Page 41 of Knight
“He’s the same but different. He’s not the same boy but I get little glimpses of that Knight—myKnight—every now and then and it makes me all confused.” This conversation was giving me a headache.
“So, you love the boy he used to be. But the big question is, do you love the man he’s become? Or could you? Do you want to?”
“Yes…” I answered vaguely.
“You’re such a mess, Gwen,” she said with a laugh.
“I know.” The irritation couldn’t be hidden in my voice.
“Is he still hot?”
“Stacy!” I scolded with a squeal. “Yes. Like more so, if you can believe that. Fuck! I’m so in love with all of him and I hate it because I know he doesn’t feel the same. He walked away from me, fromus, before I even knew what love really was. And years—fucking years, Stacy—went by and I still couldn’t forget him. I compared every guy, every relationship to him. And where has that gotten me? Huh? Right here, so close to him but unable to touch him. What is wrong with me?”
“Well.” There was a long pause and I knew she was taking her sweet time telling me her brilliant words of wisdom. Words I was sure were only going to make me feel worse. “Put it all out there, take the weird tension away, then see how you feel. Maybe it will give that final push to move on. Close the chapter and all that shit.”
“You’re no help.” Though it made perfect sense.
“Brat,” she said in a tone I knew was joking. “Okay, fine. Sit on it. Stew it. Whatever you are going to do because I know you. I gotta go. It’s mamma’s nap time.”
“Thanks, Stace. Take care of that baby. I can’t wait to meet him.”
“Yeah, me too. Can’t come soon enough. Love you.”
“Love you, too. Call me if you need anything.” And I meant that because I would drop any and everything in a second and fly there if she needed.
“You know I will.”
We ended the call and I rolled over pulling the comforter with me. I felt better and worse about the whole thing.
She was right, I was going to stew and over think the whole thing. I was going to obsess and work myself into knots. Then, once I got the courage to go to Knight and lay it all out there, I was going to chicken out. I saw the whole thing playing out in my head over and over again.
