Page 4 of Knight
“Yeah. What’s up?” Her voice sounded so cheerful.
“Listen. I know this is unexpected but really, it’s unavoidable.”
I went on, my mouth moving, spitting out the words that I needed to. Words like “inappropriate” and “can’t hang out anymore.” I couldn’t look directly at her, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw her happy face fall and the longer I kept explaining the more her jaw dropped in shock.
“So, do you get what I’m saying?” I asked at the end of my painful rant.
She gave an absentminded nod and by the blank look on her face, she was still trying to catch up to everything I’d said. I knew she may not have understood right now, right in this moment, but one day she would. She would look back and comprehend why our friendship had to end. Why I had pulled the breaks. All the reasons that she couldn’t see right now with her young, innocent mind. All the reasons I wasn’t even sure of myself because I didn’t completely understand all the changes that were happening. I just knew the things I’d tried so hard to avoid were starting to be the thoughts that consumed me. And something about it felt wrong at that time.
I walked away knowing I’d crushed the one person that meant the world to me. Knowing it was the right thing to do was the hardest part because that meant that no matter how hard it was, I couldn’t take it back.
Gwen age 14
Knight age 18
Gwen
He was leaving.
The club threw a huge going away party for him. The club girls were out in full force tonight even though it was a family gathering. My dad said that since Knight was eighteen he would allow it as long as everyone keptthingsbehind closed doors.
I was smart enough to know what those ‘things’ were, though I had never done any of them.
I sat on one of the picnic tables in the back lot. The lemonade I held in my hand had long lost its chill. I was pretty sure it was just water at this point. Knight had a few of his friends from school here, though they weren’t part of the club. It was his party so I figured whatever he wanted went.
I was alone, watching my once best friend enjoy this monumental time in his life from afar. He didn’t even seem to notice me as he laughed and joked with everyone.
Everyone except me, that was.
It hurt me. It sliced me so deep I felt there would be a scar on my heart forever. Every time he turned his gaze from me. Every time he pretended we weren’t in the same room. Every time he passed me without looking, it cut a little more of my heart away.
The last two years I had gotten him for one day and one day only. And even then there were no words exchanged. Only silent comfort as we both mourned the anniversary of the day that the most amazing woman we’d ever known left this earth. He brought me fries topped with mashed potatoes and sausage gravy, like all the previous years. We ate, both lost in memories, some of them probably the same ones, as we tried our best to remember and forget all at the same time. That was it. Other than that, there were miles of separation between us no matter how physically close we were.
Today was the worst by far because it set our end in stone. No more watching from afar. No more running into him at the clubhouse. No more chances to see him at all. Because I knew—I fucking knew—that once he left, he wouldn’t look back. He wouldn’t come for a visit on his breaks. He wouldn’t return to celebrate holidays. Once he climbed onto his custom Harley, he would tear out of here leaving my shattered heart in the dust.
I took one last long look in his direction wanting to burn the image of him into my mind. The way his hair hung long on the one side of his head. The way the shaved part seemed so soft and fuzzy. The way the light danced off of his hair as the sunlight faded. The way his crooked smile tipped up on the left side more than the right. The way he would randomly touch the leather band around his wrist. And how that one gesture alone told me that he wasn’t really listening to the conversations around him. I wondered if he was just as lost in his thoughts as I was at that moment.
I took in a deep breath and held it for a long second.
“Goodbye,” I whispered into the wind as I hopped off the table and walked away. From him. From this party. From any hope that I might have had about the future.
I walked away before I could see him leave.
