Page 61 of This I Know
Oh, no.
Not this. Not from you. Not more attack shit.Don’t bring this up now, when I’ve being doing so well moving on ... well, aside from that whole Cole thing that just went down. And that time in the movie theater.
Just … not you. Not when sometimes I think you’re the only reason I’ve been able to move on at all.
I grip the side of the bench with both hands.
“And it kills me to see you put up with that,” he says. “I don’t know how these bad guys keep finding you, Avery, but now a good one has found you, too, and that’s something to be thankful for. Do you know that?”
I can do nothing more than stare at him as I choke back the tears. No matter how much time has passed, or how many times someone brings it up, they always come. And his words … his words go straight and deep, down into my soul.
He’s waiting for me to say something; I know it.
But I can’t answer. All I can do is put my face in my hands. “You’re just saying that.”
He tips my chin up and holds it there. My eyes shoot around, but then come back to him. That privacy I thought we had isn’t so private after all; there are clusters of people just feet from us, drinking and laughing; couples sitting on the very edge of the outer gazebo, a boy’s arm slung around a girl. I push my shoulders back. I don’t care who sees us.
“I’m not bad,” he continues. “I promise I’m not. And Avery, I want to be the first guy in your life who’s not just saying that.” He forces a deep gaze. I see that reflection in his eyes. “Do you understand?”
I swallow. Then I say quietly, “But you’re with Julia.”
His eyes widen. He releases my chin. “I’m what?”
I wipe the corner of my eye with my sleeve. “Aren’t you?”
“With Julia? No. I’m not.” He straightens his back, but he remains on the ground. “Why would you think that?”
“How could Inotthink that? You two came here together, for crying out loud. Alone. But together. You know.”
He purses his lips and nods. “Yes, we did come here together. She asked me to pick her up because she didn’t have a ride. Hey.” He takes hold of my chin again. “I tried to make it as clear as possible that it wasn’t anything more than that.” He tries to smile, but something’s now broken within him. “I’ve been trying to do that for a while, actually. I’m not sure it’s working.”
Looking again into that reflection of mine in his eyes, I believe him. He’s not with Julia. Julia is … she’s Julia. She’s a she-player. How could I have been wrong this whole time? How could Hannah have been wrong? How could everything in my fucking life have been so wrong up to now?
“So…you two aren’t together,” I say without thinking.
He shakes his head.
“You’ve never been together.”
He shakes his head again.
“Do you … want to be together?” I can’t believe I’m being so bold, but this is my way of dancing around the subject of Julia’s undeniable hotness.
“No,” he says quickly. Then he says, “The only person I want to be with is right here.” He takes my hand and the butterflies return. “I’ve known it since the moment I first saw you.”
He pauses, giving those butterflies a chance to multiply within me.
A brief look of panic washes over him, and he seems to correct himself: “…when you fell in the hallway.”
I don’t drop my mouth in amazement.
I don’t turn around and assume he must have meant someone else, as if anyone else was actually behind me.
Instead, I lean myself forward and I hug him. Because for once, someone gets me. I’ve connected with someone, and I have a feeling I’m going to come away from it a better person.
I believe him. I actuallytrusthim. And it’s the greatest feeling in the world.
My weight falls forward, and he instantly catches me, hugging me back and resting his face against my hair. His hand cups the back of my head. I inhale his freshly-washed-skin scent, the one with that hint of Sandalwood lingering about, as a tear falls down my cheek. My hair cascades over his shoulder and down his arm, and I watch his muscles roll in and out as he lightly rubs my head with affection.
