do to my heart.
I can only force a smile as my mind spins with questions and doubt. Even after Paige’s declaration that she’s ok with us being married.
What if Tristen is right? What if I am really just a project to Hudson? I recall all the times he’s helped me financially, and all the times he’s tried to,but I haven’t let him. What about all the times I called him when my life was falling apart and I couldn’t function? What if our friendship really is built on his desire to feel needed and mine to feel rescued?
I swallow around the lump in my throat. What does my life look like if he goes back to Tristen? Back to New York? There would be no reason for me to have dinner with his family, no reason to celebrate birthdays or be at family functions. Or worse, if she were to move here? What if Hudson takes her back on the stipulation that she move to Timber Forge? It’s far-fetched, at best, but a month ago, the idea of me sleeping with and falling in love with Hudson was, too.
How would it feel knowing they are all together at the ranch? Would he endure a life of unhappiness with Tristen if it meant that Paige could have both her mom and her dad? What if Paige’s happiness and having her family back together means more to Hudson than I do? What happens if he realizes what Paige wants is more important than what we have?
As hurt as I am over the things Tristen said to me, I’m numb to that now. What has my throat clogged with emotion that I can’t swallow over are Hudson’s words.
It’s nothing like your mom and me.
It’s those seven words, spoken so honestly by the man who is quite possibly the greatest love of my life, that tell me one glaringly obvious thing: Hudson and I will never work. How could we, when our marriage started out as a lie? And if what Tristen says is true about the money, can I forgive him? Will I ever forget?
The fact remains, no matter how I feel, none of this was meant to be real. Hudson said as much to Paige, and his ability to dismiss me so quickly downstairs speaks volumes. We never should have started this. I desperately want to go back to the way things were before, but I don’t know if that’s even possible. Not after having him in the most intimate ways. Not after everything he’s become to me.
The skin on my neck feels clammy and prickles with nausea, and emotion builds once again at the base of my throat. My chest feels tight, and I wonder if I’m on the verge of a panic attack. I’ve never had one before, but I’m lightheaded and the pounding of blood in my ears is a palpable thing.
What about Timber Haven? Tristen notwithstanding, I can’t afford to run things on my own. I can’t get a loan to pay Hudson back or buy him out. Not yet, anyway. The business is too new. Would I have to sell it? My mind jumps from scenario to scenario, each one worse than the next. I could borrow the money from Wren, but she’s got two babies on the way and my problems are not hers.
Also, my diabetes is the least of my worries right now, but it’s the whole reason we did this. If this ruins our friendship, I can kiss my insurance goodbye. I’ll be right back where I started, and for what? We’ve started this beautiful thing together just to have it tarnished.
I reach up and clasp the necklace around my neck, squeezing my eyes shut against the tears that want to fall as another thought hits me and I can’t catch my breath. What if Hudson doesn’t go back to Tristen and we stay together, but Paige hates me because of it? What if she never forgives me for what we did, for keeping her mom and dad apart? She’ll always love Hudson, but me? I’m just the woman coming between her parents.
Another thought plows through my mind and it’s like a riptide I can’t get out from under: can I really withstand Tristen’s fury and hatred for the rest of my life if he chooses us—chooses me—over her? She'll never be fully out of our lives, so long as Paige is their daughter. Will she try and turn Paige against me, or against Hudson? The thought makes me sick and cements what I already know and have from the beginning: this was a bad idea. It was reckless and stupid. I fell in love with my best friend knowing it would eventually end and I would be alone. And I fucking did it anyway. I have no one to blame but myself.
The longer I sit here on this floor, the more anxious I get. Thinking I just need a minute to myself, I climb to my feet.
“I need to use the bathroom, ok, Paige? Stay here until I come back, or your daddy comes, ok?”
“Ok,” she nods, but her attention is on her dolls.
Just as I’m about to open the door, her words stop me. “Don’t be sad, ok?”
When I turn back to her, I plaster a smile on my face. But her next words gut me.
“You can still be married to Daddy even if he’s with my mommy. Maybe you can move into the new house with us so you’re not lonely. I can share my bedroom with you.”
I love this little girl so much. In her young mind, the two of us sharing her bedroom, with me still married to her dad, while he sleeps just down the hall in the same bed as Tristen, seems plausible. Ideal, even. I fight the tears falling as hard as I can, but it’s no use, I can hear the sound of my ragged breathing as I try to suck back a lungful of air.
I have to leave.I can’t do this.
Unable to stand it anymore, I close Paige’s door behind me. I’m two steps away from the solitude of my room when Tristen’s voice floats up the stairs.
“Why are you back here, Hudson? Playing house with the poor, little orphan girl? Fuckingmarriedto her.Screwingher? What the fuck are you thinking?” she hisses.
“Christ, Tristen. What I do with my life is none of your goddamn business, and keep your fucking voice down.”
She laughs humorlessly. “Let me guess, she finally let you get your dick wet and now you’re all brainwashed into thinking this is what you want? That must be some grade A Podunk pussy.”
