Page 17 of Some Swans Don't Swim
Chapter Five
Still hours beforesunset, I paced. I couldn’t sleep. I hated the unfairness of daylight because it was such a disadvantage. And every passing hour was a reminder that there were children out there, missing, terrified, cold children I hoped with every dead cell in my body were still alive.
“Belle.”
I whirled from the living room window, which was fully draped, a tad jumpy.
Sawyer stood next to the Christmas tree, its twinkling lights reflecting off of his still-damp hair. “Sniffing the drapes?”
“They smell like raisins for some reason, which makes me feel disappointed, like when I see cookies and immediately think they’re chocolate chip.” I sighed like this was the most tragic thing ever. “Curtains should smell like chocolate chips.”
He rolled his lips to fight back a smile. “Are you okay?”
“No.” My shoulders sagged. “I feel useless.”
He looked at me then, peering into my soul like he always did, deeper and deeper until he peeled back the layers and saw everything. And I let him.
“Can I make an observation?” he asked, his head tilted slightly.
“Sure.”
“You haven’t once talked about today. Christmas. Past traditions, new traditions...” He pointed to the tree. “Decorations.”
“This is a hard time of year,” I said, my voice husky.
“I understand that.”
He would, better than a lot of people since he worked for a suicide prevention hotline.
He crossed toward me, the kindness in his eyes warming some of the memories about Mom I’d kept frozen.
“She...” I swallowed thickly. “My mom and I used to decorate our dinky little tree with popcorn strings and goofy handmade ornaments I’d made since childhood. We couldn’t afford anything else, but it had been enough. In the years since she died, I haven’t even bothered to put up a tree or celebrate in any way. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
He reached out and stroked my arm with his comforting touch. “Popcorn strings?”
I nodded.
“I saw some popcorn in the kitchen, you know.” He crossed his huge arms and shrugged. “It might help pass the time.”
I looked around us, considering. “This place is already decorated.”
“We can take them home,” he said. “Or there’s a whole park we’ll be going to later that isn’t decorated if you’d rather do that.”
I smiled. It was awfully hard to resist anything to do with popcorn and Sawyer.
So, Sawyer popped some popcorn while I found a needle and thread, and then we sat side by side at the kitchen island, trying not to stab our thumbs. I definitely planned on replacing supplies and cleaning up before we left here for good, but in the meantime, this was relaxing. It required just enough concentration to keep my mind off everything else, including the hollowness in my chest made sharper this time of year.
“Is there anything you’d like for Christmas?” Sawyer expertly needled his popcorn and added it to the five-feet length we already had.
Cleo sniffed around our chairs and cleaned up after us.
“I already have everything.” I kissed Sawyer’s cheek while leaning over to grab another popcorn piece. When my ass left the stool, there was a loud crack, followed by a sharp sting on my butt cheek.
I sat back and stared. “Did you just spank me?”
“Yes.” He lifted his eyebrows. “You didn’t answer my question.”
I grinned because of course I’d liked the spanking. “Okay, then, if that’s how it’s going to be. I want the admission office to approve my college application tomorrow. I want world peace and a new pink collar for Cleo.”
