Page 97 of Final Installment
“I’m not the one you need to ask permission.The Chinese government is pretty strict about their visas.”I frowned.“I don’t think I can help much.I don’t know anything about Albanian passports and visa programs.”
“I’ll figure it out.”He didn’t seem bothered.“If I have to, I’ll get a visa for somewhere nearby and come to visit whenever you’ll let me.”
He made it sound so easy, and I wanted to believe him.He was making it very clear that he saw a future with me.He’d given up his birthright for us.He’d come halfway around the world for me.He was willing to live like a nomad so he could be close to me.
Realizing I owed him the truth, all of it, before he committed, I purposely faced the water and reached for my bar of soap.As I lathered it between my hands, I said, “Luka, I need to tell you something.”
“I’m listening.”
“Do you remember what Kristo said after he stabbed me?”
Luka made a furious sound behind me, huffing like a dragon.“I really don’t want to talk about him.”
“I don’t either, but he said something we have to address.”
“Elona.”He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.“I don’t need to know.Your past is your own.You don’t owe me any explanations.”
“I know.”I covered his hand with mine.“But I want to tell you.I want it all out in the open before things get really serious.”
He gave my shoulder an encouraging squeeze.“I’m listening.”
I let my hand drop from his and began to methodically soap my body.I couldn’t risk looking at him, couldn’t stand the idea that his expression might turn to one of disgust or disappointment.
Eyes on my own body, I said, “I wasn’t a lonely kid.I wasn’t bullied.I had friends.I was good at school.I was even better at softball.I wasn’t the kind of girl you’d expect a predator to target, but for some reason, he did.”
I washed my breasts and belly and tried not to let too many of those memories resurface.“It was innocent stuff at first.Praising me.Asking me to stay late to practice.Giving me a ride home.Then he started telling me things about his wife, about how she didn’t understand him the way I did.I was young and dumb.I believed I was special, that I was so mature for my age, that I was so special.I believed everything he told me.”
“Elona.”He gently grasped my waist and kissed the side of my head.“I’m so sorry.”
“The sex part of it was weird to me,” I admitted, still unable to meet his gaze.“I wouldn’t realize until years later that he just wasn’t any good at it.Maybe that’s why he picked younger girls to abuse.Maybe he could fool himself that he was some super alpha sex god instead of a fat loser.”
I thought about the first time I’d had sex as an adult.It had been with my second college boyfriend, Ross.He’d been so patient, so tender with me.He’d shown me how much fun sex could be and how good it could feed.Our relationship didn’t work out for logistical reasons, mostly that he wanted to go back to Toronto and build a life there near his family, but he’d given me something so precious.He’d helped me discover that all the awful things that had happened to me as a teenager didn’t have to define me as an adult.
“I didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was very far along,” I confessed in a rush.This was the part that I rarely ever told anyone.“I didn’t know it then, but I have PCOS.It's, like, this hormonal thing.It makes it hard for me to control my weight and causes problems with my periods if I’m not on medication.”
“I know what it is,” Luka said, surprising me.“Rina has it.She was diagnosed when she was a teenager.I had to learn about it so I could make sure she was getting the right medical treatment.She never wanted to talk about it with me for obvious reasons.”
“I can see that,” I replied, thinking I would absolutely not want to discuss my reproductive health with my brother either.
“So that’s why you didn’t think anything strange was happening when your period was late?”Luka asked carefully.
“I didn’t want to think about it.I was fourteen.I was a baby having a baby.It was just too much.It was too real, and I wasn’t equipped to handle it.If I didn’t admit it to myself, it wasn’t real.It wasn’t happening.”
“So, how did—.”
“I started having a lot of pain and then bleeding.”I squeezed my thighs together at the horrible memory of those cramps that had dropped me to my knees on the ball field.“It happened during a softball tournament.I tried to ignore it, but then the pain was just too much.I collapsed between second and third base.Everyone was yelling, and my pants were soaked in blood.”
“Elona,” he murmured, obviously upset by the story.“That must have been terrifying for you.”
“It was, but it got so much worse at the hospital.”I could still hear my mother screaming at me.I could still feel her hands slapping at my face and her nails clawing at my neck.“My mother lost it.They had to have the police remove her from the emergency room.”
“Of course, she had to make it about herself,” Luka grumbled.
“Basically,” I agreed.“Brett stepped in and made sure I got the care I needed.”I dragged my soapy fingers along the fine scar hidden under my belly.“They tried to give me drugs so I could deliver vaginally, but everything went wrong.The placenta tore, and I was hemorrhaging.I ended up having a C-section to deliver her.”
“A girl?”
I gulped, swallowing my pain.“I never saw her.She stopped growing at five months.Brett had her cremated, and we buried her in a spot under one of his favorite trees on the ranch he owns.There’s a little bench there and flowers.It’s a peaceful spot.”
