Page 65 of The Night Before Christmas
‘So, Felicity,’ she said. ‘What brings you to see me today?’
Until she opened her mouth, Felicity didn’t know what was going to come out. And then – wow – it all came out in a rush. So much so that after a couple of minutes Hattie held up a hand, a smile spreading across her face.
‘I’m sure that’s all very interesting and relevant, Felicity. Unfortunately, you’re speaking so fast I can’t understand a word you are saying,’ she said gently. ‘Take a deep breath and start again, can you?’
‘Sorry.’
‘And don’t be sorry. I won’t allow any apologies in my therapy room. Unless you were to stand on my foot of course,’ she added, still smiling.
‘Fair enough,’ said Felicity. She sat back a little.
‘So, let’s start again, shall we? What brought you to see me today? Take your time.’
Felicity could feel her heart hammering in her ears. ‘I’m here because I don’t know who I am,’ she said. And there it was. Tears prickled behind her eyes.
‘Go on,’ said Hattie.
‘I thought I knew. I mean, I really did think I knew who I was, Hattie.’ She cringed at this familiar use of the therapist’s name, but Hattie didn’t seem to mind. She was listening intently.
‘It sounds really angsty and childish, I’m sure, but I genuinely don’t know who I am. I don’t ever seem to know my own mind, what I want, how I feel about things. And I think it’s probably because I’ve never really had anyone around me to bounce things off? Do you know what I mean? It’s always been me having to work things out on my own.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ said Hattie. ‘Have you ever had any role models in your life, that you can think of? People you’ve looked up to?’
‘I do now, I guess. I have friends. My boss, perhaps. She’s pretty cool. But no, there was no one when I was growing up.’
‘No one?’ said Hattie, making a note.
‘No one. And I do mean no one.’
‘What about your parents?’
‘They were completely useless.’
Hattie looked up from her notes, sharply. ‘Define “useless”.’
‘Literally useless. Ineffectual. Ineffective. “An item having no use”. They were non-parents, really.’
‘Those are very strong words, Felicity.’
‘In this case, justified.’ Felicity could feel her jaw clenching.
Hattie nodded slowly, as if sizing her up. ‘Okay. Do go on. What effect has that had on you, on how you live your life?’
‘It’s affected everything, I reckon. Mostly because I’ve spent my adult life being terrified that I might end up like them.’ She paused. ‘I saythembut I really meanhim.’
‘Your father?’
‘Yes. I’ve always thought I was like him. Or at least, that I could be like him. That I had that potential.’
‘And that’s obviously not something you wanted? To emulate him?’
‘God, no.’
‘And why is that? Can you be more specific than “useless”?’
How long have you got?
‘He… hurt us badly when I was young. He hurt me badly when I was young, and I never quite got over it.’
