Page 28 of Clean Hack
There was a heavy exhale that echoed through the speaker of my phone and I felt the weight of her day lift off of her just a fraction. I maybe smiled thinking that I had done that. And for some strange reason, I felt this need to always be the one to lift her burdens. To make sure she smiled each day. To hold her when things got too intense. I couldn’t explain it and maybe I didn’t really want to. I had never actively sought out any type of relationship. I’d never encouraged myself or the few women that had stumbled along my path that showed interest. I just never really saw the point in it all. It wasn’t because I was jaded. Even though my dad at times was a dick to me and cut me down, he loved my mother. He showed her care and tenderness every chance he got. And both my grandparents were the same. So, I didn’t have that hate of seeing how people only brought each other down. And I hadn’t had some tragic relationship that made me start to hate women. I just figured that I was meant to be alone. The older I got, the more that thought took root and now I had pretty much accepted my future as the male version of a crazy cat lady.
Or maybe I was just going insane.
But no matter how I looked at it,my little psychic chickwas starting to drill a hole into my heart whether that was her intention or not.
She didn’t say much this time, choosing to let me run the conversation. I talked about random things and tried to get her to open up. I told her how Fall was my favorite time of year. It was the best when traveling because I got to see how the season change varied throughout the states. I told her that I had always wanted to learn how to play chess but never had anyone to teach me. Hell, I never really had anyone to just attempt to play with me. That led me into giving her the tiniest glimpse into my childhood. I didn’t go into it in too much detail because I was trying my hardest to uplift her spirit and I feared that my lonely, beat down youth would only do the opposite.
“Thank you,” I heard her say just before she disconnected the call.
And I was pretty sure I smiled the rest of the drive to my destination.
Another two weeks went by and I felt it all slipping. Her guard. Her hesitancy. Her voice, and by that I meant it seemed like the distortion faded slightly with each new conversation. I wondered if one day I’d hear the real her. If I would ever get close enough to at least know her name.
Then it happened. No, not the voice thing or the name one.
She asked me a question back.
“Why the white button-up shirts?”
Then there was an audible gasp like she hadn’t really meant to ask that out loud. It also told me something and yeah, maybe she realized that too. It told me that she knew a little more about me than I had thought. It told me that she’d seen me, on more occasions than one. It also let me know me that she paid attention. Well, maybe it wasn’t really that hard to miss, because when I wasn’t behind my closed door, I was almost always in a button-up shirt and black slacks.
“To be honest, I’m not really sure,” I replied as my mind drifted off trying to come up with some answer for her. “Maybe it’s because I need to feel some sort of professionalism in all of this. I have the need to take…well, pride wouldn’t be the right word, but that I take what I do seriously and need that to reflect outward. What I do…it’s not light and it not a joke. What happened to those people is not something that should be taken care of in a sloppy manner. And I feel like that starts with my outward appearance.”
“Why do you do it?”
I smiled, an odd far away kind of smile.
“Not sure on that one either. I’m good at it. I know what to do and I know how to make sure that what I do never gets found by the people I wouldn’t want it to. The people my clients wouldn’t want to. Maybe it’s just that simple. Or maybe I don’t really have an answer.”
I shrugged though she couldn’t see it, well I didn’t think that she could anyway. Who the hell knew, she could have really been psychic and had some sort of visions. She could have been looking through her crystal ball at me right now. Sure it sounded downright mad, but I’d learned a long time ago that sometimes things you didn’t think could exist, really did.
“Why do you do it?” I asked, not really sure whatitwas.
“Because I have to,” she said and I knew that I had made her sad. “Because I made a promise.”
I knew it was coming. Even before the beep told me that she was gone.
A few days later.
I could tell she was ready to hang up right after she gave me the address. I wasn’t going to let that happen though.
“I’ve been working on my woodworking skills,” I blurted out with an odd sort of nervousness.
It wasn’t a lie. I had been. In fact, I was almost done with my first piece. A really sickly looking platypus. I couldn’t seem to get one of his legs right, so I kept whittling it down. Then it just sort of ended up looking like a nub of an leg more than anything. It wasn’t like I could glue the little shavings back on and start again. His bill was a bit big and his eyes were lopsided. But there was something about it that I found pride in. I knew my first attempt wasn’t going to turn out perfect, but I kept at it. For her. Because there was something deep down inside of me that had a twisted sense of hope. Hope that one day I’d actually get to give it to her.
“Really?” she asked and I could tell that I’d brought a tiny smile to her face. Which in turn, made my own lips tip up.
“Yeah, I think I’m getting better.”
Okay, that part was kind of a lie.
And by the little giggle that rang out with a creepy edge due to what she was using to cover up her real voice, I knew she could tell I was stretching the truth a bit.
“What else do you like to do in your off time?” she asked almost out of nowhere.
There was a lightness to the distortion and a burning curiosity that I could sense immensely. Like she’d been waiting forever to ask that question. Like the answer would cure the world. I couldn’t deny that it shocked me still for half of a second.
I kind of always thought that I was just there. She helped me out for some unknown reason, but in a way, I figured I was just one cog in a wheel. A giant operation that she ran. But with that one question, it had me wondering if maybe she’d thought about me beyond this whole thing of calling me with a direction to go in. And I had a feeling that was just the start. Oh, no, I didn’t mind that at all.
