Page 27 of Axe
I forced the food down, the answers to all the questions he might ask played in my head. I wondered if it would just be better for me to blurt everything out at once before he had the chance to open his mouth, or would it be best to let him take the lead.
I bathed Neiryn, trying to drag it out as long as possible, but when his eyes started to grow heavy I knew that I couldn’t put it off any longer.
I put Neiryn down, lingering longer than I needed to, just watching his body fall heavy as he fell asleep. More than anything, I wanted to pick him up and take him to bed with me. I wanted him to know that I was there with him all night, that I would always be there for him. But when it came to Axe, I knew I couldn’t use that as an excuse, even if it was honestly the only thing I wanted to do.
My bare feet hit the cool hardwood of the first floor and my legs felt suddenly shaky. Inside, I wanted to break down. I wanted to tell him everything and have him protect me from the world. Unfortunately, I had no idea that he would do that. If I told anyone the things I’d been through, I imagined they would only run and I couldn’t blame them for that. Heck,Iwanted to run away from it all. Only I couldn’t, because I was me and it had all happened tome.
I started to think that I wasn’t even worth loving, that I was too damaged. Why would anyone want me when there were other women out there far less messed up than me?
“Come here,” his flat tone commanded and like a traitor, my feet followed.
Once I was close enough for him to touch me, he reached out and pulled me down. I landed with an awkwardploponto the couch beside him. The heaviness of what was about to transpire hung thick in the air. He was only doing what he needed to for his club, and while I realized that, it didn’t make it any easier. I, on the other hand, was only holding back to protect my son.
His long fingers encircled my wrist, adding just enough pressure to make me feel uneasy but not scared.
“What are you running from?” His question didn’t come as a surprise but I’d hoped I could have a minute before he went for the kill. “There is something going on. I want to trust you, but I can’t until you give me something. It’s not a safe time in my world and I’m having a hard time with this.”
His honesty threw me for a loop but I appreciated it. Instead of saying anything, I waited for him to finish because I could tell that he was sifting through his thoughts and he wasn’t done.
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on,” he said keeping his voice low and even, “but I have to know. I can’t protect you…and Lil man, if I don’t know what I’m up against.”
Sure, that made sense, but that didn’t mean that it would be easy for me to open up about my past. It was ugly and fresh, and I was still raw from the whole thing. Really, I wondered if there would ever be a time when I would feel okay. A time when I wouldn’t feel disgusted by the things that had been done to me. I could only imagine the pity and repulsion I’d see in his eyes after I was done telling him my sordid tale.
But like a traitor, my mouth opened and my brain pushed the words out.
“You’re right, I’m on the run. I’m hiding from a very bad man. My…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the word husband out loud, and even as I thought it, I felt like I was going to be sick. So I glossed over it, skipping the word completely and moving on. “He isn’t a good man. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I took Neiryn and ran. I feared that if I stayed, my son would either end up dead or a monster, like his father.”
That was just the tip of the iceberg. The past seven years had been pure hell. Every single day I woke wishing that I hadn’t. I prayed for death so many times I’d lost count. I couldn’t deny that I wasn’t normal.
Once upon a time, I had been. I’d been an easy going girl without a care in the world. I had a home with two parents. I had friends and ambitions. I had goals and a hopeful outlook for my future.
Bringing my focus to Axe, I felt a shudder creep down my spine. I wanted him to be my savior, my protector, but I was under no illusion that once he knew the whole story he would be so willing to do so.
I knew what his club was going through. I knew the things that had happened. I knew the monster he was up against.
Because it was my monster too.
In that moment, I was so desperate to keep my freedom that I saw no other option but to keep parts of my past hidden. Burke had been right all along, none of them could ever know.
A strange ache tingled inside my chest and I knew that whatever chemistry I had with Axe would never amount to anything. I had to do my best to push him away. I had to give him just enough to realize that I wasn’t a threat. He had to go.
So I closed my eyes, brought back the memories from the beginning, and told him the story that I knew would make him repulsed by me.
