Page 26 of Axe
CHAPTER TEN
Allison
He left. He crowded my space the whole time he’d been here, and then, like a light switch being turned off, he walked out the door. To say I was confused would have been an understatement and more shit on top of that, I was thoroughly shaken at how he made me feel.
His scent still continued to invade my nose. I wanted to hate it, but instead, I found comfort in it. When he’d first forced his way into this house, he’d had a lingering scent of cigarette smoke wafting off of him, but I’d yet to see him actually smoke. I wondered why that was.
He’d kept his eyes on me the entire time he’d been there. I loved it and I hated it. And I hated that I loved it more than anything.
To put it bluntly, Axe shook me to my core. He ignited a fire inside of me. I found myself turned on when I knew I shouldn’t. I found myself wanting this beautiful stranger when I should have been building more walls and figuring out how I could get him away from me and Neiryn.
He left, and I felt a loneliness deep inside. I couldn’t help that I missed him, no matter how hard I tried to push the feeling away.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I turned my attention to Neiryn. He was my son and I’d just turned his life upside down and taken him on the run. He didn’t seem phased by it though. The only time I could tell that he was uneasy, was at night. He didn’t sleep for shit in that pen and that meant I didn’t either. I wanted to ease his fear, only I didn’t have the first clue as to what to do.
And let me tell you, that sucked. As a mother, I wanted nothing more than to protect my son and comfort his every worry. I felt like a failure on so many levels.
One, I’d brought him into this life even knowing my situation was one of the worst ones a person could be in.
Two, I’d stayed that long with the Devil pulling my strings, or beating me into submission, rather.
Three, I’d put him in more danger because I had fled.
I was caught between a rock and a hard place. It seemed to be the exact spot I’d lived in for the last seven years. I wanted to keep my family safe, mainly my mother, and so I took every blow he had to offer. I took every punishment he dealt.
But I think I finally broke when I started to have visions that my son could become his father. That was when I knew I had to get out. I had to save Neiryn’s little soul before it was too late. It didn’t matter if I ended up dead at the end of this. It only mattered that Neiryn was free.
Then Axe walked in and I lost my shit. I wanted to push away how much he affected me, but I couldn’t. It was all confusing. While I wanted so desperately for him to touch me, I shouldn’t have. Especially the way he went about it.
He was dominant and overpowering. He closed in on my space when I tried my best to push him away. He broke me down and pulled at the unraveling threads of my heart.
Every encounter I’d had before him had revolted me—had been brutally forced on me. And I think that was what scared me the most, Axe was forceful. He pushed his way through, but he did it knowing I wanted it.
My life was fucked up and the whole situation was beyond in need of therapy.
I wondered what he would do if he knew everything about me. The secret that was like a wall between us suddenly seemed like the thing that held us in the dance that we were in. If I told him, would he pull back? Would he feel bad about the way he treated me?
The thing was, I didn’t want him to pull away. I didn’t want things to change between us. And the longer the clock ticked on, I wanted him to break me down and make me his. I was desperate to know how he would own my body. Strange as it was, I wanted his mark on me and I knew deep down that mark wouldn’t come lightly.
When the door opened and he walked in, his stride was like he owned the damn place, I felt my shoulders sag with relief. I mean, I knew he said he was coming back, but the way he just up and left, I had my doubts.
I made dinner like nothing had even happened. In fact, I loved the way he offered to play with Neiryn while I made myself busy putting something together I had hoped he would enjoy. I found myself wanting to please him, wanting to make him happy.
I knew he wanted to break me down but in return, I wanted to do the same to him. I’d caught glimpses of the crack in his armor. Just a few short days spent with him and I felt like I knew him, at least the outer layer of him.
He talked like he was shooting the shit, his tone not giving away anything of how he was feeling. But if you watched his face, you would know it all. You could tell when he was being sarcastic, or if he was surprised, or even if he was confused. I could tell by looking in his eyes that he already had a softness for me and my son. What I wanted to do with that, well, I wasn’t really sure.
The thing that hit me hard in the gut was that when I took a moment to myself, I could see more. I maybe had pictured what it would be like to have a life with Axe. And don’t get me wrong, I was under no illusion it would be easy.
First, he was an Enforcer for a motorcycle club and I knew too much about what that meant to really be able to bury my head in the sand. He was dark and when his club needed him to be, he was deadly.
Second, he had issues. I wasn’t sure if it was something beyond what I thought I could handle, but whatever it was, it had a clenching hold on his soul.
I didn’t know anything about the man but for some reason, I felt compelled to ease his burdens. I just wished I knew what they were.
It seemed crazy and I wondered if maybe I wasn’t so desperate for something good in my life that I was clinging to the first glimmer of hope that came along.
We ate in silence and I could tell there was something weighing on his mind. In my head, I knew that after I put Neiryn down to sleep there would be no more hiding. Tonight, he would push me, whether it was because he wanted to or not.
