Page 40 of Married to the Forbidden Duke
Jenny chewed on her lip as she pondered her response. “The servants all speak well of him,” she said slowly. “By all accounts, he has been putting himself back together for the past—” She broke off, but Alice knew what she was going to say.
The past five years. Since the accident.
“I can’t forgive him,” she breathed, almost desperately. “I don’t want to.”
“Don’t you, Your Grace?”
“Of course not! He ruined my life in every respect. Even if he didn’t mean to”—she could admit that now, especially considering he had given her little choice—“that doesn’t change what happened. I’ve been so angry for so long. I can’t just let it go.”
She pressed a hand to her chest. “Everything would be easier if he was cruel and treated me badly. Then I wouldn’t feel as though I ought to be grateful to him.”
Grateful that he was slowly putting her back together.
Grateful for his patience and acceptance of the punishment she was doling out, even though she knew at least some part of him hated it.
“You are married to him,” Jenny put in after a long moment. “He has done so much to take away from your happiness. What would make you more happy now? To hold a grudge, or…” She let the words hang, and Alice closed her eyes, reaching for the tub.
Her emotions revolted. One part of her could acknowledge that he never meant to harm her, and now wanted to make it up as best he knew how.
The other part still resented him for everything that happened. That part of her hated herself for the way she enjoyed his touch. Every time she considered being with him as man and wife—the way they truly ought to be—she felt a physical reaction against it. A guilt so deep-seated, she didn’t think she could ever erase it.
What a fate, to be so bound to a man she didn’t know if she could ever bear to be with.
“Everything would be easier if I could hate him,” she murmured, the slightest break to her voice.
“I know, Your Grace.” Jenny helped her into the bath and handed her the soap. “I wish I could provide you with an answer, but there’s nothing to be done about it now but to endure.”
“I have something for you,” Frederick greeted when Alice descended the next morning. Ordinarily, after breakfast, he went about his business, but he found himself too eager to see how she reacted to wait until the afternoon or evening.
She paused, one hand on the banister as she looked at him, her expression wary. “What is it?”
“It’s a surprise.” He reached a hand out to her. “Come.”
“Will I like it?”
“I hope so. That’s the purpose of the exercise.” Taking her hand, he placed it firmly in his arm and led her through the house and through to the courtyard that spanned the rear of the property. Their stables were elsewhere, but he had the horse brought around for the purpose of his surprise.
She paused in the doorway when she beheld the mare waiting, a stable boy holding the reins. The mare was a beautiful, dappled creature with a sweet disposition but ‘a lot of go’ according to the man who sold her.
“I had some time finding a mount you might appreciate,” he declared, placing a hand at the small of her back and ushering her outside into the sunshine. “You said to Helena that you used to ride often, so I supposed you were an able horsewoman.”
“How could you know that?” she interjected. “I might be a terrible rider for all you know.”
“You could,” he agreed. “But I know you a little by now, dear wife, and I suspect you are not mediocre at anything you put your mind to.” He smiled at her. “And the fact you miss it so much tells me you used to excel.”
To his horror, her eyes brimmed with tears. “My father used to take me out riding. And I often went out by myself. We had a large estate, and so long as I remained within its bounds, he allowed me to go where I chose. That freedom was—”
He had been the one to take that away.
Before he could think better of it, he leaned in, cupping her cheek in one hand and rubbing away her tears. “I wish I could take it back,” he said fiercely. “But I hope through this, you can find some of that freedom again.”
She moved away from his touch, and he made no attempt to stop her. “London’s rules are different.”
“My grooms are at your disposal. And so am I, if you ever wish to ride with me.” He led her carefully forward, adjusting his speed to match hers. “I spoke with the physician and had a special saddle commissioned. He sees no danger in you riding, so long as you support your leg.”
She remained silent, staring up at the horse. “For me?” she whispered.
“Why don’t you name her? Perhaps that will make her feel more real.”
