Page 76 of Knight
I had no idea how long we’d been out but as my arm wrapped around her tighter, I didn’t care. It didn’t matter if an hour had passed or an entire day. All that mattered was that I had this beautiful, amazing woman by my side.
“Yeah. What’s up?” I asked after clearing the sleep from my throat.
“I keep thinking about it,” she let out a sigh and I knew she was talking about what had happened with Tara. “I keep trying to find all the clues that I missed. And I can see them now, well some of them. But I don’t get why I couldn’t see them then. I keep asking myself what I could have done to stop this. I realize that it’s pointless because it happened and there is no going back. But I can’t seem to let it go.”
“You’re right, there is nothing you can do about it.” I kissed the top of her head as I ran my hand up and down her bare arm. “I could sit here and tell you that it happened. That it was all real. But you know that. I could tell you that there was nothing you could have done or that she was a crazy as fuck bitch. I could even tell you that I do the same thing, replay it all over and over in my head, wishing for a different outcome. Blaming myself for being too blind to be able to protect you.”
“Knight,” she rolled over and propped up on my chest so that she could look down at me. Her blue eyes were full of sadness and pain. I wished more than anything I could take that away but I knew this was something she would have to work through and accept on her own.
“If you’re going to sit there and tell me that it wasn’t my fault, then I need you to believe those words for yourself as well,” I said as I pinned her with a serious look. I knew it wasn’t that easy but I’d hoped that if she saw it from the other side, then maybe it would help her understand. “You’re here. I’m here. Tara is getting the help she needs. She’s in a place where she can’t hurt anyone. Not you. Not me.”
As much as I hated saying her name, I needed to make a point. I wished more than anything that we could both push the whole terrible experience out of our minds, out of our lives, but that was simply not how life worked. Gwen needed to face it, heal, and move on. And I vowed I’d be there every step of the way.
I kept close tabs on Tara. Or, I had Cable doing it, rather. I didn’t want any surprises in the future because the truth was, I just didn’t trust her. It didn’t matter how many locked doors were between us, or medications they had her on, it would never be enough. Nothing would when it came to the safety of the woman I loved.
It turned out those sealed records were just as bad as I had imagined they were. Tara had shown signs of being unhinged long before she’d met Gwen. Her parents had done a good job of covering it up and moving on but the only thing they succeeded in was nurturing her off behavior. In my mind, they were a huge part of the problem. When I contacted them to let them know what had happened, her father simply told me that ‘he would take care of it.’ To which, I kindly let him know that he would make sure she actually got help this time. I also in so many words let him know who I was and left him with a not-so-friendly warning of what would happen if I ever so much as saw Tara again.
“Okay, then,” she said then placed a light kiss on my chest. “So, right here, right now, we let go—bothof us. No more blame, no more obsessing about what could have been done. I don’t want this to dampen what we have. I finally feel like my life is right and I can actually see the future. I want to focus on that.”
I couldn’t have said it better.
God, I fucking loved that woman.
“Deal,” I said as I pulled her body onto mine and kissed her until the outside world faded away.
