Page 110 of This I Know
“Please don’t tell me you’ve been thinking this the whole time.”
“Come on. You’re too good looking to not have dated her.” I realize perfectly well how ridiculous I sound.
He crosses his arms and leans forward on his elbows. “Is that right?”
Ethan
“Listen.” I take her by the hand after the police have wrapped up their questioning. They made no more false promises of watching the house; instead, they told Avery and her mom that it might be wise to stay in a hotel for a while.
“Whatever you’re about to say, can it wait? I’ve got to get some fresh air.”
“How about some Dairy Queen?” I smirk, trying to cheer her up, all while my mind is torn.No, it can’t wait.
“A sugar high. Nice. I could use one of those.”
The Dairy Queen is only a few blocks from the hotel, so we decide to walk. As Avery gets ready to go, I twiddle my fingers nervously.
“We should take my truck,” I say. “You shouldn’t wear yourself out after everything that happened tonight.”
“I’m fine. Besides, it’ll do me good. Fresh air, you know?” She starts walking toward the door.
I can’t stop her, so I follow closely. The sky is cloudy and the tops of the trees are whipping in the wind.
“Avery,” I say loudly.
She turns, her mouth tilted up but her eyes confused. She’s still holding that blanket around her, the one I placed around her at her house.
“You’re going to have to make a choice.” I look her dead in the eyes without faltering my gaze. I swing out my arms. “Because I can’t do this. I’ll stay by your side through anything, but I need to know if you can stand by mine.”
She looks down.
I walk up to her and she doesn’t resist the advance. I show her my hands. “Or if the fact that these remind you of what my father did to you will keep eating away at you until you can’t take it anymore.”
She doesn’t answer. She doesn’t even look at me.
“You’ve been on my mind ever since I first saw you in the hospital, and I still think about you all the time. Do you know that?”
She looks further away in embarrassment but I take her chin, guiding her back to me. “Avery, I love the way you smell. I love how you try to hide the way you laugh at yourself when you crack the worst jokes. I love everything that makes youyou.Even the parts you don’t.”
She watches me wide-eyed without saying a word, me still holding her chin, her eyes growing moist.
“If you want me to go, I’ll go,” I say. “I’ll try to carry on with my life the same way I always have since all this stuff with my dad happened, before you were in it. I’ll figure out how to move on without you. But I’m telling you it’ll be hard as hell, Avery.” My voice trembles. I release her and clear my throat. “Do you want me to go?”
Avery
I search his eyes deeply, and in doing so I search his soul.
“I want to go to the truck,” I say, staring. “Please, let’s go to the truck.”
He stands up, away from me, and his head sinks. His shoulders tense and his hands go to his pockets. I know him; I know what he’s doing. He’s closing down.
I’m losing him.
“Okay,” he says, holding out his hand. “Come on.”
My mind is torn. I want him to come to me. I want him to take those cursed hands of his out of his pockets and wrap them around me in comfort; but at the same time, I don’t. I don’t know if I can take it. I don’t know if those hands would comfort me or hurt me.
It starts to rain. I shrink down, looking up at the grey sky, and then I hesitantly accept the connection. Our hands slip together perfectly. I clasp my thin fingers around his bulky hand, and I feel so frail in comparison. If this was Ethan’s own hand, and not his father’s, I’d want to draw it into my chest, to protect it, but I can barely manage to hold it, and together we head to the truck.
