Page 22 of Clean Hack
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I'm About To Break
Lucy
The days turned into weeks. There was so much going on that time seemed to blend into itself.
There were things happening that sent me through a rainbow of emotions. The thing that really sucked the most was that in all of this I felt lost and even vulnerable at times. Those also seemed to be the times thatmy cleaner, in a way, took advantage of, though I was sure he didn’t mean it that way. Maybe he sensed something under the contorted, inhumanly disguise that made him want to find a way to take my mind of off things for a few minutes. Or it could have just been that we’d finally reached that boiling point. He felt comfortable enough and let the curiosity take over.
It started out simple enough, his request to talk to me. And I had refused at first. Maybe refused was the wrong word to use. I had been hesitant and not to mention, frozen scared. Even if I wanted to talk, the words felt like they were lodged in my throat. But eventually, I started to slip. Not just the walls I’d erected around myself, but my disguise too. I honestly couldn’t tell you if I did it on purpose or not, but it seemed almost natural that I turned the dial down just a bit with each conversation. I began to get a glimpse into the man I’d yearned to know everything about. In those moments, those short conversations, his smooth voice seemed to calm my soul, even if it was for just a minute or two. It became something I needed, but it also terrified me that I felt that way. With each conversation, I slipped more and more. Until finally, I began talking. Until I began asking the questions that had been in my head for years.
However, when the call ended, I was already moving on to something else. I had too many balls to juggle and too many things I was trying to keep track of. So, I couldn’t really hold onto that feeling for long. I wanted to, so badly. I wanted to replay his words over and over in my mind just to hear his voice. I would have guessed that it was my body’s way of keeping me focused. If I lingered on it too long then I knew I would end up in a crazy freak out. The more I thought about it, the more I ended up analyzing everything I’d said, which would have me snapping to the realization that I’d more than likely said too much. I couldn’t reveal myself to him. It just wasn’t something that would ever happen. I knew I needed to pull back, but like the most addictive drug, I just couldn’t. I let the conversations grow deeper. I let the silence between us linger like a comfortable blanket until one of us broke it by speaking.
I didn’t know why I kept it to myself, but I did. I hadn’t even toyed with the idea of telling Nadya, though she asked about him sometimes. I remembered almost too vividly, the conversation that I’d had with her on a night when I’d had too much wine. I’d let the stress and hurt seep in a little too much that night and decided to let Merlot be my best friend for the evening. Which led to spilling part of the things I kept locked up tight to Nadya when she called me to check in. However, it was hard not to blur that line that we tried so hard to keep drawn in bold, black, permanent marker. The line where we didn’t talk about work in great detail. I knew what she did. She had an idea of what my talents included. And that was about it. But I found myself talking about the guy that was such a mystery to me.
After that, she asked about him from time to time. And I did let it slip what had happened after the first time he’d tried to keep me on the phone with him. I think I just felt so stupid that I needed to tell someone. But since then, I’d kept it to myself. Besides, she had enough going on with the whole situation she was currently sitting in.
I was itching with the need to hear from Burke. I hated that I was so close but not really. They must have anticipated that I’d get antsy, because the Ashburn group not only upped their firewalls and security, they also made the wise decision to keep everything about Burke’s mission on paper. Trust me, I fucking worked for days worming my way through their systems and there wasn’t a damn thing to find.
While Nadya was falling for her target, I was falling into a hole of chaos.
And one night, when I felt like she was struggling with what was happening, I let it slip that Savage was the reason behind Tank’s son’s death. I was sleep deprived and not sure which end was up. I blamed that as the only reason I told her. I crossed that line so hard that I practically erased it. I knew I’d hit her with something big and I just had to give her some time to come to grips with it. I prayed that it would be enough to tilt the scales in Tank’s favor. That she’d let this job go. And it took a while, but I began to see that it had. And she fell harder for the big, pathetic lug.
When she called me freaking out that she couldn’t find him, I’d hoped that meant she’d turned herself over to her feelings. I could hear how much she cared in her voice and I wondered if she could as well. But Nadya being the stoic, emotionless woman that she was, tried hard to brush it off. When she didn’t return my calls later that night, I tried hard not to panic. I couldn’t even begin to explain the kind of relief I felt when she called me a few days later. It seemed that everything was working out for her after all.
“I have no idea what I’m doing anymore,” she told me with a heavy sigh. One that sounded resigned and confused at the same time.
I laughed, for the first time in a while. It felt good and I was truly happy for her.
“Not for nothing, honey,” I said with a kind of lightness in my tone. “But you haven’t known for a while now. I mean come on, this guy comes into your life and your world went all wonky, whether you want to admit it or not.”
And that was the damn truth.
“Okay, fine. Yes, killing him is not an option anymore.” Her words were just the thing I needed to feel the chain around my heart loosen a little. The past months had been so intense that I felt like I was being pulled in all different directions and being suffocated to death by a boa constrictor all at the same time. “So now I need to figure out my next move.”
I felt bad that I couldn’t help her with that. I tried, I really did. And because I had this strange thing going on with Mr. Clean, I couldn’t help but ask why she had this sudden change. I wanted to know what was that one thing that made her realize that it was okay to let this one special person in. Or perhaps, love wasn’t something you really let in. Maybe it just forced itself there until you had no choice but to accept it. Hell, I didn’t know because I’d never been in love before.
She opened her mouth to answer, but her words were that of someone who didn’t want to tell what had been the tipping point. I felt my cheeks heat and I got what shewasn’tsaying.
“Oh my God! No,” I practically screeched in a way that was not right.
“Yep,” she answered because she knew there was no hiding it.
So sex was the key point here? One could only assume. And that led me to wondering about what it was about that sex that made her release herself to what she’d been fighting. Or was there something else? Something that was there hanging in between and around the act itself. I tried my best to bat all the questions away because I realized it was something personal and I had a good feeling that even if she understood whatitwas, she wouldn’t talk to me about it.
We continued to talk. She told me that she hadn’t pulled up the feed to watch him because it felt wrong now. So, of course, I couldn’t help but to do it myself. I wanted to see if I was able to notice a change in him. That maybe Nadya had been able to pull him up and out of his darkness.
Then it happened.
Savage reappeared on my screen.
Right in the heart of Nadya’s situation. He had Tank tied to a chair and I knew there was no saving him now. My heart threatened to beat out of my chest and I felt like I couldn’t get my limbs to move. Like someone had paralyzed me and I was once again seventeen and helpless.
“Oh shit!” I yelled. “You’ve got to go. Savage is there now. He’s got him tied to a chair.” The words rushed out of my mouth in a panicked tone.
“What’s going on? How many are there?” she asked. I heard her moving around and I guessed she was readying herself with the things she’d need to go into battle.
“I see five,” I said after I scanned each one of the feeds around the house. Only, I couldn’t see if there were any on guard outside. “Not sure if there are any out—”
