Page 34 of Ky
“No,” Chris said, his head whipping back and forth to enforce his answer. “No, he was actually really nice and we have a lot in common.”
“Oh,” I said and tried to hide the disappointment as I dropped my head and gaze.
“Ky,” he whispered and when I looked back into his eyes he suddenly looked like he was torn and worn out.
Maybe he was tired of waging this war internally, just like I was. I was exhausted and before he left tonight, I had been ready to give in. Only now I was more confused and thrown off. I had no idea what I should do next, but as his eyes softened, I struggled to keep my distance.
But I was new at this. Sort of. I mean, I knew how to do things. I knew how to kiss. I knew how to fuck. However, I didnotknow how to do those things with a guy.
“I need to know what you’re thinking,” he said and suddenly he was closer than he’d been before. Close enough that I could reach out and grab him if I wanted, but still too far away. “I need you to talk to me because right now, I’m going out of my fucking mind.”
Me too.
And because I was so insane with what was running through my head, I didn’t know what to do or say.
“Ky, I don’t think I’m wrong, but if I am I don’t want to make things worse between us.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I said in practically a grunted tone. It was hard to admit to myself let alone out loud to the guy that I hadmaybejacked off to more than I was ready to admit. A guy that I could no longer deny the feelings I had for.
“Kiss me,” Chris whispered and his lips were right there, so close that all I had to do was lean in a little. His eyes pinned me with desire and want, and I knew mine held the same look.
His eyes darted down to my lips as my tongue instinctively darted out and swiped over the bottom one.
Then all hell broke loose. My hands firmly grabbed his jaw and I closed the two-inch gap between us. I wasn’t easy. I wasn’t soft. I took his lips in a ravenous kiss. The kind that I’d imagined over and over again for months. I gave and took. He did the same. There was a war with our tongues as he opened up for me and I knew right then that I was fucked.
His taste, his smell, everything about him drove me nuts and I had been an idiot to try and resist this. Nothing I’d ever done before matched this. Heaven opened up and the earth shook beneath my feet.
We ripped apart, both of us needing oxygen. My body trembled as I took a step back, my hands falling away from his face. I stood there, my chest heaving as I stared into his eyes.
And because I was me and had no clue how to categorize this or explain it, I felt the need to run.
“I…I need to go. I’m sorry.” I tripped over my words as I tried flee the room as fast as my feet would allow.
“Or you could stay,” he said and his words halted my steps just as I was about to hit the stairs. “You could talk to me and maybe I’d feel just a little less alone in these feelings.”
The last part of his statement was what made my heart race faster. He’d just admitted that he possibly felt some of what I was feeling.
I couldn’t face him and I hated it. I wanted nothing more than to sit with him and try to explain everything, but I was a frozen mess.
“I went on that date hoping to forget you,” he said and I could hear his feet shuffling in my direction. “I hoped this guy, Matt, could take my mind off of you because I could see it was too much for you. You aren’t sure what you’re feeling and I honestly don’t know if I can be the guy that can handle the one foot in and one foot out thing. I’ve been okay with who I am for a long time and I don’t want to hide. If I love, no matter who it might be, then I want the world to know it.”
Love.
That was the one word that caught my attention. It made my breath hitch and my chest ache.
“If you’re scared or confused, then talk to me, please.” His voice pleaded with me to open up. “I think I get it now. The reason you’ve been an asshole to me the last few months. The only thing I can’t figure out is what changed. When did you stop thinking about me as a friend and start to think about me in other ways?”
“The kiss,” I choked out and I was sure he had no idea what the fuck I was talking about. “With Brand. I saw it. I was hungry and couldn’t sleep. So I left my room and was going to make something to eat. As I walked to the kitchen, I saw that the fire pit was still going. I wanted to make sure that no one had just left it and see if anyone that happened to still be up wanted something to eat. I saw you two.”
I wanted to die right there as my confession spilled from my lips. I could feel him behind me, the heat from his body seemed to seep through my clothes, lighting me on fire from the inside somehow.
“You saw that?” I nodded. “I can explain.” His words came out calm and smooth. It wasn’t like he was rushing to toss out some reason to cover it up. No, it was more like he wanted to be open and honest with me. Whatever the reason, he wanted me to understand and possibly set me at ease.
“No,” I said because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. “I don’t need to know what happened between you two. I was surprised at first, because who wouldn’t be. I had no idea. It’s not like either of you have talked about it. And the thing is, I don’t care. That’s not what got me.”
I bit my lip to keep myself from revealing more. It was hard for me to admit it all but at the same time, it wasn’t. It was Chris, and I couldn’t help but trust him with my life and every little emotion I had. I knew he’d never make me feel less than who I wanted to be. He’d never make me feel stupid or silly for any thought or feeling I had.
I think what happened that night just made me open my eyes to what had already been there. It wasn’t just the kiss, it was the possibilities that it opened right then. If I really thought about it, I felt something more for Chris all along. I mean, up until I shut down, I hung out with him every chance I got. I even went to the fucking beach to hang out with everyone while he surfed, just so I could be around him.
