Page 57 of Let It Snow
In any case, sleepiness slowly creeps over me.
I drift off and dream of swimming in vast oceans, plunging into deep watery abysses, sinking into the mysterious darkness below.
And I have that fleeting thought.
Maybe I should stay here?
Perhaps the bottomless depths are wheremonstersbelong?
???
For the next two days, I read a lot on the net, realizing how much knowledge I lack due to my amnesia.
That other persona of mine had access to all of that information, but right now it’s buried deep in my mind. So I decide I have to reconstruct it from scratch.
During those two days, I barely leave my room except to eat. I feel a constant shame and fear of talking to the Nolans, especially Snow. The idea of seeing him again stirs something fierce in me, a fear that if I touch him again, I’ll lose control and that wild side will surge up…
So all I'm left with is vague fantasies and constant use of my dildo, which is just depressing.
By the third day, I’m starting to get tired of hiding in my room all the time. I feel like I’ve even put on a little weight from all the sitting around and constant snacking. After a moment of hesitation, I decide… maybe today I could try going down for breakfast with them. An attempt at normalcy.
A crazy thought?
It feels strange, having Lake or Jordan bring food up to me like I’m some kind of prince.
Also, I could see… a certain blonde man, I kinda miss him, and it’s growing stronger.
But going there just like this, sitting down and eating with them? It’s so far outside my comfort zone, uhh… the idea alone makes me shiver.
The last time I ate a shared meal was with the Ferros: Anzo and his nephews. The ritual was grim and unpleasant, with Rocco’s eyes often on me, leaving me tense and miserable.
Until breakfast, I spend my time watching the fish, studying the way it glides inside its glass prison, surrounded on all sides by clear walls. Its long, flowing fins drift behind it like silk veils. I smile at its calmness. I wonder if it feels lonely or if it misses swimming among others of its kind.
Does it want to have a mate?
I’m lonely too… but maybe that’s something I could change? A fleeting thought sparks, mixed with a rising ache to see him…
The moment I whisper his name in my head, I’m flooded with the same feeling I had when he kissed me. Sweet, intoxicating. Oh Fate… I have to remind myself why I keep denying myself seeing him, why I don’t reach for more.
I’m scared of what’s hidinginsideme.
Or maybe I shouldn’t be?
The temptation seems to slowly overpower all my sensible doubts and fears.
By nine, the Nolans’ usual breakfast time, I make my move.
The moment I step timidly into the dining room, every eye turns to me, and I almost faint. Worst of all, there’s another Nolan son sitting on a chair: Bay. I recognize him immediately. He’s a singer and YouTuber, known in some circles, and I’ve seen his face before. That recognition only makes me more self-conscious.
And of course, Snow is already at the table, which does not escape my attention. Even from the stairs, I can catch his fresh, heathery scent…
Thankfully, the Nolans seem to sense my nervous state. They quickly look back down at their plates, giving me a break from the attention.
Bay is chatting with Jordan about an upcoming concert, but when I sit across from him, he pauses long enough to greet me in a neutral tone.
He’s wearing a thick hoodie, his hair pulled back into a ponytail like Snow’s. The family resemblance between them is striking; both have sharp, masculine features. The only real difference is color: Bay’s hair is a deep dark red, while Snow’s is platinum.
Snow gives me a small nod when he sees me, but I don’t answer. I drop into the chair beside Lake’s.
