Page 60 of Married to the Forbidden Duke
Her eyes shot open. “Pardon?”
“Consider it,” he said, his words lulling her into a strange sense of calm. “Perhaps I am not the man they would have chosen for you. But I have offered you a life that you would not otherwise have had, even if itismy fault you are in this position. I take the blame, Alice. I have been feeling it for years. And I accept that I am, and shall forever be, in the wrong. But here we are.
“Would your parentstrulywant you to wage war against me for the rest of your life? Never have the chance to do all the things other ladies get to do? I am prepared to offer youeverything, including myself. You have every part of me to wreck as you wish, but will you truly do that at the sacrifice of your ownhappiness? Wouldn’t they rather you found joy wherever you could, even if itiswith me? I’m not asking you to love me.” He paused, and she couldn’t read the expression on his face. “But don’t feel as though you did something wrong by lying with your husband.”
She opened her mouth to tell him that he was wrong, but then she thought back to her remaining memories of her parents.
They had always, before everything, wanted what was best for her. Her father flaunted convention by letting her ride her horse across the estate with no chaperone. She frequently went on walks unattended. Her mother would brush her hair for her, even when she grew into a young woman, because when she did so—one hundred brushes—they would talk about the books they had both read.
Alice had told her that one day she dreamed of marrying a man who would love her beyond reason, and her mother had met her gaze in the mirror and told her, “Find a man who loves youwithreason, my darling. That is the best path to happiness.”
Would her mother have recommended she marry Frederick? Certainly, she had thought it unreasonable at the time—but now, reflecting on it, she saw how reason had been the only thing dictating his actions.
Perhaps her family would not have recommended she marry him. But now she had, what would they want for her now?
It felt wrong to be contented as she lay in his arms, but it had been so long since she had felt contented in such a bone-deep way.
“I regret what happened that night more than you could ever know,” he muttered, brushing his knuckles over her cheekbones. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. That was not the man I wanted to be. One careless action on my part, and the worst thing imaginable occurred. I will spend the rest of my life paying for it. If I could go back in time and change it, I would.”
She saw the regret in his eyes and knew then the way she had never truly let herself believe that he truly cared. He was hurting almost as much as she was.
So she nodded. “I know,” she murmured, and let herself melt into him a little more.
Forgiveness wasn’t the act of a moment but a series of small decisions that collided in an avalanche. Today, she hadn’t forgiven him. Tomorrow, she might not have done, either. But so long as he continued to want to put things right, she would open her heart to the idea of one day moving past the resentment she held toward him.
One day at a time. One small moment at a time.
His hand slid to her bottom, squeezing it, but she wriggled free, and he immediately stopped. “I’m too sore for that,” she giggled softly. “Maybe later.”
He nodded immediately. “I should probably begin my day, too,” he chuckled, and stretched as he rolled out of bed. Alice made no pretense to herself that she wasnotwatching his naked body as he strolled to where he had tossed his clothes the night before. Then he nodded at the dresser she had ordered the servants to put between their rooms. “May I?”
She swallowed hard, then nodded. “Yes.”
“Thank you.” He bowed to her, oddly noble considering his nakedness, and moved the dresser without any seeming difficulty.
When he disappeared into his bedchamber, Alice lay back on the pillows and stared at the ceiling. Without meaning to, her lips curved into a smile.
She had finally experienced what it was to be with a man. And it had beengood. More than good.Wonderful.Incredible. He had anticipated her needs before she even knew what they were, and he had allowed her to take control even when she had been able to see him straining to break free. No matter what he had wanted, he had not abused her trust.
That counted for something.
She couldn’t wait to do it again, sooner rather than later.
Frederick had just settled in his study when the butler knocked. He glanced up at the man standing in the doorway. “Well?”
“Her Grace has called for her horse to be brought around and wondered if you might be interested in riding out with her today.” The butler paused, as though doubting her ability to ride, but settled back on his heels, his face impassive.
Frederick didn’t so much as hesitate. “Tell her I shall be along shortly, and that it would be my pleasure to ride with her.”
“Yes, Your Grace.”
He pushed the letter he was partway through writing to one side, smearing ink everywhere, and hurried upstairs to change. This was the first time she had ever requested his company. Every other time they’d spent time together, it had been because he had initiated it, or their circumstances had meant they were required to be in the same space.
Clearly, his talk with her that morning had worked.
Thinking about it sent a little spurt of guilt into his gut, but that wasn’t fair. Bringing her parents into it was perhaps not the most tactful of things to do, but if she denied herself the things she so obviously enjoyed out of misplaced dedication to peoplewho were passed and gone, surely that was the same as wasting her life.
If it were just about him, he would find a way to live with the lack of affection and intimacy. After all, a certain twisted part of him believed hedeservedto live the rest of his life miserable and alone. He had not married Alice for companionship or intimacy. In fact, he had married her not expecting any of those things.
