Page 14 of Clean Hack
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What Now?
Lucy
A week went by. Then another. Then a month. Then another. I talked to Clean off and on. Well, not really talked. Just called him with locations and hung up as quickly as possible. I didn’t let him linger though I got the feeling like he wanted to. I had turned into a huge stressed-out mess, even more so than normal. I had been close again and like water through my fingers, Savage had managed to slip from my grasp.
I hadn’t had much contact with Burke. Like none, really. I’d even called and bugged Tristan more times that I really should admit to. I begged and pleaded but he gave me nothing.
Then finally, one day, I got the call.
Burke was in. Well, not likein, in. But he had somehow turned heads enough to get a trial period or whatever. So he was somewhere between being an outsider and being a full-on member. I took it as a win. He’d somehow proven his worth enough for Savage to want to see more. He didn’t say how and I didn’t dare ask. But he did it and I was one step closer to finding Allison. It had been months since I’d heard from him. I was starting to go crazy from wondering what the hell was going on.
I hadn’t been able to find much on my own. Savage may have been in a new town, setting up a new compound or whatever, but he was still evasive as hell. I couldn’t find shit and I hated it.
But Burke was in so that was something. That was about as much as I knew and I had a feeling all I was going to know for a while. I understood that they had to go dark for safety reasons. I wasn’t an idiot. And there was no way that I’d try and force myself around that. It still didn’t help to calm the anxiety that I had, you know, being so close but not really getting anywhere. It was so frustrating. I also had trouble giving up control. Knowing that I was right there yet not really, was tiresome and extremely hard for me. It was seriously wearing me down. And on top of that, having to let go while someone else handled it. No. I wasn’t good with that. But it wasn’t like I had a choice in the matter. And just like Burke had reminded me several times, I was the one that had called him in to handle it.
So while I wanted to rage and whine about having to take a backseat, I didn’t.
I mean, this whole thing was my doing anyway. I just had to keep reminding myself of that.
Most days, I tried not to really think about Allison. It was hard. And while I wanted to keep her memory alive as much as possible, it ended up tearing me up inside so much that I felt like I couldn’t move.
But then there were times that I let them in. Times when I sat back, ignored what was going on in front of me and just lived in the memories, recalling every little detail about them.
Our mothers had been best friends most of their lives. It was really no surprise that Allison and I ended up that way too. I was born six months before her and our mothers could not have been more ecstatic about that. I mean, I think they had our friendship planned out from the moment they knew they were going to be mothers at the same time. Like, no joke. They bought us matching outfits to wear home from the hospital because they swore it was cute, even though we weren’t wearing them at the same time. There were pictures for proof.
How I wished I had some of those pictures now. Sad as it was, I didn’t have many of Allison. And the photos that I did have with me were tucked away in a special box.
There were so many photo albums filled with pictures of us back home. It wasn’t enough for my mom to have one, Allison’s mom had to have a copy of all the exact same ones. It was almost cute, you know, if I hadn’t been the one living it. I always hated when they brought out the cameras. Hell, half the time I refused to smile. That was when Allison would do something totally ridiculous and I couldn’t help but to laugh. I’d give anything to have those moments back.
We were inseparable pretty much from day one. Yes, most of the early years were our parents pushing us together, really making sure they hammered some kind of bond into us. But as we grew, that bond only got stronger.
We couldn’t have been more different. I was always the crazy one. I didn’t back down from a challenge. Like in fourth grade, Crissy B.—not to be confused with Crissy A., who would later become my rival—boasted how she was going to kiss Corvin Bryant behind the slide at recess. Well, when she caught me overhearing, she looked at me with the snottiest look on her face and told me that no one would ever want to kiss me and that if I told on her she would say it was all my idea. Like I could have made her do shit. Maybe I should take that back. I could have if I really brought out my mean streak. Instead, I brought out my inner bitch. Recess came and I was the one that found Corvin waiting behind the slide first, and damn if he didn’t look super excited to see that it was me there. So yeah, I planted one on his lips right as Crissy B. made it there. I didn’t feel sorry even a little. Then I walked away like I wasn’t even fazed by what had just happened. I later found out that was the starting point to Crovin’s obsession with me. Which, led to me crushing his heart in high school in front of practically everyone.
That wasn’t the point though.
So, I had a wild side and it developed more as I got older. Still, with all the mistakes I made, Allison was always there to have my back. In fact, she’d been my look at that very day behind the slide.
While I was bold and wild, she was quiet and reserved. Sometimes I think that if it weren’t for me then she wouldn’t have any friends. She was that shy. As we hit high school, she came out of her shell a little. She was hard working and always willing to lend a hand. She was sweet and honestly, just a breath of fresh air. She had so many dreams and things she wanted to become. And though she hadn’t picked which one of those things she wanted to make her future, she had the ambition and the smarts to go after whatever she did choose.
I honestly couldn’t remember exactly how old we were when we started our birthday tradition. It kind of felt like it had always been there. From what I could remember, it had started out as a joke. When we were younger, we let our parents throw us cute parties, but later that night we’d do our own thing. When it was my birthday, she’d climb into my window. And I’d climb through her window for hers. We’d spend the night eating foods that would rot our teeth and make us fat, but we didn’t give a damn. The night usually ended with us so full of sugar that we’d get sick. But it didn’t matter, as long as we suffered together. Sometime in middle school, we finally told our parents that we didn’t want parties but we kept up our secret tradition. It was just perfect. As much as we thought we were being sly and sneaky, it was obvious that our parents knew what we were up to. I guess it wasn’t like we were all that quiet. And even up until that last one, they went along acting like they had no idea for the most part.
I wondered what her life might have been like hadn’t she been taken. Would she be married now? Would she have kids? Would she have some great job that made her happy? I didn’t even think about if we’d still be friends or not because there was just no way we wouldn’t be. Sure, life might have taken us in different directions, but there was a bond there that couldn’t be severed.
I knew it was stupid to go down that road. It was also pointless to think about howIwould have turned out. I didn’t imagine myself going to college. I had been all about chasing the night and not getting the best grades. That was Allison. Always the smart one. Always the teacher’s pet. But I loved that about her. I loved her innocence and that bright, hopeful look she always wore.
That night changed the course of both of our lives. I still didn’t go to college, but at least I wasn’t pregnant with no clue who the father was. Or working the pole in some seedy joint. There was just no telling, honestly. I wouldn’t have said that I was over the top rebellious, but I definitely didn’t play it safe.
None of that mattered now. I was a different person and Allison had all those options taken away from her.
I shook myself out of the stupidwhat ifsthat wouldn’t do anyone any good. Life was sure different from the way I thought it would be. I didn’t often think about where I was and what I was doing. Truth was, it just made me feel lonely and a little pathetic. I used to be the social butterfly and now I was the lonely hermit. I got excited when that situation arose—you know, someone getting murdered—and I knew I’d get to hear a strange man’s voice. How messed up was that shit? I was a creeper, watching people in their most private moments without them even knowing. I had skills that would really get me nowhere beyond what I was already doing. And I couldn’t even let myself think of what I would do when this was all over. Because it would be one day. Come hell or high water, I was going to find her and get her out. And I would be by her side through everything that came after.
I needed a distraction. Too much thinking only led to me having a strong urge to throw a pity party for one. Focusing on the outside world was the sure answer. Watching other people deal with their problems was the only way to escape mine.
“Let’s see what those Texas boys are up to,” I said somewhat cheerfully to an empty room as I pulled up the main room camera for the Lone Riders MC. These boys were always fun to watch. There was no way I’d call them stupid out loud, but they were honestly like a group of man-children. They would always pull pranks and try to outdo one another. It made me feel like I was killing brain cells when I watched them, but it was the best kind of entertainment. Especially at times like this.
The night went by in a dumb blur. I could barely remember giving up sometime around dawn and dragging my ass to bed.
