Page 32 of Axe
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Axe
A week went by and sometimes it felt like Allison and
I were two strange people occupying the same space. She kept her distance and I let her. As the days ticked on, I felt it harder to resist being around her. I wanted her, but not only that, I felt like I was empty without her. It didn’t even make any sense and I thought I was going fucking crazy.
Neiryn and I hung out when she needed to do things, like clean and shower and cook. He was like my little sidekick and I found myself over the damn moon that he liked hanging out with me.
The little guy wanted to be glued to my side whenever I was around and it made my damn heart flutter the way he looked at me. That look threw me and I thought it was weird as fuck.
I thought back to my dad and I never remembered a time when I’d looked at him like that. It was an adorable mix between starstruck and awe. The Lil man looked at me like I was some kind of hero. I couldn’t lie, it gutted me and at the same time, made me want to be that man for him. The kind of man that he would want to emulate. The good and strong and loving all at the same time.
In other words, the exact opposite of what I had grown up with.
I started to wonder if that was enough. If wanting to be a better man was good enough to be someone’s idol. I knew I still had shit to work through, and the truth was, I doubted I would ever really get over it. The years of abuse I’d received from my father had left me with a scarred soul.
Diesel’s old lady, Ellie, had ordered a bunch of stuff I had asked for. She really came through for me.
I felt bad that for the most part, I had kept my distance from Ellie. It wasn’t necessarily her, I just wasn’t a very social person. Even when I was at the bar or clubhouse hanging out with my brothers, I felt like an outcast. I felt awkward and so different from everyone. I hated to say that I spent a lot of time in my head even when I was around people. But I was thankful that no one had ever made me feel like a freak. No matter how distant I seemed, most everyone in the club tried to include me whenever I was around.
So, yeah, Diesel had got lucky when Ellie—and Fate—had pretty much stumbled into his path. The speck of a woman had room in her heart for everyone and she was there to help out whenever anyone might need it. And I shouldn’t have been surprised that she jumped all over it after I sent Diesel a text asking for what I needed. At my request, Ellie went online and got pretty much anything and everything Allison and Neiryn might have needed. I was just waiting for all of it to be delivered. And at the end of the week, most of it was being unloaded off of the brown delivery truck.
“What the heck is all of this?” Allison said as she came out of the kitchen where she’d been cooking dinner.
I helped the delivery man drag the last huge box into the living room.
“Stuff,” I said giving her a playful smile.
She rolled her eyes at me but I could see the smile that she was trying her damnedest to hold back.
We hadn’t talked about what had happened that first night. I felt bad enough about it and I had spent the week wrestling with myself over it. I tried my hardest to keep my distance. I did my best to turn off the images I had in my head and ignore all the things I wanted to do to her. It didn’t mean that they didn’t pop up, especially when I was alone on the couch with nothing but a quiet house and my thoughts.
I couldn’t figure out what that meant. I felt like a monster and if I really let myself think about it, I started to hate the man I was on the inside.
Allison’s story—her past—was beyond fucked up. How she’d not only survived it but made it out blew my mind. And truth was, watching her you’d never know that she went through all of that. Not that I was saying she was a liar. I believed her completely because there were just some things that you couldn’t fake, and that look that she had in her eyes when she relived her nightmare to tell me about it was one hundred percent real. I knew all too well about shutting down to protect myself. That was what she did then, she shut down.
That was another thing that gutted me about what I’d done. I could have sworn in the moment that she wanted it. I would have backed down if I’d even seen an ounce of hesitation. But there wasn’t. Her eyes and her body showed me everything I needed to know. Or so I thought. And yeah, when I put my hands between her legs, I had found her wet for me, but I knew better. Had I known everything before I would have never gone that far. I would have seen and understood it was the way she learned to deal. The way her body had learned to protect itself.
Just thinking about it made me want to throw up. I’d violated her. There was no other way to put it. Sure, she didn’t open her mouth and tell me ‘no’ or make a move to stop me, but I imagined that she wouldn’t have. I was sure those words held little effect or value for her for the last seven years.
So, I kept my distance. I didn’t touch her. I didn’t try to corner her. I never blocked her escape. I tried my hardest to make her feel comfortable and safe. If I was effective, I had no idea.
But there were moments when I saw her shoulders relax. And my favorite, when she would join me on the couch after she put Neiryn down in his pen to sleep. Sometimes she would lean a little closer to me when we watched TV. Those moments I could tell you everything about her but nothing about what was playing out in front of us. Sure, my eyes may have been glued to the screen but my mind was on her as I watched her out of the side of my eye.
The more the days wore on, I began to find that I had a playful side. Maybe it had been there all along, only I’d never had the opportunity to let it out. Then again maybe it was hanging around a kid so much. Sure, Tank’s kid spent time at the club, but I was never really actively around him for too long. And if I was being honest, I shied away from spending time around Grass. Not because I hated kids, it was more that I just didn’t think I was good enough to be around them. I never wanted my messed up nature to rub off on them. If that even made sense.
“No, for real, Axe. What is all this?” Her face softened as she looked at me and I tried my best not to read too much into it. Though, I couldn’t deny that it hit me in the chest like a ball of fire exploding outward.
“Just some stuff I figured you might need.” I pulled out my pocket knife and sliced through the tape of one of the medium sized boxes.
I could see her eyes flash for a brief second with fear and I did my best to look natural. As quickly as I whipped my knife out, I folded it back up and shoved it into my pocket and out of sight. Her feet shuffled hesitantly towards me as I pulled the flaps of the box open.
I yanked out a copper bottom pot and a cast iron skillet. Then a box of plain silverware and a set of dishes that were all white with a hint of raised design around the edge. I handed her the dishes and moved on to the next box.
“Axe…” her voice held a tone that I hadn’t heard from her before and I was almost afraid to lift my gaze to hers. It was soft and warm, and if I wasn’t mistaken a little sad.
I felt out of my element, so I kept my focus on the task at hand and didn’t stop for even a second. I pulled out new toys for Neiryn out of the next one and set them out on the ground.
