Page 36 of Knight
A beat went by like I was waiting for the universe to answer me.
All my anger seemed to move to my hand as I snatched a cold bottle of water out of the fridge. Then, with hesitant steps, I made my way to her room.
Should I knock? Or just bust the fuck in?
At one time in my life, I wouldn’t have even thought twice, I would have been in that bed beside her in a heartbeat, making sure she was alright and doing my best to take care of her. But that was then.
“Gwen?” I said, my voice thick and gruff.
“Yeah,” Gwen said in a raw whisper.
“I’m coming in.” I left no room for argument.
The light spilled in through the thin curtains. My eyes scanned the room, seeing it a disaster of clothes and God knew what else strewn about. It was like a tornado had hit the room and I had a pretty good idea that this was the remnants of her and Tara getting ready the previous night. For the most part, Gwen was tidy, her clothes were always put away neatly. She’d always been that way.
Her back was to me, the comforter pulled up around her neck. She didn’t roll over as I made my way further into the room, doing my best to step around the explosive piles. I flopped down on the bed, my back resting against the wood headboard. I made sure to keep enough space between us so she didn’t feel like I was closing in on her. Condensation dripped off of the bottle as I reached over her and set it lightly next to her pillow.
“Thanks,” she said, unmoving.
“I didn’t think you’d be up,” I said and I hated how strained things were between us.
“I don’t want to be. I tried to close my eyes and go back to sleep but I just can’t.”
I nodded, though I wasn’t sure she could see it. The silence stretched out and I wondered which one of us would be the first to break it.
“What happened last night?” I asked trying my best to keep the anger out of my voice. I didn’t expect her to go deeper than surface level and that was what I was wanting right then. I needed to know what happened after she stormed out of the apartment. Truth was, I wasn’t ready to dive into the issue ofus.
“I don’t know. I went out. Some random place. I drank and danced.” She took in a shuttered breath and I waited, letting her have the lead on this conversation. “I had a couple of shots and a rum and coke when I got there. Then I danced for a long time. Tara had another drink waiting for me when I got off the dance floor, something fruity and too sweet. I remember drinking that and I think I maybe have asked for another…maybe. I can’t remember, but I do remember at some point Tara put a fresh drink in my hand and I was aware enough to realize that I could drink it because she handed it to me. Not some random person.”
“Then what?” I pushed.
“Then everything got fuzzy. I don’t even know when or how I got back here.” I could hear the shakiness in her voice. I should have comforted her but I was too busy trying to stomp down my anger.
She danced. With who? Some fucking douchebag that probably had his hands all over her. Was she into it? Did she want to go home with him?
I couldn’t stop my mind from spinning out of control and I realized it was unfair. But, fuck, sometimes I couldn’t help but feel like if I couldn’t have her then there was no one out there that deserved her. Shitty of me, I fucking knew it. She’d always been mine, even when we were apart. I wished more than anything we could be two different people, with completely different circumstances. But we weren’t. We were closely weaved together in a web that intertwined with too many outside factors. Her dad. My dad. The club.
“I don’t drink a lot and I guess I just didn’t realize how it would hit me. It was stupid, I know. You don’t have to say it.”
By her tone, I could tell that I didn’t need to lash out and tell her how irresponsible she had acted and what could have happened to her. Instead, I needed to thank the fucking stars that nothing did happen to her. And thank fuck for Sketch, too. I owed that dude big.
“You just…” she said and I could hear the frustration ringing clear in her voice. “You made me so fucking mad.”
“I know.” I left out the fact that she, too, had pissed me right the fuck off. Especially thinking she should wear something like what she had on out.
“I thought…” There was a pause and I waited for her to continue. Her voice was so raw sounding that I wondered if it hurt her to talk. After a moment she cleared her throat and tried again. “I thought we could do this—thatIcould do this, start new and have some kind of friendship with you. Forget the past, what the fuck was I thinking, right?”
She let out a strained, breathy chuckle at the same time a heavy sigh fell from my lips. This wasn’t the way I wanted things to go, but I had no idea what I should say or do. I wanted to reach out and touch her. I wanted to push the comforter off of her and run my fingers along her skin. I knew what she was about to say was going to fucking wreck me and I feared this would be the last time that I would be this close to her.
But I didn’t do any of that. I stayed there frozen, staring at her back, the uneven rise and fall of her body that let me know that she was doing her best to hold her emotions back.
Gwen wasn’t the type to cry at the drop of a hat. She wasn’t the kind of girl that whined and bitched over every little thing. Or got upset over something small. She didn’t generally break down in front of people. That was how I knew that last night had been a breaking point for her. I was to blame, there was no way I could even try and deny that. As much as I wanted to live in the happy little bubble where we could have reworked our friendship, I knew it was a matter of time before the hidden pressure forced our world to explode.
“I spent so many years wondering what happened to us. I mean, you were part of my life, hell, you were part ofme. But then it was like you flipped a switch and gave some super confusing and lame excuse why we couldn’t be friends anymore, then you were off living a life where I never existed. Or that’s how it felt.”
“Gwen…” I whispered wishing I could tell her how hard it was for me, too. That it killed me to walk away from her that night even if it was possibly the best thing for both of us. Especially back then. It was a weird time in my life and I didn’t understand the things that were happening. The strange shift that I could feel starting to take place. I didn’t know what was the right thing to do. I thought I was protecting her, and maybe myself, too.
“No. I need to get this all out,” she said when I took too long to speak again. “The friendship we once had was one that can never be replaced. And now, I think I realize that it can’t be fixed either. Somehow we’ve turned toxic for one another and I don’t think there is a single thing either of us can do to fix it.”
