Page 8 of Brand
CHAPTER FOUR
Brand
“What made you decide that you wanted to move down here?” I asked Chris.
We were sitting around the fire pit that we had set up in between the two buildings that made up the compound. Beers in hand and to be honest, I had lost count of what number I was on. I didn’t have plans to go into the shop until late afternoon the next day, so I wasn’t all that worried. I didn’t make it a habit to get drunk, but every now and then I just needed the escape. It was late and it was just the two of us left sitting out here.
It’d been a week since he’d shown up here and he was still on the hunt for his perfect house on the beach. He had let it slip that the uncle that had passed had apparently been loaded. In other words, Chris didn’t need to worry with anything money wise for a long time. It wasn’t something he went around boasting about—in fact, I was pretty sure I’d been the only person he shared that part with. And despite having more money than he probably knew what to do with, the guy still took a job at the club bar when Iron had come to him about running the place. Since Chris had worked at Loch’s bar back in Moon Hill, and for the last two years had been pretty much managing the place, the job was perfect for him. And he seemed really excited about it, which was what mattered the most.
The happier he was, the more likely he’d stick around.
And I for sure wanted him to stick around for a long time.
The weekend had been slammed for me and the first of the week I was dealing with things at the shop and club business. So, this was really the first chance we’d had to sit down and talk.
“Honestly?” he asked as his head flopped to the side to look at me. “Everyone back home has their own stuff going on, you know? Reagan has Loch and now little Madelyn. Diesel has Ellie and Fate. My brother took off and I have a feeling he isn’t coming back anytime soon, especially now that he has the money to do what he wants. My sister has her family thing going on. And well, my parents went to do the old people thing in Florida. So, I figured why not and I like the beach. The beach has surfing, and I know I’m not that great at it but here is my chance to change that.”
We laughed. Chris didn’t give himself enough credit. I had been there the first time he hopped on a board and rode that tiny ass wave until he couldn’t anymore. He was a natural out there, so it really did make sense that he’d move this way to be closer to the water. Though, the waves here weren’t that great. I imagined that having a lot of friends here, mostly in the club, was the reason he chose here and not the other coast.
I could understand where he was coming from. Things had changed the last few years back in Moon Hill. Everyone there seemed more…settled. I could understand how it might be hard to be on the outside of all of that and not feel a bit…left out? Lonely? Awkward? Yeah, pretty much all of those things. I understood it because I had felt that too. That was maybe why I didn’t really have to think about it when Cal had offered me the new patch to help start up the new chapter.
“And you’re here. So there is that,” he added holding up his beer. I tapped the neck of my bottle with his then downed the last few swallows.
We sat in silence for a little while, both of our gazes focused on the popping fire, but it seemed like we both were a million miles away.
“She’s really happy,” he said, not moving to look at me. I didn’t have to ask who ‘she’ was and if I had it my way, we wouldn’t be talking about this.
“I know,” I said blinking my blurry eyes. “I’m happy for her. I really am. The thing is, everyone thinks I’m all heartbroken and pining over something that really never was. Did I have feelings for Reagan that were more than friendly? Yeah, sure. But look at the big picture, I was there with her when she was going through something that no one should ever have to go through. She broke in front of me and I was there to help her find her way back up. You honestly think if we’d gotten together after everything that it would have worked out?”
I didn’t need an answer but I still paused, taking in the words that I’d said. Maybe it was my drunk brain finally pulling the truth out of the dark corners because I’d never really allowed myself to think about it.
“Reagan is a strong woman, maybe a bit proud, too,” I said, continuing on. “The fact that I’d seen her in her weakest moments wouldn’t have really been a good foundation to build a relationship on with that type of person. She would have ended up building her walls higher and eventually pushed me away. And I’m not saying she would have done it intentionally. But that’s what would have happened, nonetheless.” I shrugged because there wasn’t really anything else to say at that point.
“Yeah, that’s true. I can totally see it.”
“And that’s ignoring the fact that her heart already belonged to someone else,” I added just to push the knife into myself a little harder.
“God, she’s so stupid for him,” he said with a short laugh. It was so true. In the end, Loch made her happy and that was all that I cared about. “And he’s no better. I could tell from the moment I saw those two together.”
I had to admit that it felt good to get that out. It was the truth, and saying out loud, as well as hearing the words, was like letting the weight fall from my shoulders.
“What I really miss is her friendship. That is the fucking truth. I care for her deeply, but I’m not in love with her.”
Chris turned his head and eyed me skeptically. It was kinda funny that we’d never really talked about it before this point. But hey, maybe he had avoided the whole thing just like I had.
“So if it isn’t you holding out for the love you can never have, then what is keeping you from letting your guard down and finding someone?” I wouldn’t lie, his question made me pause. Though I often wondered the same thing, I didn’t really have an answer for it.
“Maybe there’s something wrong with me,” I said with a laugh, though it didn’t feel like much of a joke. “Maybe I’ve been looking for the wrong things all along.”
What the hell was I saying?
I couldn’t tell you right then. It made no sense to me but it seemed like my brain was trying to take me down some strange path. And apparently, I had enough alcohol running through my veins to let it.
“What does that even mean?” Chris asked, his face holding an unsure expression.
“I mean,” I said wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans and sitting up straighter. “How did you know…that you like guys, too?”
“Oh, no.” He shook his head and tilted his bottle to the sky, emptying its contents completely into his mouth and taking it down with a hard swallow. Then he reached into the cooler beside him and pulled out two more beers, handing one of them my way. I took it and popped the top. “Okay, it’s all about attraction, I guess. Some women do it for me and some don’t. Same with guys. I guess it’s all about personality and chemistry. I can’t really explain it, but Icantell you that I don’t think that’s you—what you are questioning, I don’t think you need to.”
