Page 88 of The Night Before Christmas
‘I hope so.’
‘Do you think you might meet up?’
Felicity took a moment to think. What would it be like to come face to face with her brother after all this time?
‘I don’t know yet.’
It was the truth.
‘Good. Well, good progress. What else would you like to talk about this week, Felicity?’
What else could she talk about but Penguin Man?
She took a deep breath and told Hattie the whole story. Well, saga really. She didn’t mention Adam though.Too complicated, somehow.
‘And what is it that attracts you to James?’ said Hattie when she had finished.
That was a good question.
‘Wait. You’re not going to tell me it’s because I’ve got daddy issues, are you? Because I think it’s a bit more complicated than that.’
‘Of course it is. It’s always more complicated than that,’ said Hattie, with a sympathetic smile.
‘I mean, he’s very capable. And kind. And he has a grown-up job. He feels like a grown-up all round, to be honest with you. Isn’t it funny how some people seem like grown-ups even when they are the same age as you? And others…’ She tailed off whenshe noticed Hattie peering at her over her glasses. ‘Sorry. I know, I’m dodging the question.’
‘Somewhat.’
‘Hmm. Okay. So, what is it about him?’ Felicity was stalling for time.
‘You said he was kind. That’s a good start,’ prompted Hattie.
‘Heseemskind. But me being me I’m still not sure whether he’s real or not. You know? He’s way too good to be true. And you should see him with the kittens, he’s never really been around animals but he’s so gentle with them and they just seem to take to him. I always think animals are a great judge of character, don’t you?’
Her therapist nodded sagely. ‘Let’s see. He’s kind, he’s good with animals. He’s attractive?’
‘Oh yes,’ said Felicity, rather quickly. She paused. ‘But that’s not it.’
‘Not what?’
‘That’s not why I really like him,’ said Felicity, and suddenly she knew the answer. ‘When I’m with him, I don’t want to run away and hide. He makes me feel calm and like I can trust him and I’m… I’m not used to that.’
‘Which for you is…?’ said Hattie gently.
Felicity nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. ‘It’s a big deal. Yes. Since everything that happened with Adam, he’s the first man I… well it’s the first time in ages I’ve really trusted anyone. Recently, anyway…’
Hattie waited.
‘So yes, it’s a really big deal for me. I wasn’t sure I would ever find someone who could make me feel like that again. These days I’m so used to getting on with my job, you know? Getting my head down and not having to think.’
‘Is it just about not having to think? Or could it be more than that in some way?’
Felicity thought for a moment.
‘I guess it’s more than that. It’s about not, well, not engaging I suppose, in some way. It’s easier to hide, isn’t it? But when I’m with James… if I really concentrate, I can imagine having a life outside of the centre. I can imagine doing couply type things, you know, like normal people do, and I don’t feel like my heart is about to be ripped out any minute.’
Felicity paused.
‘And what about when you’re not with him?’ asked Hattie.
