Page 65 of Clean Hack
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I Am Home
Clean
As an adult, I never really got the meaning ofhome. Sure, growing up it was a two-story farmhouse style building with a barn out back and a few goats running around. The kitchen was where my mom loved to spend her time, and I wasn’t just saying that because she seemed to be in there most of the day. The mudroom was where my dad would always strip out of his boots and wood-chip coated coveralls. The room on the top floor that faced the front yard and gave me a clear shot into Cindy Taylor’s bedroom was filled with things that were mine. When I was a kid, home was more about the little things I saw every day but didn’t really notice. Like my baby shoes displayed on the downstairs mantel. Or the marks on the wall that crawled upward as the years went on. Home was the smells that floated through each room. Like the apple and cinnamon from the bowl of homemade potpourri on the back of the toilet. And the pancakes that my mom always made every Sunday morning.
As I lay there later, Lucy curled tightly into my side with her arm tossed over my stomach, I realized that home wasn’t necessarily about the place. It was about how you made it yours and the people you shared it with. I had the feeling of home the moment I was headed back to Lucy. While I may not have realized it right away, it sure as hell hit me the moment I walked into the front door. I couldn’t wait to get back and the thought of seeing her just made everything so much better.
Part of me tried to say that it was too soon to feel such a thing.
But that didn’t mean that I could fight the way I felt.
To be honest, I didn’t really want to.
Coming back, knowing she would be there waiting for me, somehow breathed a kind of warm life into me that I hadn’t realized I’d been lacking.
I ran my fingers through her silky hair from root to tip slowly. I wanted this moment to last. And more than that, I wanted ones just like this every single day. This was how I wanted to fall asleep and wake up, with her in my arms.
“That feels so good,” she mumbled and snuggled closer into my side. “Oh, wait!” She jerked back, her eyes wide with alertness. “Shower. Oh, God, shower. You have dead body-ness going on. I wasn’t thinking. Oh, it kind of ruins this whole thing.”
I couldn’t help it, I busted out with a deep, rumbling laugh that shook my entire body as well as the bed. So, she wasn’t wrong. That would have been super fucking nasty, but I’d also never do that to her, no matter how easily she could pull me in.
“I showered before I headed back. I was wearing clean clothes when I got back. I keep a spare set in my truck. There’s no…‘dead body-ness’ on me, I swear.”
“Oh,” she said looking a little embarrassed at her outburst. It was so adorable. Then she burrowed herself back into my side, her hand coming to rest over my heart. I couldn’t help but bring my hand up to cover hers. “That’s good.”
We were silent for a long time, both of us completely comfortable being wrapped up in one another.
“Alright,” I said after a while. “Let’s get up. I’m hungry and I’m sure I should feed you too. There is this cute Italian restaurant I want to take you to.”
I knew what I was doing. Though she hadn’t really come right out and said it, I had a feeling she liked the comfort and security of these walls a bit too much. I’d gotten the sense that she had isolated herself a lot over the years. While I wasn’t big on going out either, I figured I’d put that aside for her. It was time that she started living her life for herself. And I was going to give her a little push to change things. And of course, I’d be right there by her side through it all.
I felt her stiffen and I wrapped my arm around her tighter and gave her little hand a squeeze.
“Did you get your computer thing handled?” I asked knowing full well that she hadn’t.
“Um, no,” she said hesitantly.
“Come on, shower with me, then we can head out.” I wasn’t going to let her over think it. I was hoping if I kept things moving along then she wouldn’t get inside her head too much.
“Shower…together?”
“Yes,” I said sliding out of the bed and holding my hand out to her.
Her eyes went as wide as saucers as she did a slow scan of my naked body. Her breaths came out in pants and her creamy skin turned pink all over.
While I had no problem distracting her with the part of me that she was currently entranced with and drooling over, I wanted to take her out more. Sure, it would have been so easy to slip back into bed and slide back inside of her tight channel. Just thinking about it made me harder. Which wasn’t what I was going for right then. I was a damn grown man, I should have been able to control myself. But it was kind of hard when she was looking at it with such shock and longing. I imagined she was remembering it inside of her just as much as I was right now.
Focus,I yelled at myself in a scolding tone.
But I couldn’t. Because I’d never felt anything like that before. Not just the action of it all. There was more and I didn’t even think I could begin to describe it. It was intense and earth-shattering. It was life-altering and almost maddening. I lost myself in the moment. I didn’t think. I didn’t even have to try, but I felt it all. It was like she opened up for me and let me crawl into her soul. And I handed over my heart while I was in there.
Lucy had quickly become everything I craved and needed. And I hadn’t been blind to it.
“Luce,” I warned as she looked as though she was about to reach out and stroke me. I could see she was thinking about it. Her eyes were ablaze with need and lust. I was right there with her and I was trying my best to tramp that shit down. “Shower. Eat. Then I promise I will spend the rest of the night learning every single inch of you.” I spoke low as I bent over and scooped her up in my arms.
She let out a little yelp and then giggled all the way down the hall. There was something about the sound that caused a smile to split my face. She made me feel free. She made me feel happy. And she made me feel young. Which was odd because I was practically a damn old man.
