Page 113 of This I Know
His large, muscular and still-dressed body takes up the majority of the mattress. Together, the two of us barely fit. And yet I somehow managed to sleep comfortably and without a care in the world.
He opens his eyes and catches me spying on him. I don’t know how long he’s been secretly awake, or even if that’s been the case at all; but now here he is, with me at last, and I smile and speak in a happy whisper: “My mom could find us here.” Not that I have anything to worry about, inside of myself; we haven’t done anything but lay here, and the thought of doing something inappropriate never even crossed my mind (though his, I can’t be certain), but still–it would be an unnecessary drama for her to find us here, and something I wouldn’t want to put her – or Ethan, for that matter – through.
“She got you your own room for a reason, right?”
I laugh. “Yeah. And I doubt that reason had anything to do with you.”
“Hey. That’s mean.”
He crept inside the room with me last night, late after I was sure my mom was already safely asleep in her room next door. We did a good job of it. We shut the door quietly behind us, and in an exhaustion that was now pleasant after all that’s happened lately, I crawled into bed. Ethan tucked me in, and I didn’t expect him to stay; but I was passed out and dreaming before I could even change out of my clothes and into pajamas and long before I had a chance to see him leave.
“I know,” he replies. His morning voice is just as soft as his gaze.
I give him a concerned look, but I try to make sure he knows it’s regretful. “She’s probably worried about me after what happened.” Which is my way of saying,she could be here any minute.
After what happened.Whatdidhappen? Oh yes. Ethan happened. The memories of the night before flood back into me, and for a moment, I can’t help but cringe.
Ethan places his hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay,” he says, his voice in control and calm.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he somehow just sensed my brief moment of distress.
“It just sucks,” I say. “Bad. Do you think it’ll ever stop sucking?”
“You’re right, it sucks, and I don’t know if it’ll ever stop. But I know it can get better. I mean, sometimes shit just happens. But I think there’s always a reason for it.” He runs his fingers through my hair. “We’re just not supposed to understand it yet.”
“How can that be?” I’m now staring up at the ceiling, but all of my being is focused on him.
“It just is.”
I rest my head on my hand. “That’s a crappy answer. I’m not sure I can live with that.”
“Me either.”
It’s silent until we look at each other and laugh. Then I hug him, with more love than I’ve ever hugged anyone before, because he gets it.
He getsme.
And now he has my heart.
He rubs my shoulder, this time reassuringly with his thumb. “I’ll see you at school. We’ll get through this together, Avery. Remember, everyone would rather have it some other way.”
Then he leans forward, slowly, and as he kisses me once again, the painful memories wash out of me, out of him, between us and away.
Two weeks later…
Ethan
“Can I help you?”
A woman’s face peers back at me in the doorway of the house Avery and I are renting together. The woman is short. She’s wearing a dress suit and she’s clutching something to her chest.
“Oh,” she says, “are you…” She pauses to look down at the Ipad in her hands. “Ethan Harrington?”
“That’s me.”
“Then yes, you can help me. I’m from the Department of Corrections, and I’ve been handling your father’s case. May I come in?”
“Of course.” I step aside. “Help yourself to a seat.”
