Page 60 of Rising Luna
My hands balled into fists at my sides, my claws lengthening to the point they dug into my skin. I even felt them pierce my skin and draw blood, but I didn’t want to punch Silas while he lay on the bed. I’d much rather put him back out on that mat and kick his ass for doing this to me.
"There was much more to it than that. You weren't just using combos to disarm me. You were trying to hurt me, and I’m your mate!"
His head snapped to me, and his green eyes narrowed. I searched for the glow of his wolf, but it wasn't there. If hehad gone through the change to become Lupe's spawn, then it wouldn't be there, anyway. Once the wolf had taken over completely, the glow never showed itself.
"The mate who rejected me once I came back to her? The one who has kept me at arm's length and flaunted the bonded mates she took in front of me to show what I am missing? That mate? I don't know, Dylan, but to me, that doesn't seem like someone I should just accept anymore. That kind of behavior means you don't want me, so why should I be pining for your affection?"
It felt like a knife being driven into my heart. He cut me so deep with that. I understood why he threw that in my face. That's exactly what I did to him because I was too pissed off to accept anything else. The way he hurt me for rejecting me caused me to keep him at arm's length. I could have accepted the bond. That could have been a path for me to go through and work on things away from this castle, but I didn't do that. I got revenge instead.
That was such a mistake.
"You're right. I shouldn't have rejected you, but I won't apologize for loving the mates I have accepted. They didn't care that I was a Shadowborn, Silas. You did. You didn't accept me for me. So why would I accept you just for saying sorry that you made a mistake?"
He scoffed and shook his head. "There were a lot of ways to sort through our shit without rejecting me. Even when we made this plan to get that wolf for the angels, we could have done it differently so I was more involved with the plan. Instead, you sent me to get that damned wolf, and I got captured. She tortured me, Dylan."
My throat went dry, and the tears welling in my eyes spilled down my cheeks. He could have told us this last night. Silas kept that from us. Why would he keep that from us?
"You didn't tell us that. Why?"
He shook his head again and leaned it back against his pillow. "It wouldn't have changed a damn thing. That's why. It's not like you guys care about me. While she tortured me for information about you, I couldn't even tell her anything because we hadn't gotten to know each other. I had nothing to give her, so she kept going. My healing saved me from getting scars, but that won't stop me from remembering it, anyway."
"What did she even want to know about me?"
"Nothing of importance. She wanted to know more about your Shadowborn side. Of course, I don't know any of that because you have shared nothing about it! No. You want me to learn about it from Wilcox instead. That's why it kept going and getting worse. She thought I was lying since we spent that night together."
My feet walked back until I hit the chair, and then I sat, staring at him. If he had known things about me, would he have told her? Who was this man before me? Not an alpha who would do whatever it took to save his mate. At least, that's what it sounded like.
"How far did she go, Silas? Did she do something to you so your wolf would take over?"
He glared at me again and made a face like he couldn't believe I asked that. "No! I am not her damn minion. I am just realizing the woman I love won't love me back. I have been wasting my time here, and I shouldn't have even come."
It felt like he slapped me in the face. What was he talking about? Did he still want to work on things between us and bond with each other? It sure as fuck didn't sound like it. My wolf whined as I felt my heart being ripped to pieces. It may have taken me a bit, but I knew I couldn't live my life without Silas in it. He was my mate, and the Great Moon gave him to me for a reason. The reason he was destined to be mine was because he was the one person who would challenge me and show mehow relationships needed work to keep it together. Jackson kept things lighthearted, and Hunter was my protector. Silas was the one who would make me fight for it and not rest on the bond to keep things easy. I'm used to getting my way out of being stubborn. He was the one that made me work for it.
And I pushed it away because it wasn't easy.
My stubbornness created a problem that may not get fixed.
"What are you saying, Silas?"
He closed his eyes and sighed. Silas wouldn't look at me, and it felt like this was over. I didn't want it to be over. My wolf growled at the thought of this being over.
"I don't know."
I struggled to breathe as the next words came out of my mouth. "Do you still want me as a mate?"
This was the first time in my life I wasn't confident in myself. What if my stubborn ways caused me to lose the person I loved? Seeing him care for me during my heartbreak, even though I didn’t want to get attached, hooked me. I thought it was him being stubborn too, not letting something get in the way of loving me, but maybe Lupe’s torturing him made him see it was for nothing. Was that what was happening?
"I don't know anymore."
I sucked in a breath and ran out the door. Hunter called out my name, but my feet wouldn't stop. There was no chance in hell I could stay in that room any longer. My heart and soul felt raw from the wounds that ripped through them. Silas, not knowing if he wanted me... I couldn't handle that now, not when I wanted Silas and thought bonding to him would keep Lupe from taking him from me.
I should have allowed Silas to mark me during my heat. That was my chance at saving everything between us, and I let it slip through my fingers.
I fucked this up.
How did I let myself push him away to the point of no return?
If I had just believed my mates and Sera when they suggested Lupe had taken him, I could have gotten to him sooner, and maybe Silas wouldn't have gone through what he did. He would still be mine.
