Page 31 of Axe
“As good as it can get, man,” I replied and he let out a small chuckle.
“Not to be an asshole, but you look like shit.” I huffed out a laugh and I could only imagine how bad I did look. “Known you for years, dude. I’ve seen you mad, pissed the fuck off, happy…well…happy for you, and I’ve even been witness to you when you’re horny. But I’ve never seen this.” He waved his hand in my face.
“You ever felt like you have to hide part of yourself, like a big part?” I asked, my attention not really on who I was talking to.
A few seconds of silence ticked on and I blinked my focus to him. His brow was raised and his face was screaming ‘really?’ at me so loud that I could almost hear the sarcasm. I chuckled, realizing who I was actually asking that question to.
Chris was very much comfortable in his bisexuality, though I knew it hadn’t always been that way. Truth was, I usually forgot about it. The whole label—preference, whatever the hell you want to call it—didn’t really matter to me. He was Chris, and that was that.
“You have to be who you are or else you’ll never truly be happy. As long as you aren’t raping, stealing, kidnapping, torturing, or murdering,” he paused and I raised a brow at him. With the exception of raping, I was pretty sure most of the brothers could check most of those boxes, if not all. And it wasn’t like Chris had blinders on when it came to club business. He rolled his eyes and continued, “people that don’t deserve it…then I don’t see the what the big deal is. Sure there are people out there that won’t understand you and may judge you but that is why I surround myself with people that are comfortable with it or simply don’t care.” He shrugged like the answer should have been that simple to see.
I had no reply to that, at least not one that I felt I could voice out loud. It seemed so simple yet, didn’t really help me feel any better about my situation.
I gave him a confused thanks and then headed off.
It was late and by the time I got back to the house, Allison and Neiryn were upstairs and I assumed asleep. I settled down on the couch and tried my best to rest. My mind must have exhausted itself, because I drifted off not long after.
The next day, Allison gave me the cold shoulder. I figured it was because she felt the need to shield herself now that she’d opened up to me. I gave her the day. I let her think that she could put space between us and that I wasn’t going to push her for more information.
It also helped that Cal called church. It was basically a welcome back meeting for Tank and to catch him up to speed.
I went to the clubhouse a little early because I needed to talk to Bocca. He was already on the Allison thing, trying to dig up any information he could find about her. Her name had been a bust, no one matching her popped up under it, and that told me right there that she’d lied to me about that. I wondered what else she lied about or was hiding.
I filled him and Cal in at the same time so I wouldn’t have to repeat that shit. Bocca clearly had a hard time keeping his cool the more I told him. To imagine that anyone would do that to an innocent girl was beyond all of us. Bocca walked away with an urgency to find something right the fuck now. He was good with that computer shit, so I knew it was only a matter of time before he picked up something.
It was obvious that the Savage thing had him irritated. He was having a hard time finding anything on the man and his club. For Bocca, not being able to help the club at a time like this made him feel like a failure and that shit was written in his eyes. I couldn’t be mad at him though, it wasn’t like he wasn’t trying. The guy was losing sleep over the damn thing, had been for months.
Church seemed to drag on. I had to be honest, my mind drifted a few times. I really did try to hold it together, but I just couldn’t. The last twenty-four hours had gotten to me—Allison had gotten to me. And not to mention, how shitty I’d treated her—that really fucking got to me.
I wanted to find a way to make up for that but I didn’t even have the first clue on what to do. Was there even a way to make up for treating someone the exact same way they had by their captor and abuser. No…no, there was not. Asshole wasn’t a strong enough word for me.
After the meeting, I tried to scoot my way out unnoticed. Contradictory as it sounded, I needed fresh air and a damn cigarette.
All I’d ever had to worry about was myself and the club. That was a very different thing from having to worry about a child. And while Neiryn was in no way mine, I knew that being around him I’d have to watch myself. Like I knew I couldn’t cuss, and I tried my hardest not to, I did. Also, I wasn’t an idiot, I knew smoking was bad and I also was aware of the second-hand smoke shit. I knew that stuff clung to my skin and clothes. I knew that it lingered on me long after I was done with my smoke. So, I tried to keep that shit away from them as much as I could.
I was here, and I figured I might as well. I didn’t need to snap because I wanted a smoke. I mean, I had enough control over myself that I knew I wouldn’t, but right then, I just needed one.
Tank followed me outside. I started to ramble about Allison and her son. Then I stopped, feeling like shit because Tank’s boy was gone.
Then he blew my damn mind.
He told me that his boy was alive on a whisper, and I almost wasn’t sure that I’d heard him right. The look on his face told me I did. There was a happiness shining in his eyes, but I could tell it was dulled a little. While he may have had his son, or at least would soon, he’d somehow found himself in love with a woman he couldn’t really have.
NowKiller…she scared the fuck out of me. She had a freaky look in her eye and once I’d found out she was a motherfuckin’ contract killer, I couldn’t tell if I wanted to run or shake her hand. There was no denying the way she felt about my massive friend. As much as she tried to hide her emotions, inside and out, she melted for the guy. When I’d been in Gray Fort, pissed that Tank was knocked out with a gunshot wound, I’d wanted to rip her throat out thinking she had something to do with it. But, then I saw them together and, damn, I almost ached to have the same thing.
I hated that the newfound information about his son was dampened by the fact that he’d lost the girl. It seemed like nothing could ever go right for Tank.
I decided then, that I wouldn’t burden him with my problems. Inhaling a deep breath of smoke, loving the way it burned as it filled my lungs, I wrapped up the conversation as quickly as possible without seeming rude. Then I headed out and back to where I longed to be, even if being there sent me into a tailspin of emotions.
