Page 20 of Knight
I could feel my body shaking as I asked the question I’d been holding onto all these years. I knew I wasn’t going to get an answer but it still cut me to the bone that we had ended up here.
A pained expression crossed his face before he dropped his gaze to the floor. That proved to me that I wasn’t going to get any sort of explanation and I knew that before I’d even asked the question.
“Let’s just start over,” I suggested.
I knew it wasn’t going to be as easy as flipping a switch, but I felt like we had to try. If we were ever going to move forward we had to let go of the past. Though I wasn’t sure what had even happened back then. All I knew was how I felt at the sudden exit he had made in my life. It was almost as bad as how he’d been treating me since I’d moved in.
“It’s not that simple, Gwen. You’re a smart girl, you should know this. There is…” His voice trailed off and if I wasn’t mistaken, he seemed a little emotional. His hand came up and swiped his hair behind his ear.
“Hi, I’m Gwen. I’m a college student, in my last year. I’m majoring in Human Services so that I can work with hospitals to help counsel families dealing with a loved one that has a terminal illness.” I cringed internally at how it came out. But that was the gist of what I wanted to do.
I had an idea that Knight would understand the reasoning behind why I’d chosen it. And when his eyes grew wide at my words, I knew he got it. But it wasn’t something we were going to talk about right then.
His features softened as his eyes roamed my face for a moment before returning back to look into mine. I swallowed hard and pushed on before I could break down.
“I just moved to town. So far I love it. There is a lot to do here. I’m a pretty good roommate. I don’t leave a mess around and I don’t have crazy wild parties…or sex.” I whispered the last part and followed it up with a half smile so he would know I was messing around. He let out a huffed laugh and I knew I’d been successful in breaking the tension.
“I don’t have many friends down here, but I would love it if you would be one of them.” I flashed him my most charming smile, to which, he rolled his eyes.
“Friends?” he asked and I didn’t miss the slight twitch on the left side of his lips. “I think I can do that.”
“Cool,” I said like it wasn’t a big deal. “So, Mr. Tattooed Roommate, tell me something about you.”
“Gwen,” he whispered like I was being completely ridiculous. I fluttered my lashes at him. He straightened up and cleared his throat. “I’m Knight. I don’t often have crazy, wild parties here but sometimes my brothers like to show up randomly to hang out. But they are all pretty respectful.”
I chuckled because it wasn’t like I didn’t already know this. I also didn’t miss how he hadn’t said anything about sex. I did my best not to think about it. It wasn’t like he’d brought anyone home while I’d been here, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t doing things at the club. It wasn’t my business, and if I wanted to repair or rebuild something between us, I needed to push all of that out of my mind.
“I can live with that,” I said as I shot him a playful wink. “So, I was just about to order some Chinese food and watch a movie. Want to join?”
“Yeah, I could eat.” The smile that overtook his face was brilliant. I couldn’t lie and say it didn’t give me some sort of weird flutter in my belly, but I didn’t let myself over analyze it.
With that, we moved out into the living room. I ordered the food then he let me pick the movie. At my selection, he gave me a huge roll of his eyes and my head fell back as I laughed.
This was new, yet not. It was familiar, yet strained. I knew it wasn’t like we could actually forget all the things we knew about each other and just the simple act of me choosing a movie proved that.
The movie had provided a comfortable distraction. We got through it without tension and the moment it was over I decided not to press my luck. So, with a smile plastered on my face to hide my trepidation, I jumped up and started cleaning the mess we had made on the coffee table. After I washed the dishes I came back out to find Knight still sitting in the same position he’d been the whole movie. His body was relaxed into the corner of the couch and his strong arms were spread out wide, one resting on the back of the couch and the other flopped over the arm. His eyes were on the blank TV but I could tell his head was somewhere else.
“Thanks, roomie,” I said as I forced my feet to carry me in the direction of my room. “Night…Knight.” I resisted the urge to giggle at that.
He didn’t say anything or even respond like he had heard me. So, I did my best to shrug it off and move on. As I was about to pass him, his hand snagged my wrist and I froze. I didn’t dare move. I don’t think I even breathed as I waited for what was to happen next. There was no move to look at me or to even let me know that he was aware of what he’d done.
After a long second, his thumb brushed lightly over the inside of my wrist, only once, but it was enough to let me know that he was aware of what he was doing.
“I missed you, too,” he whispered and then I saw his throat bob with a hard swallow.
Then like it was all too much, his fingers slipped away from me. I would have given anything to have his touch again but I knew I wouldn’t get it.
Tears welled in my eyes and I fought hard to hold them back. My throat was so thick that I knew I wouldn’t be able to force any words out. Not that I actually could form any. I managed a timid nod and scooted off to my room as quickly as my legs would take me.
It wasn’t until I was safely tucked away behind the closed door that I let myself fall apart. Knowing that the place wasn’t soundproof, far from it actually, I did my best to keep my sobs silent and control my breathing. It felt like forever before I was able to pull my shit together and stop crying.
Those words. It was a stab to my heart at the same time someone was shocking the stupid muscle back to life. It tore me open and put me back together all at once. I wasn’t stupid enough to think that everything would be alright and all I could do was hope that this meant we could move forward. That we could be something positive in one another’s life.
Completely drained emotionally and physically, I crawled under the comforter and closed my eyes. I was hesitant and scared of what tomorrow would bring because I wasn’t sure how to do this. How could I be a friend to the man who obviously had control of my heart?
