Page 144 of Let It Snow
Snow runs his hand gently through my hair, then musses it up a little.
"I wasn’t that innocent."
"What? I thought Theo was your first."
Snow grimaces lightly, tilts his head back and slides an arm underneath it, staring at the ceiling.
"No. When I was sixteen, my parents wanted me to get a more formal education in music and composition, so I was taking lessons with a certain music professor at his house."
"What?! That’s even worse than with Theo! A music professor?"
Snow huffs out a laugh.
"Hey, slow down. It’s not what you’re thinking. The professor had a son exactly my age, a beta. He was musically gifted too and liked to hang out with us during lessons. We connected. Sometimes we chatted online. He was kind of withdrawn, very focused on his studies, which worked for me. He had that non-intrusive personality…"
"Basement vibe?"
Snow chuckles softly. "Well, guilty as charged. I’ve always liked the quieter type. I wouldn’t make a good match for an extrovert."
"So a beta, not an omega?"
"That’s how it turned out. For about a year our relationship was more like a friendship, but then he was getting ready to leave for college, and I knew we wouldn’t have a chance to see each other much anymore. One day he showed up at my place unexpectedly, told me his parents had gone away for the weekend. He slipped into my basement, and we spent the nightthere. He was my first. But our relationship couldn’t continue like that because his dad sent him to an elite music college on the other side of the country."
I stay quiet for a moment, feeling a bit unsure.
"Were you in love with him?"
Snow sighs. "You know, the first time always has a kind of magic, but I don’t know if I’d call it that. I definitely liked him a lot, but he didn’t have a… relationship personality, let’s say. He was scared of showing any softer emotions that could be considered a weakness. He was a neurotic perfectionist. There was no room in him for mistakes… or vulnerability."
I'm not sure what he implies.
"What do you mean?"
"Dennis was focused on his career. He wanted to make a name for himself in the music business, to be recognized as a composer. The problem was that he was good, but something was missing. He tried too hard, double-checked everything, second-guessed himself constantly. His compositions were technically correct and praised by professors, but they always said he was more of a craftsman following musicology guidelines than a free, creative artist. No spark. He was deeply unhappy, depressed, frustrated that he’d hit a glass ceiling he couldn’t break through."
"But that was after college, right?"
"Yes. We hardly ever saw each other at the time. He lived on the other side of the country. We mostly kept in touch online. But he’s tied to the story of my career too."
For a second I think I’ve misheard.
"Career? I thought you were a music teacher."
Snow smiles faintly. "Have you ever seen me teaching? Well, except for our music lessons. It’s long in the past. But most people think that, and I don’t correct them."
"Okay… you’ve got my full attention. Want to tell me about it?"
Snow stays quiet for a moment, still staring at the ceiling. Then he says,
"Back then, right after graduating, Dennis was in a really bad place, mentally. He’d entered a few competitions and projects, and his compositions were rejected in the first rounds. At one point he even ended up under suicide watch. He was always on medication. I mentioned it to Theo once, and he said he could put in a word with Tim’s brother-in-law, you know, Lowen. They’ve got powerful connections. And sure enough, Sebastien Lowen whispered a word to someone; it turned out a certain young director was looking for a composer for his film, someone affordable because he didn’t have much of a budget. I reached out to Dennis with the offer, but… he turned me down. He was so depressed he said he couldn’t handle it and told me I should write the score instead…"
I laugh, glancing at Snow’s beautiful profile against the dim background of the room.
"Wow, he waited so long for a chance and then didn’t want it?"
"Well, I’d already sensed it would go that way, so I had a scenario ready for him, one that would work for both of us. I told him, fine, I’d write the score, but… it would be released under his name."
I prop myself up on my elbow and stare at Snow.
